Uncategories Struggles, Vulnerability, and Resolutions

Struggles, Vulnerability, and Resolutions

Published on 11:34 PM By Aunica
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 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 -- Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

As many of you know,
I struggle with body image.
In the past couple months I've reached a new low. Control is the deep idol I've been wrestling with, the surface idol being body image. You see, this idol comes up in different ways. After I think I have my focus right, my eyes are opened to the new way this idol is appearing in my life. Honestly, it makes me sick to my stomach. As of right now it's official - I have an eating disorder. Oh, the humility in admitting that. In health class they only show you the extremes. The girls who are all bones. What they don't show you is that it's a process. Those girls don't just wake up one day and look like that, it's a choice over a long period of time. A mental state, really. Control idol. Senior year first semester it was in my weight - constantly weighing myself to see if I'd lost anything and then living that day based on that number. 2nd semester I thought I was finished with that, but my control idol in my image came up in my exercise. I worked out every day for at least an hour, and if I didn't I was super upset and felt overweight. This semester - eating. I reached the point during finals week where all I'd eat all day was a banana. I've reached the point where I can convince myself I'm not hungry by repeating "I'm so full" in my head 10 times. I've reached the point where I sleep in so I don't have to eat breakfast, then my food for the rest of the day consists of yogurt, a banana, and a small portion of whatever is for supper that night. The scary thing is - I eat around other people. I eat around my family. I eat around my friends. So no one would know until it gets further down the road. I've never thought I was skinny. I've never been able to look in the mirror and see anything but the fat on my hips or the pudge on my stomach. Being over 6 foot and a girl, it's hard not having anyone to compare yourself with to reassure yourself that you're at a healthy size. It's hard to always be surrounded by girls that are smaller than you, and always feeling like a giant.
Man, does it make me sick to admit that. It's a daily battle. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, the second is to make a change.
I struggled with pride this semester as well, and through this God has definitely humbled me. The fact that I'm as weak as a baby - I can't even feed myself! - has humbled me beyond belief and really shed light on my brokenness. Through this I've realized that I have a lot of deep pain that I've never dealt with. I don't have control in a lot of areas of my life, so by restricting my eating I find control.
I have an unhealthy fear of food and getting fat. I have an unhealthy view of my body. The fact that I could recite what I've eaten in the last month is sickening, and really shows the depth of the issue.
I know one thing for sure - I am SO, so weak. The good news is - God is strong. And I will definitely be relying on His strength in this. He has given me a great support system and hopefully it'll only be a matter of time before I'm back to normal.
My prayer is that through my openness and honesty - God can use my weakness for His strength.
If anyone is dealing with this at all - feel free to talk to me about it! I'm very open about my struggled, and I'd love to be able to help in any way possible.
I know this post might make it seem like my world is falling and that everything is bad, but God is still good - and He's been teaching me SO much. I can't even begin to show the depths of my gratitude for His loving faithfulness, mercy, and grace - which He's extended to me constantly this year. My resolution for this year is to praise God - in trials, in joy, and through pain - Praise the Lord, for He is good - and He is in control.
Today many people with resolve to eat less, exercise, and get in shape - my resolution is to eat more. To be healthy. To honor God with my body, because my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 -- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated!

James 5: 13-16 --Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Aunica

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