Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
After feeling so dry for so long, I feel like my soul radiating my love for Christ.
There are just seasons when I feel like I can't express enough how much I love Him. All I want to do is talk to Him. All I want to do is learn about Him. All I want to do is bask in His love. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to leave my room, except to share His love with those I'd encounter. Honestly, the love of Christ is second to nothing. Jesus + nothing = everything. He is everything. I need nothing else.
Today is Christmas. First of all, thank-you Lord for sending your Son. What a beautiful gift!
Second of all, I received a book today that I'd been meaning to read for a while: Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. Wow. God is awesome. Yesterday I realized my perception of grace is WAY off, and that I really don't understand it. Today, through this book, God is realigning my views and making me realize how wacked out my thinking was.
I've literally lived my whole walk with Christ so far under self-imposed rules, thinking that somehow if I fulfilled these God would love me more. That while no, I didn't earn my salvation through works - somehow I thought I needed to do good works in order to keep it.
The thought that, to me, grace is free is just mind-blowing. I can't comprehend it. It doesn't compute. What? I don't have to pay anything? And more importantly, there's absolutely nothing I could do even if I needed to in order to deserve this radical grace.
Grace wasn't costless - no, it cost God much. But to me, to us, it's free. The cost of following Christ is much different, while not completely free - the joy that accompanies it is worth far more than anything it could cost.
Joy. Unspeakable joy. It overwhelms my soul. I can't put into words how I feel right now. Peace? Rest? Deeper than that. Like I've been wandering for a long, long time - and I'm finally home. Home in the arms of Christ.
Legalism is something I hide behind because I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid to give God control. I'm afraid that, if I give grace free reign that I'll take advantage of it. Do I not trust God enough to know that He's in control? Who am I to think that by putting rules and regulations upon myself that I'll tame this wild grace He's given us, that somehow it's up to me to make sure grace stays within its bounds? Maybe grace IS supposed to run free. Isn't God powerful enough to control it?
It's not about my behavior or "rule following", it's not whether or not I live up to all the commandments, but it's about my heart. Where is my heart? Am I deeply satisfied in Christ?
My legalism this semester has sucked all the joy out of my relationship with Christ. It's crazy to look back and see that now, because it wasn't evident then.
I am free. I am free from the bonds of legalism. I don't have to follow the rules. In fact, I can't. I. Am. Free. Free to strive after Christ. To seek Him, not rules. Free to be joyful. Free.
"Because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak;
Because Jesus won for me, I was free to lose;
Because Jesus was someone, I was free to be no one;
Because Jesus was extraordinary, I was free to be ordinary;
Because Jesus succeeded for me, I was free to fail."
--> Tullian Tchividjan, Jesus + Nothing = Everything
Radical Grace & Incredible Freedom
Late Night Rambling & Deep-ish Thoughts
Late Night Rambling & Deep-ish Thoughts
Crying is weird. After not crying for as long as I can remember, I've started crying again this year. Not a lot, but it's definitely a weird feeling when it comes. I mostly cry now when I have no other way of expressing deep emotions, so I've started crying multiple times during worship. Sometimes I just can't express how overwhelmed I am by God's grace/power/goodness, so I start crying. I don't know when it started happening, I don't know how to stop it. I'm not sure I want to. It's just weird.
Ah. The great Works vs Faith deal. I KNOW that no matter what I do I can't make God love me any more or less, that my salvation is not determined by my good works and that because I love God I want to serve Him and obey His commandments, but it's so hard for me to fully grasp this concept. I don't really see this playing out anywhere in the world, you always get ahead by doing good and there's always a reward. I feel like somehow God should bless me because I love Him so much. Which is wrong, yes, I fully admit that. I'm a selfish kid sometimes. I go back and forth between entering the throne rooming demanding God to bless me for doing good things and crawling into His presence in tears on my knees. I don't know how to balance the two. To live in the knowledge both of my depravity and the knowledge that I'm a new creation. I'm still a sinner. I still sin. But, Christ now lives in me so I'm not a slave to sin anymore. Ah. Struggle city.
In other news, Christmas break has been so good so far. It's been great to be able to sit in my room late at night hashing things out with God. Talking about struggles, victories, and giving myself fully to Him. Being able to spend time alone with the Lord is SO GOOD. I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Ahhhhhhhhh! The things that've been troubling me just melt away when I'm in His presence. Somehow, knowing that the victory is already won makes every little struggle and shortcoming seem so much less important. I am eternally grateful.
I wish there was some way you could just push a button and transfer everything from your head to your heart. I love theology. Oh man. So much, but so often it goes into my head and never makes it to my heart.
I'm figuring out I'm a lot more emotional that I thought I was. I just don't express it that often, so it sort of gets built up. Working on that. Learning sometimes doesn't happen overnight, actually a lot of times it doesn't, and it takes time to relearn something you've done ever since you can remember. It's the weirdest thing to be able to feel emotions in my heart again. To be able to feel excitement. Love. Joy. Rest. To once again expand my emotional spectrum to what it should be. I can feel the holy spirit moving inside of me, and it's CRAZY.
Some nights I can just feel God's presence. It's incredible. To just rest in His arms. To know that, while sometimes I have questions and I don't understand things, He does. It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have all the answers. I wish I knew, that's for sure, but I know that God will provide the answers I need when I need them. Mmm. I love my late night dates with Jesus - these are the moments when all I can do is lift my hands to the sky and smile. He is SO powerful. And He's my foundation. My rock. My cornerstone.
"I'm not afraid anymore, 'cause I'm running with your fire Lord. I'm taking up my sword. You train my hands and my fingers for war." (Not Afraid Anymore by Leeland)
I love Leeland. Their music is incredible. What worshipful experience. I've also figured out I like painting a lot. I'm not overtly great at it yet, but I mean - I started a few days ago. I'm working on a sunset/sunrise series with lines. I'm pretty excited about it.
Grace is radical. I don't understand. It literally doesn't make sense to me. Praying for understanding.
Ah. The great Works vs Faith deal. I KNOW that no matter what I do I can't make God love me any more or less, that my salvation is not determined by my good works and that because I love God I want to serve Him and obey His commandments, but it's so hard for me to fully grasp this concept. I don't really see this playing out anywhere in the world, you always get ahead by doing good and there's always a reward. I feel like somehow God should bless me because I love Him so much. Which is wrong, yes, I fully admit that. I'm a selfish kid sometimes. I go back and forth between entering the throne rooming demanding God to bless me for doing good things and crawling into His presence in tears on my knees. I don't know how to balance the two. To live in the knowledge both of my depravity and the knowledge that I'm a new creation. I'm still a sinner. I still sin. But, Christ now lives in me so I'm not a slave to sin anymore. Ah. Struggle city.
In other news, Christmas break has been so good so far. It's been great to be able to sit in my room late at night hashing things out with God. Talking about struggles, victories, and giving myself fully to Him. Being able to spend time alone with the Lord is SO GOOD. I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Ahhhhhhhhh! The things that've been troubling me just melt away when I'm in His presence. Somehow, knowing that the victory is already won makes every little struggle and shortcoming seem so much less important. I am eternally grateful.
I wish there was some way you could just push a button and transfer everything from your head to your heart. I love theology. Oh man. So much, but so often it goes into my head and never makes it to my heart.
I'm figuring out I'm a lot more emotional that I thought I was. I just don't express it that often, so it sort of gets built up. Working on that. Learning sometimes doesn't happen overnight, actually a lot of times it doesn't, and it takes time to relearn something you've done ever since you can remember. It's the weirdest thing to be able to feel emotions in my heart again. To be able to feel excitement. Love. Joy. Rest. To once again expand my emotional spectrum to what it should be. I can feel the holy spirit moving inside of me, and it's CRAZY.
Some nights I can just feel God's presence. It's incredible. To just rest in His arms. To know that, while sometimes I have questions and I don't understand things, He does. It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have all the answers. I wish I knew, that's for sure, but I know that God will provide the answers I need when I need them. Mmm. I love my late night dates with Jesus - these are the moments when all I can do is lift my hands to the sky and smile. He is SO powerful. And He's my foundation. My rock. My cornerstone.
"I'm not afraid anymore, 'cause I'm running with your fire Lord. I'm taking up my sword. You train my hands and my fingers for war." (Not Afraid Anymore by Leeland)
I love Leeland. Their music is incredible. What worshipful experience. I've also figured out I like painting a lot. I'm not overtly great at it yet, but I mean - I started a few days ago. I'm working on a sunset/sunrise series with lines. I'm pretty excited about it.
Grace is radical. I don't understand. It literally doesn't make sense to me. Praying for understanding.
Radical Grace
Radical Grace
I think a lot of times i belittled the freedom we have in Christ. Like,
so many people take it to the extreme - pushing the limits of freedom,
doing things that aren't glorifying to God under the pretense that they
can do it because they're already saved and they have their golden
ticket to heaven. So, somehow i feel like I have to swing the other way.
Belittling my freedom. Putting it in a box. Placing chains and
restraints on how far it can take me. Placing the shackles of legalism
on my wrists. Slapping myself on the back of the hand every time I fail.
Getting upset when I fall short. Feeling angry when I sin, and getting
frustrated when I continue to put things in front of God. It's so, so
hard for me to accept that God isn't angry with me when I don't fulfill
the law. I totally don't get that. How can He be okay with me failing?
I'm definitely not okay with myself. It's so hard for me grasp the concept
that my price has been paid. When God looks at me, He no longer sees my sin. He doesn't see my filth. I've been washed in the blood of the Lamb.
I think it's hard for me to grasp this because while my old self is dead, I still sin. I'm not a slave to sin - I definitely see the difference there, and I've seen how I've grown in that sense, but I still sin. Yes, I'm a new creation - Christ lives in me. I hate that I sin. I hate that I still have an indwelling sin nature. I hate my depravity.
I need to remind myself that Jesus is enough. I think, somehow, it doesn't connect in my mind that Jesus dying was enough, no, more than enough to satisfy the wrath of God. I think somehow I'm afraid. Afraid that somehow I'm not completely covered, that my sin is too sinful for Jesus' blood to cover. Which is ridiculous, and heretical. Sometimes things just don't make it to my heart.
Grace is radical. It's crazy. I don't understand, but I'm praying that God will move this knowledge from my head to my heart. Lord, give me understanding.
Jesus blood is enough. Nothing but the blood of Jesus could cleanse me from my sinfulness. I. Am. Free.
From an article by Tullian Tchividjian:
Like Job’s friends, we naturally conclude that good people get good stuff and bad people get bad stuff. The idea that bad people get good stuff is thickly counterintuitive; it seems terribly unfair and offends our sense of justice. Even those of us who have tasted the radical saving grace of God find it intuitively difficult not to put conditions on grace. The truth is that a “yes grace, but” posture is the kind of posture that perpetuates slavery in our lives and in the church.
Grace is radically unbalanced. It has no “but”; it’s unconditional, uncontrollable, unpredictable, and undomesticated. As Doug Wilson put it recently, “Grace is wild. Grace unsettles everything. Grace overflows the banks. Grace messes up your hair. Grace is not tame. In fact, unless we are making the devout nervous, we are not preaching grace as we ought.”
What the Pharisee, the prostitute, and everyone in-between need to remember every day is that Christ offers forgiveness full and free from both our self-righteous goodness and our unrighteous badness. This is the hardest thing for us to believe as Christians. We think it’s a mark of spiritual maturity to hang on to our guilt and shame. We’ve sickly concluded that the worse we feel, the better we actually are.
I think it's hard for me to grasp this because while my old self is dead, I still sin. I'm not a slave to sin - I definitely see the difference there, and I've seen how I've grown in that sense, but I still sin. Yes, I'm a new creation - Christ lives in me. I hate that I sin. I hate that I still have an indwelling sin nature. I hate my depravity.
I need to remind myself that Jesus is enough. I think, somehow, it doesn't connect in my mind that Jesus dying was enough, no, more than enough to satisfy the wrath of God. I think somehow I'm afraid. Afraid that somehow I'm not completely covered, that my sin is too sinful for Jesus' blood to cover. Which is ridiculous, and heretical. Sometimes things just don't make it to my heart.
Grace is radical. It's crazy. I don't understand, but I'm praying that God will move this knowledge from my head to my heart. Lord, give me understanding.
Jesus blood is enough. Nothing but the blood of Jesus could cleanse me from my sinfulness. I. Am. Free.
From an article by Tullian Tchividjian:
Like Job’s friends, we naturally conclude that good people get good stuff and bad people get bad stuff. The idea that bad people get good stuff is thickly counterintuitive; it seems terribly unfair and offends our sense of justice. Even those of us who have tasted the radical saving grace of God find it intuitively difficult not to put conditions on grace. The truth is that a “yes grace, but” posture is the kind of posture that perpetuates slavery in our lives and in the church.
Grace is radically unbalanced. It has no “but”; it’s unconditional, uncontrollable, unpredictable, and undomesticated. As Doug Wilson put it recently, “Grace is wild. Grace unsettles everything. Grace overflows the banks. Grace messes up your hair. Grace is not tame. In fact, unless we are making the devout nervous, we are not preaching grace as we ought.”
What the Pharisee, the prostitute, and everyone in-between need to remember every day is that Christ offers forgiveness full and free from both our self-righteous goodness and our unrighteous badness. This is the hardest thing for us to believe as Christians. We think it’s a mark of spiritual maturity to hang on to our guilt and shame. We’ve sickly concluded that the worse we feel, the better we actually are.
God’s grace doesn’t demand you get clean before you come to Jesus.It is true! No strings attached. No but’s. No conditions. No need for balance. If you are a Christian, you are right now under the completely sufficient imputed righteousness of Christ. Your pardon is full and final. In Christ, you’re forgiven. You’re clean. It is finished.
Christmas & Skewed Perceptions
Christmas & Skewed Perceptions
Shoot.
Today I was reading my favorite blog (Theresurgence) and found myself ready for Christmas to be over so the posts wouldn't be about baby Jesus anymore. I let that thought sink in for a few minutes before I realized how skewed that was.
I'm realizing more and more that my heart isn't ready for Christmas. It's so much easier for me to block off and wall off my heart than to be open and vulnerable and allow Jesus to do His work. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the consumerism of Christmas. The flashing lights, the "more" mentality, even the focus on family can be distracting. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of the season, and completely forget the reason behind it.
Christmas isn't about the flashing lights. Christmas isn't about cookies. Christmas isn't about comfort. Christmas isn't about consumerism. Christmas isn't even about family. Christmas is about Jesus. Christmas is about celebrating His birth and the beginning of what became a beautiful tragedy - the beautiful tragedy that saved us from the grip of death.
I'm challenging myself, and I'll challenge you too, to get your hearts right. To think on the reason for Christmas. To not just let another year go by riddled with busyness, but to rest in Christ. Take a step back from the flashing lights and abundance of red and green and instead find yourself kneeling in a stable by a manger. Find yourself in the simplicity of Christmas, and instead of focusing on what we've been told Christmas is, focus on wanting more of Christ. Mas Christ. Christmas.
Today I was reading my favorite blog (Theresurgence) and found myself ready for Christmas to be over so the posts wouldn't be about baby Jesus anymore. I let that thought sink in for a few minutes before I realized how skewed that was.
I'm realizing more and more that my heart isn't ready for Christmas. It's so much easier for me to block off and wall off my heart than to be open and vulnerable and allow Jesus to do His work. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the consumerism of Christmas. The flashing lights, the "more" mentality, even the focus on family can be distracting. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of the season, and completely forget the reason behind it.
Christmas isn't about the flashing lights. Christmas isn't about cookies. Christmas isn't about comfort. Christmas isn't about consumerism. Christmas isn't even about family. Christmas is about Jesus. Christmas is about celebrating His birth and the beginning of what became a beautiful tragedy - the beautiful tragedy that saved us from the grip of death.
I'm challenging myself, and I'll challenge you too, to get your hearts right. To think on the reason for Christmas. To not just let another year go by riddled with busyness, but to rest in Christ. Take a step back from the flashing lights and abundance of red and green and instead find yourself kneeling in a stable by a manger. Find yourself in the simplicity of Christmas, and instead of focusing on what we've been told Christmas is, focus on wanting more of Christ. Mas Christ. Christmas.
Finals Week, Let's Go
Finals Week, Let's Go
Reasons why I'm excited to go home:
--> Family.
--> Friends
--> Freedom from homework
--> FREE TIME!
--> Crazy amounts of dates with Jesus.
--> Christmas & joy
--> Sleep
--> Did I mention no homework?
--> Bucket lists
--> Catching up with friends
--> Drinking insane amounts of coffee
--> Baking and cooking whatever I want
--> Time to design for fun
--> Time to reflect on the year & spend time alone
--> Home. Comfort. Breathing.
Dear finals, do your worst.
--> Family.
--> Friends
--> Freedom from homework
--> FREE TIME!
--> Crazy amounts of dates with Jesus.
--> Christmas & joy
--> Sleep
--> Did I mention no homework?
--> Bucket lists
--> Catching up with friends
--> Drinking insane amounts of coffee
--> Baking and cooking whatever I want
--> Time to design for fun
--> Time to reflect on the year & spend time alone
--> Home. Comfort. Breathing.
Dear finals, do your worst.
Reminded
Reminded
I'm reminded today of all the families who are missing children or parents.
Of the parents who want to wake up to find that it was all a bad dream.
Of the tear-streaked faces.
Of the numb pain.
Of presents that will never be opened.
Of the children whose eyes will never open.
Of the Christmas that won't be filled with family time and laughter, but funerals and tears.
My heart aches for theses families.
I can't express the pain I feel for them, and my soul pleads for their comfort.
Lord, hold them in your arms - remind them of your Love and purpose today and for the days and years to come.
Renew their hope.
Help them to take one step at a time and breathe in your comfort and peace.
Their lives are forever changed, but I pray that God can be glorified through this horror.
While America thinks of them for a few hours or a few days, these parents will never forget this tragedy.
My prayer is that, while they will never forget or fully recover, that they will find their comfort and peace in Christ.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15)
This world is not our home, and today I'm thankful for that reminder. Set eternity in our hearts, Lord.
Of the parents who want to wake up to find that it was all a bad dream.
Of the tear-streaked faces.
Of the numb pain.
Of presents that will never be opened.
Of the children whose eyes will never open.
Of the Christmas that won't be filled with family time and laughter, but funerals and tears.
My heart aches for theses families.
I can't express the pain I feel for them, and my soul pleads for their comfort.
Lord, hold them in your arms - remind them of your Love and purpose today and for the days and years to come.
Renew their hope.
Help them to take one step at a time and breathe in your comfort and peace.
Their lives are forever changed, but I pray that God can be glorified through this horror.
While America thinks of them for a few hours or a few days, these parents will never forget this tragedy.
My prayer is that, while they will never forget or fully recover, that they will find their comfort and peace in Christ.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15)
This world is not our home, and today I'm thankful for that reminder. Set eternity in our hearts, Lord.
"27 Killed in Connecticut Shooting, Including 20 Children"
"27 Killed in Connecticut Shooting, Including 20 Children"
This world is not my home. This world is not my home. This world is not my home.
Those are the words I've been reminded of throughout the day.
The moment I read the headline telling the sick tale of the Connecticut elementary school shooting, my heart stopped. I stopped breathing. Time stopped ticking. My stomach started churning.
My brain was frantic. How could someone do something like this? Who could go into an elementary school and shoot children? Even typing those words makes me want to throw up. Who could look in the eyes of these children and end their lives?
I don't have kids, but I come in contact with them every day. I see the joy that they bring to those around them. Their innocent questions, their grins as they learn new things, their general happiness in life. I can't for a second imagine the immense heartache these parents are undergoing. Their lives have been flipped upside down.
Today, many people will ask "how could a good God allow this to happen?"
We're asking the wrong question. I know that our God is grieving as well. He loves children, He has a heart for them. There is evil in the world. We live in a fallen world. These instances shouldn't make us question God's sovereignty, but instead remind us that our hope comes from Christ. This earth is not our home. For those of us who deeply love the Lord, this is the closest thing we'll experience to hell. This reminds us that life is short. Those parents didn't send their kids to school today knowing that was the last time they'd look in their eyes, give them a hug, or zip up their coat. Our lives are but a vapor in the wind. Each breath could be our last. There is an urgency in our good news(the gospel). We know Hope. We know Life. We know Love. He is our comfort and our solace. This event shouldn't lead us to question God, but to realize what really matters here on earth - Jesus. I know talking about Christ can be "scary", but in the long run I'd rather be known as a Jesus freak than someone who had the good news but didn't share it. Why are we so afraid?
I grieve for the lives lost today. For the children who won't get to open their Christmas presents this year. For the parents who have to live each day feeling the hole their child left in their heart. For the kids who witnessed this tragedy - their lives will never be the same. For the family members of the adults who were also shot today.
I don't have kids of my own, but my heart weeps for those who were effected by this tragedy. I've had campers who were that age & my toddlers at daycare aren't much younger than some of the lives lost today. Their beautiful faces flashed through my head this afternoon. Parents all over the country are holding their children a little closer today, as they're abruptly reminded of the blessing that their child is.
Hold your loved ones close. Comfort those who are grieving. Be reminded that this is not our home. Share Jesus with urgency - we have no idea how much time we really have here on earth. I pray that God would somehow be glorified through this tragedy.
Those are the words I've been reminded of throughout the day.
The moment I read the headline telling the sick tale of the Connecticut elementary school shooting, my heart stopped. I stopped breathing. Time stopped ticking. My stomach started churning.
My brain was frantic. How could someone do something like this? Who could go into an elementary school and shoot children? Even typing those words makes me want to throw up. Who could look in the eyes of these children and end their lives?
I don't have kids, but I come in contact with them every day. I see the joy that they bring to those around them. Their innocent questions, their grins as they learn new things, their general happiness in life. I can't for a second imagine the immense heartache these parents are undergoing. Their lives have been flipped upside down.
Today, many people will ask "how could a good God allow this to happen?"
We're asking the wrong question. I know that our God is grieving as well. He loves children, He has a heart for them. There is evil in the world. We live in a fallen world. These instances shouldn't make us question God's sovereignty, but instead remind us that our hope comes from Christ. This earth is not our home. For those of us who deeply love the Lord, this is the closest thing we'll experience to hell. This reminds us that life is short. Those parents didn't send their kids to school today knowing that was the last time they'd look in their eyes, give them a hug, or zip up their coat. Our lives are but a vapor in the wind. Each breath could be our last. There is an urgency in our good news(the gospel). We know Hope. We know Life. We know Love. He is our comfort and our solace. This event shouldn't lead us to question God, but to realize what really matters here on earth - Jesus. I know talking about Christ can be "scary", but in the long run I'd rather be known as a Jesus freak than someone who had the good news but didn't share it. Why are we so afraid?
I grieve for the lives lost today. For the children who won't get to open their Christmas presents this year. For the parents who have to live each day feeling the hole their child left in their heart. For the kids who witnessed this tragedy - their lives will never be the same. For the family members of the adults who were also shot today.
I don't have kids of my own, but my heart weeps for those who were effected by this tragedy. I've had campers who were that age & my toddlers at daycare aren't much younger than some of the lives lost today. Their beautiful faces flashed through my head this afternoon. Parents all over the country are holding their children a little closer today, as they're abruptly reminded of the blessing that their child is.
Hold your loved ones close. Comfort those who are grieving. Be reminded that this is not our home. Share Jesus with urgency - we have no idea how much time we really have here on earth. I pray that God would somehow be glorified through this tragedy.
Confessions of a Closet Pharisee
Confessions of a Closet Pharisee
{& the baby stepping process of breaking free from the chains of legalism}
Until this summer, if you'd have asked me if I believed in works based righteousness I would have adamantly denied it. This denial surely would have come with a free recitation of some passages about how your works come from the overflow of your faith or a talk about how we can't earn our salvation.
After a long process of deep soul searching, some bumpy roads, and a lot of disgruntled growing - I realized that, while my mouth was saying those things, my heart and mind weren't on board. I knew in my words that I wasn't saved by my works or my apparent amount of "holiness" but in fact by my faith alone. Somehow this has always been a hard concept for me to grasp, I just didn't realize it at the time. Somehow, the translation was lost between my tongue and my heart.
Until this summer, I never felt the freedom that should always accompany the gospel. My relationship with Christ came with the chains that I believed had to follow when understanding the law. There was my mistake. I viewed the law as some form of slavery. Sure I'd been saved from the darkness and slavery to sin, but I felt like I'd gone from one terrible master to a lesser of the two evils. I felt enslaved to the law. Burdened by my sin, and brought down by the law's ability to constantly remind me of what a failure I was.
I was exhausted. I was discouraged. I constantly felt the weight of my shortcomings and my failures. And most of all I was burned out. As I tried to fulfill the law on my own, missing hoop after hoop, my discouragement grew with every failure. Throughout the summer I grew angry with God. In my exhaustion I reached the end of my ability to handle my own failures day after day. Slowly, throughout a season of anger, the Lord whispered to the depths of my heart.
It's been a process. Baby stepping my way out of my chains and little by little gaining the true peace and freedom that should accompany the gospel. The law doesn't enslave, it frees. That something I've learned the hard way. I always wanted to live up to God's standards. I felt like, somehow, I had to work for His love and affection - that maybe, if I lived up to His desires He'd love me. However, that's not how God's love works. No matter what I do, I can't make Him love me any more or less. Unconditional love is one of the hardest things for me to grasp. I don't have to live up to the law, in fact - I CAN'T fulfill the law. The law shows me how I fail, but Jesus already fulfilled God's standards - so I'm free to fall short and fail. I've found that through this freedom my desire to follow His laws is so much greater.
It's been a crazy journey, a bumpy road, and I don't feel like I've had time to catch my breath yet. I'm beginning to see that the law is, in fact, there for our own good - which of these rules would we benefit from getting rid of? None of them. They're all in place so we can live the best lives possible.
The closer I grow to God, the more I desire to serve Him. Now, instead of seeing the law as chains and slavery. I can't do it on my own, and I don't have to. Relying on God for strength and joy has been one of the best decisions I've made this semester.
Thanks, Lord for:
Lessons, growing pains, Your incredible faithfulness, grace, the law, the gospel, snow, the great outdoors, NOOSA greek yogurt (yum yum yum), protein, dancing, and the hope of Christmas break.
Resurgence Articles I'm resonating with this week:
A. http://theresurgence.com/2010/12/28/i-just-need-to-give-myself-grace
B. http://theresurgence.com/2012/11/23/the-cure-for-backsliding?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=theresurgence&utm_campaign=The%2BResurgence%2BTwitter
C. theresurgence.com/2012/10/24/6-warning-signs-were-becoming-accidental-pharisees
D. http://theresurgence.com/2012/10/24/i-see-you-and-i-judge
E. http://theresurgence.com/2012/08/01/the-3-chains-of-legalism
Until this summer, if you'd have asked me if I believed in works based righteousness I would have adamantly denied it. This denial surely would have come with a free recitation of some passages about how your works come from the overflow of your faith or a talk about how we can't earn our salvation.
After a long process of deep soul searching, some bumpy roads, and a lot of disgruntled growing - I realized that, while my mouth was saying those things, my heart and mind weren't on board. I knew in my words that I wasn't saved by my works or my apparent amount of "holiness" but in fact by my faith alone. Somehow this has always been a hard concept for me to grasp, I just didn't realize it at the time. Somehow, the translation was lost between my tongue and my heart.
Until this summer, I never felt the freedom that should always accompany the gospel. My relationship with Christ came with the chains that I believed had to follow when understanding the law. There was my mistake. I viewed the law as some form of slavery. Sure I'd been saved from the darkness and slavery to sin, but I felt like I'd gone from one terrible master to a lesser of the two evils. I felt enslaved to the law. Burdened by my sin, and brought down by the law's ability to constantly remind me of what a failure I was.
I was exhausted. I was discouraged. I constantly felt the weight of my shortcomings and my failures. And most of all I was burned out. As I tried to fulfill the law on my own, missing hoop after hoop, my discouragement grew with every failure. Throughout the summer I grew angry with God. In my exhaustion I reached the end of my ability to handle my own failures day after day. Slowly, throughout a season of anger, the Lord whispered to the depths of my heart.
It's been a process. Baby stepping my way out of my chains and little by little gaining the true peace and freedom that should accompany the gospel. The law doesn't enslave, it frees. That something I've learned the hard way. I always wanted to live up to God's standards. I felt like, somehow, I had to work for His love and affection - that maybe, if I lived up to His desires He'd love me. However, that's not how God's love works. No matter what I do, I can't make Him love me any more or less. Unconditional love is one of the hardest things for me to grasp. I don't have to live up to the law, in fact - I CAN'T fulfill the law. The law shows me how I fail, but Jesus already fulfilled God's standards - so I'm free to fall short and fail. I've found that through this freedom my desire to follow His laws is so much greater.
It's been a crazy journey, a bumpy road, and I don't feel like I've had time to catch my breath yet. I'm beginning to see that the law is, in fact, there for our own good - which of these rules would we benefit from getting rid of? None of them. They're all in place so we can live the best lives possible.
The closer I grow to God, the more I desire to serve Him. Now, instead of seeing the law as chains and slavery. I can't do it on my own, and I don't have to. Relying on God for strength and joy has been one of the best decisions I've made this semester.
Thanks, Lord for:
Lessons, growing pains, Your incredible faithfulness, grace, the law, the gospel, snow, the great outdoors, NOOSA greek yogurt (yum yum yum), protein, dancing, and the hope of Christmas break.
Resurgence Articles I'm resonating with this week:
A. http://theresurgence.com/2010/12/28/i-just-need-to-give-myself-grace
B. http://theresurgence.com/2012/11/23/the-cure-for-backsliding?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=theresurgence&utm_campaign=The%2BResurgence%2BTwitter
C. theresurgence.com/2012/10/24/6-warning-signs-were-becoming-accidental-pharisees
D. http://theresurgence.com/2012/10/24/i-see-you-and-i-judge
E. http://theresurgence.com/2012/08/01/the-3-chains-of-legalism
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