Confessions of a Reformed Legalist
Published on
9:05 PM
By
Aunica
James used to be my favorite book of the bible.
Now, don't get me wrong - James is great. But, in this case, it served as a magnifying glass to the legalistic bend of my heart.
I can be pretty analytical at times. I revel in moments of reflecting on how God has grown me over the past years and seeing the ways my faith has matured and grown more intimate. However, this process can cause me to reprimand my previous self for missing it. "How could I have been so dumb as to think _______" or "how did I not understand _______?"
This journey from legalism into freedom has been nothing short of incredible. To reflect on the heavy weight of the law in comparison to the freedom that has come from a fuller understanding of the gospel is extraordinary. It's all I can do to raise my hands and utter "GLORY."
I've gone from a faith that was life taking to a faith that is life GIVING.
I used to read the bible and see all the "DOs" and "DO NOTs", but now I see the bible as one big "DONE".
It went from an impossible checklist to a big check mark.
The funny thing is, the minute I stopped trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps and began surrendering to God, I began to grow in ways I hadn't before.
These moments of reflection are precious beyond compare. To look back and say "Man, God, you've really done it."
I surrender all. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Internships & Waffle Fries
Published on
6:22 PM
By
Aunica
Flashback to a week and a half ago,
It's a Thursday. I'm designing slides for homecoming, when I get a text from my aunt asking me if I need an internship. Now, if you interacted with me at all this summer, you know the struggle that was my fight to relinquish my desire for control and trust Yahweh with my future. Many days and nights were spent crying out for guidance and stressing out over the blank page that was the day I graduated. When I got back to UNWSP for the school year, I started praying every day that Abba would take control and give me peace until it was His time to reveal what His next steps were for me.
Back to that Thursday. My aunt forwards me information and an application for a position through a missions organization called Praying Pelican Missions (PPM). As I read the description for the position, my heart stops. I grab the girl next to me's arm (Megan) and read the description out loud to make sure I'm getting it right. Here before me was a job that was so distinctly formed to my talents and desires, that it's as if someone had sat in on one of my long talks with Yahweh about my hopes and dreams. The position was to be the general marketing specialist/graphic designers, and perfectly encapsulates all of the things I love about design and marketing. Incredible. Needless to say, I applied for the position right away.
The next Tuesday. There I am, debating whether or not to go to the art department breakout chapel. I finally decide to go. That was the first chapel on a Tuesday/Thursday I'd been to all semester. After chapel finishes, I walk through the Billy to check my mail before class. As I'm heading to my mailbox, I glance to my left and see a guy I knew from my freshman year at Bethel who happened to work for PPM. At first, I was too scared to go talk to him, but as I walked towards my mailbox I felt my body looping back to go say hello. After a few minutes of catching up, I mentioned that I had just applied for a job at PPM. We talk about my love for design and marketing along with my heart for the Kingdom, and he said he'd talk to the head of marketing and tell them they should hire me.
Later that afternoon I get a call. I have the interview. Two Thursdays later, and I'm walking in the doors of PPM, where I'm informed that not only will I be paid as an intern, but there's a good chance I'll be hired when I graduated. On top of that, they'll pay for me to go on 2-4 missions trips a year. Ever since I was 10, I've wanted to be involved in missions, but as I got older the idea got more and more terrifying until eventually I decided to do something else and instead fund others as they went abroad. Freshman year of college I seriously considered switching my major to intercultural studies, but landed on design instead.
We serve a God who provides. We serve a God who knows our hearts intimately. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was all His doing. He knew when I was crying out this summer that He had prepared a job for me that allows me to use my talents to further His Kingdom as He continues to show me His heart for His people. We serve a God who listens. We serve a God who is patient with us, even when we don't fully believe that He'll provide.
So that's my story.
For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. - Romans 11:36
{Waffle Fries: The day I got an interview, I ate lunch in the Billy for the first time all semester. That morning I was talking to Yahweh and had mentioned that waffle fries would be nice, but knew that was pretty facetious. In my class, I mentioned wanting waffle fries only to be told by the boy sitting next to me that there hadn't been waffle fries yet that year, so the likelihood was pretty slim. Yet, when I walked into the Billy, what did I see, but a huge pile of gleaming waffle fries. God DOES have an odd sense of humor, and sometimes His love and providence can be found even in the small, silly things.}
Indescribable
Published on
11:48 PM
By
Aunica
There are no words.
So many times over the past year I've attempted to describe the ways Yahweh has grown me.
I've tried to find the words to sum up how He's spoken to my heart. Each of these times I've walked away from my computer with a full heart and an empty page.
Words can't begin to describe the ways Yahweh is changing me.
I can't explain it. I can't explain the newfound depth to my soul. A depth in which my heart longs for Yahweh in a way I couldn't have imagined possible. I can't explain the way I yearn for my time with Him, counting down until I can steal moments away in His presence. It's deeper than when I first believed - it's accompanied by time spent getting to know my Savior and the knowledge that I get to spend a lifetime attempting to understand Him. Somehow it shifted from "I need to read my bible because I'm supposed to" to "each moment is an opportunity to share an experience with Yahweh." Every run is a time I can be spending praising Him. Today I got the sweet opportunity to run in the rain - completely alone, surrounded by Iowan cornfields, goldfinches & cardinals, and some solid eye contact with a doe along the way. That's just a snapshot into this season of my Abba romancing my soul. These are the moments I cherish. These are the moments Yahweh uses to remind me that I am His, and that's more than enough.
Don't get me wrong, each season is accompanied with it's share of hardship and heartache - and trust me, I've had mine. But somehow even in the flames of pain, it doesn't burn as deeply - I'm finding that I'm learning to cling to my Abba in times of trial. This world is not my home.
At the end of the day, words still ring empty compared to the joy I've found in the arms of my Abba. I'm eternally grateful for the ways He continues to show me His deep love and affection. I serve a God who cares for each and every one of His children. I serve a God who listens. Someday, I'll get to gaze on the face of my Maker with His praise on my lips for eternity. For now, I'll continue to be grateful for the ways He speaks to me - in the rain. In the pounding of my feet on a trail. In the green leaves and open fields. All praise and glory be to Him.
Don't Leave
Published on
8:52 PM
By
Aunica
For the first time in my life, I'm not the one leaving.
I was always the one saying goodbye, promising to visit.
I was the one who left for camp those many years ago, and to leave again each summer until this one.
I was the one to leave for college, to pack up my belongings and relocated to a different state.
To move my heart to Minnesota, only to return to my homeland for up to 3 weeks at a time.
Until now.
I have friends going abroad. I have friends returning to camp. I have friends in other states.
There's a certain loneliness in being left behind. A fear of being forgotten or overlooked.
An anxiety of monotony - that each day will blend in to the next until summer becomes a string of meaningly hours passed until the moments I choose to live.
That's not what I want for this summer.
I want to be invested where God has put me.
To embrace the blessing of working two jobs that I dearly love.
To enjoy each moment with the boys I nanny.
To see the world through the eyes of 11 year old boys.
To feel the joy of being able to work in my field as a designer for UNWSP.
I am blessed.
I anxiously await the days in the future when my friends return from their various experiences. I can't wait to listen to the ways they grow and see the light in their eyes as they recount the various ways Abba touched their lives.
I think this summer I'm realizing that everyday life can be a marvelous adventure in itself. I don't have to fly across the ocean, wear tie-dye on Tuesdays, or uproot myself for what feels like the thousandth time. I can find joy and purpose right here where God has placed me.
This wasn't my plan.
Published on
9:37 AM
By
Aunica
It's happening. I'm entering the last few days of my junior year of college.
Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be a senior.
There's a sense of paralyzing fear that accompanies the thought of graduating.
To be completely honest, this isn't where I thought I'd be.
In my plan, I'd be seriously dating if not engaged to someone before I graduated.
Some days my talks with God about the future go something like this:
"Hey God. So, uh, didn't we talk about this? You KNOW how much I want to be married. Hello? Have you heard me? Are you really listening?"
Followed by sweet Yahweh reminding me that He's got this.
But, this wasn't my plan. So the question that burns itself into my brain is this: "Now what?"
I guess deep down I never expected to be at this cross road. Do I throw myself into my career? Do I work a job for the sake of making money, but not fully invest myself? What matters? How do I best spend my time if the thing I want most isn't an option?
I always thought I'd meet a guy and move wherever he wanted to go. My plan was to work for a few years to make money, then be a stay at home mom. I've never cared about a career - people mean so much more to me than my own success. But what if what I've always wanted isn't an option - with no guarantee that it will happen in the near future, if ever? What then?
So here we are. This wasn't my plan. I'm praying for guidance for this season of lasts and the great unknown to follow.
My Beating Heart
Published on
10:35 AM
By
Aunica
What a year.
This morning I find myself sitting on my couch overwhelmed by the preciousness of Christ. To look back on this year and be able to say that I made it solely by the grace of God is no exaggeration. I can't begin to put into words the growth and redemption that's gone on over these past months. I've walked through some pretty dark days, only to come out on the other side loving the Lord deeper than I could have ever imagined possible. Last semester was emotionally and personally the hardest 5 months of my life. Walking through deep hurts and facing my fears revealed my weakness in a way I never wished to know. While those days were certainly not ones I ever want to relive, I can say with confidence that I now know who I am. I know who I am in Christ. I know who I am as an individual. I know where my value lies. A new depth has been added to my soul. A rest. A deep peace. A constant longing for an eternity with my Savior, while knowing that I can live out of that Kingdom focus even during my time on earth. I've learned to love my Abba in ways I never dreamed would be possible. My heart is found in Him. No longer do I seek outward approval to determine my worth. I'm free. I'm free to be real. I'm free to be weak. I'm free to be vulnerable. I'm free to find the deepest of joys, even on the rainy days, from the love I experience through Christ.
This semester has been the hardest academic semester I will ever experience. I knew going in it was suicide semester. 18 credits, 2 research papers, 5 design projects, ad & promo (if you only knew the work that went into that class...), more papers/tests, and freelancing on the side. To say that this week is the first week I've stopped moving all semester is no joke. While in the moments I was stressed beyond belief, looking back I see the value in this semester of craziness. I've learned hard-work. I've learned greater time management. I've grown to understand my skills and talents more than I did before. And now that things are slowing down, I've learned to deeply appreciate moments of rest. I've learned to find joy in the down time, and praise God for sweet moments of solitude. I've learned to rely on God for strength. To ask for help focusing and energy to make it through another long day. I've learned to take time to slow down and appreciate life for what it is.
This week I've been reminded that life is a gift. I'm grateful for free time. I'm grateful for this season of singleness. I'm grateful to be able to wholeheartedly pursue Christ. Praise God for His ability to work through all circumstances. Praise God that He listens to His children and hold us through the process. All praise be to Him.
Ask & Receive {I Am Redeemed}
Published on
10:08 PM
By
Aunica
"Ask, and you shall receive."
Last summer, I asked for healing.
I asked Yahweh to make me whole, to cleanse me, to make me more like Him. Ask, and you will receive. Little did I know the journey those requests would take me on.
Through this healing and refining process, I've experienced deeper pains than I knew were possible. The kind of pain that takes over - the type your body physically aches because your heart feels like it's going to burst from your chest from brokenness. Days where I didn't have the strength to smile. Many afternoons were spent reliving past hurts that hadn't been dealt with, sobbing on my rug, desperate for Yahweh but unable to feel His joy. I'm grateful that I had a light semester of classes.
Never have I experienced such a season of pain - of humility, weakness, brokenness. Never have I felt so lonely, scared, and exhausted. When I asked God to heal me, I didn't know I'd have to walk through the fire for months on end with no light in sight. I was ashamed of my struggling, but after weeks of trying to fight through it on my own, I learned to be vulnerable, honest, and humble. I was no longer able to rely on my own strength - I had none - I was forced to cling to Abba and to the support of those around me.
I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't see that ending anytime soon. For the first time I can remember, I was mad at God for letting these things happen to me. I was angry that it had effected me on such a deep level. I didn't understand. I was unable to worship, because many words didn't ring true. How could I understand God's goodness when I didn't feel like I was experiencing it? I never doubted His goodness, His love, and His faithfulness - but it was difficult for me to understand them. For 7 months, the cry of my heart was a constant mayday for HELP. Pleading with Yahweh to relieving me of my pain. Desperately asking for comfort and the end. But, also praying that above that else, He would be glorified. I understood that, for whatever reason, that meant this season of deep pain.
Eventually, I came to accept that this season of hurt was what I was dealt for the time being. I found comfort and solace in the arms of Abba. This wasn't always the case, there were weeks on end where I'd slip into my bitter cynicism. But, I never doubted that Yahweh was with me - walking next to me, holding me, and feeling with me. While there were times of human loneliness, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Yahweh was always with me.
So, here I am. 7 months later. Filled to the brim with gratitude and feeling like I've just finished running a marathon. To look back and see the work that Yahweh has done over the course of 7 months is astounding. Mind-boggling. Unbelievable. Relationships that I didn't foresee being healed in the near future, if ever, have been restored. Things I've been praying for since sophomore year of high school have been granted. On top of that, I've found my voice. I've gained a deeper understanding of who I am and where I fit through this process. I have my joy back. I'm glad to be alive. I'm eternally grateful to belong to Yahweh.
For 6 months I waited for the end, and by the 7th month, I had finally accepted my momentary fate. Yet, here I am. More whole than I ever imagined was possible. Relationships restored. Redeemed. Blessed. And, ever so aware of my Savior's deep love for me. And all of these things, so evidently in God's timing. I've still got a ways to go, after all - sanctification doesn't happen overnight. But for now, I'm deeply, deeply grateful for the great work Yahweh has done in me over the past 7 months. I've truly seen that He can take the ugliest pains, the deepest weakness, and the most broken - and make it something all together beautiful, strong, and whole.
I am redeemed. I am His.
I am Blessed.
Published on
10:32 PM
By
Aunica
Sometimes it's hard to remember.
I am blessed.
In the midst of the crazy I easily lose sight of what truly matters.
The slippery slope of complaining and dwelling on stress quickly leads to a bad attitude and a constant state of panic.
However, at the end of the day - I've only got myself to blame.
I knowingly walked into the hardest semester of my college career.
I chose to take 18 credits, simultaneously doing projects on projects, multiple research papers, and way too many tests.
Juggling class, work, sleep, friends, and working out tends to demand a planner to a higher degree than ever.
But, at the end of the day - I am blessed.
At the beginning of the day - I am blessed.
In the middle of the insanity and panic - I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I get to go to Texas with my family in three weeks.
I get to nanny & design this summer and get paid for it.
I get to live in a house with 3 beautiful ladies next year.
I am deeply loved by the Creator of the world.
The art of being soft
Published on
8:22 AM
By
Aunica
Be soft.
This year, I have some goals. Be kind, be intentional, be sincere, be soft.
I'm learning, slowly, and growing. These goals aren't things I'm straining to do, but things I ask God to help me with. Abba, show me how I can be kind today. Show me ways I can be more intentional. Help me to be sincere in my interactions. Help me to be soft and understanding, instead of hard and defensive.
I'm learning to be still. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to love others regardless of conditions.
I'm learning to be soft.
I'm learning to trust my Abba. I'm learning, more like always learning, that His timing is right -and patience is key.
I'm learning to breathe. I'm learning to take life day by day. I'm learning that stress doesn't have to be a thing. Sure, I still get overwhelmed from time to time (18 credits will do that for ya), but overall I'm learning to find joy in the little things. Instead of grumbling about all the homework I have to do, I'm asking God to show me himself in my classes.
Most of all, I'm learning that it's not life and Jesus, it's life WITH Jesus. I'm learning to life a life in communion with my Savior. Day by day. Moment by moment. To be in constant conversation. Asking Him what He thinks, asking for guidance, praying for patience and understanding.
I'm learning to be grateful for the little things - to recognize the small ways Yahweh is revealing Himself to me day by day. I'm learning to be alone. As an extrovert, it's a struggle - but I'm learning to cherish my moments of solitude.
I'm learning to understand people. To care about people. To invest in people.
Nothing brings me greater joy than to see others blooming. I love getting to hear people talk about their passions and dreams. It's still crazy to me how different everyone can be.
I'm learning humility. I'm learning to listen to others' thoughts on things and accept them as valid. I'm learning to ask God what He thinks instead of assuming I'm right. This year, my theology has gotten torn up - I'm still relearning what I believe and hold to be true. It's been humbling. I used to find identity in my understanding of theology. I used to think I had it all figured out. But, the more I get to know God, the more I understand His holiness and His glory, the more I realize I'll never fully comprehend even a breath of who He is. I'm learning to be okay with not knowing. I'm learning to be okay with learning alongside of others instead of being a step ahead. I'm learning that there are things I might never understand.
I'm learning to not complain. This one is the lesson I trip up on most. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed by 7:50 classes and 18 credits and snow storms. I'm learning that others' hardships don't minimize my own. Just because someone else has a hard semester too doesn't mean mine is any less valid. But, I'm learning to find joy in it. I'll graduate before I know it.D
I'm learning to ask God big things. Abba, show me how YOU see your children. Abba, show me where I'm choosing things over you. Abba, help me be more like you.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Self-control. Goodness.
Yahweh, make me like You.
Not so "Little Things"
Published on
9:46 AM
By
Aunica
It's just music.
It's just a TV show.
It's just a movie.
It's just a joke.
Have you ever made one of these statements? I know I have.
So many times I've tried to rationalize what I've chosen to listen, watch or say.
Over Christmas break I was convicted. So many times I've chosen to watch a show on netflix rather than spend time with Jesus. So many times I've been unable to connect with my Abba because some dirty pop song from the radio was stuck in my head. Over time I've seen my mind begin to be corrupted by the shows I watch. I rationalize it - "I know what I believe. It won't effect me. It's not a big deal." But then I hear myself thinking more along time lines of the values the show depicts, as slowly things that used to be a big deal to me no longer seem like huge issues. I've gradually become numb to the things that used to be core values. "They don't know Jesus, so it doesn't matter." Seriously?
I'm sickened that this went on so long. I'm saddened that it took me so long to realize what I've been trying to ignore. I thought that I couldn't live without these things. I thought it wasn't a big deal. Little did I know how wrong I was.
Maybe that means giving up a show you like. Maybe that means giving up your favorite radio station. Maybe that means you don't go to a movie with your friends. But, whatever the sacrifice, it's nothing compared to the worth of gaining a deeper relationship with Yahweh. No matter what the cost, it's nothing compared to the gain. It's worth it. I can vouch for that. I thought I'd miss it. I thought I'd be sad, bored, and frustrated. But, much to my surprise, I'm more joyful. I'm much more focused on Christ. Instead of Ke$ha running through my head, I'm singing praises to my God all day long. Instead of talking about the sexual innuendoes of whatever sitcom is popular, I'm able to express my deep gratitude that my God is a God who redeems.
Is it hard sometimes? Oh yes. There are definitely times when all I want to do is listen to my pop music playlist. But, believe me, there are alternatives. Instead of listening to garbage when I workout, I listen to Jesus music and leave more filled with truth. Instead of watching those shows, I watch sermons.
Maybe that means you miss out sometimes, but the Kingdom is worth it. The joy is worth it. Christ is MORE than worth it.
Fight for joy.
Praise God for His redemption. Praise God for His work in my heart. Praise God for His patience and faithfulness.
Music, Joy, & Returning to Christ
Published on
9:33 AM
By
Aunica
I'm learning.
Slowly, but I'm learning.
I'm learning that life is a fight - a fight for joy. A fight to desire Christ above all else. A fight to not get distracted by temporary things.
It's easy to think little things aren't a big deal. "Well, it's just music." or "It's just a movie."
Believe me, I've been there. I AM there. For whatever reason, over the past few years, my judgment has slipped. I've neglected to realize the depth of the impact the things I watch and listen to have on my growth and outlook on life.
I'm learning. I'm learning that the music I listen to effects my attitude in more ways than I ever imagined. I think deep down I'm always known that, but didn't want to accept it. I like secular music. It sounds good. It's fun. It has a sweet beat.
But by focusing on that sweet beat I've missed out on sweet moments with my sweet Jesus. I've filled my ears with the world, allowing the ideals of our culture to infiltrate my mind. And sadly, I've begun to believe them. I've bought into the culture that my worth is found in my appearance. That I'm only as good as my dress size. I've believed that my body is to be used as a weapon.
Worst of all, I haven't listened to the Spirit when it's tried to tell me these things. When my Abba has nudged my heart, showing me softly the impact these things have made on me. I wish I would have listened sooner.
So, that all being said, I'm not listening to secular music this semester. I'm asking God to speak to my heart. I'm rooting out the ways the world has gotten a hold on me. I'm cutting ties with distractions. No secular music. Not because it's inherently bad, but because it's inhibiting my ability to connect with my Savior. Giving up sweet beats for sweet moments is more than worth it to me.
Over the past week and a half I've already seen God use this. Give Him opportunities, and He'll speak to you in ways you could have never imagined. He's using the Jesus music I'm filling my ears with to remind me of His truth, His love, and His faithfulness.
This semester I'm taking back my joy.
As I ask Him to speak to me, I challenge you to do the same. Music has had a grip on my heart for more years than I'd like to admit. What areas are you keeping from God? What parts of your life do you think "aren't a big deal" or "won't make that much of a difference"?
{Be Kind. Be Intentional. Be Soft. Be Sincere.}
>> Disclaimer: I'm not saying Christian music is boring, lacking in appeal, or necessarily doesn't have a beat <<
