Archive for October 2013

Life is War

Published on 8:23 PM By Aunica
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Life is war.
Tonight has been a fight.
My Abba has given me an awareness of satan's lies. He's spoken truth into them.
He's helped me put on my armor.
As I fight to speak truth into the lies, I'm reminded that I'm a daughter of the King.
I am beloved of the Creator.
I am cherished beyond measure.
I am loved more deeply than I can fathom.
Tonight I'm grateful that my Abba is with me. He fights for me. He's faithful.
Praying for a continued awareness of the daily battle that rages.
The battles are raging, but the war is won.
In the end, Jesus wins.
It is finished.










I belong to Yahweh.

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A Restless Heart: A Semester of Struggling & Fighting

Published on 10:28 PM By Aunica
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"My heart is restless until it rests in You." {Augustine}

If I had to sum up the semester so far in a few words they'd probably be vulnerability, humility, honesty, and wandering.

Vulnerability. I came into this school year more visibly broken than I've ever been. Summer was great and terrible in ways I still struggle to verbalize. I still had a lot of processing to do when I arrived at school for the semester, and I continue to process the things I learned and the ways I grew and changed over the summer. For the first time in my life, I chose to be alone. I sat in my room for hours, hashing things out with my Abba. Asking for understanding. Pleading for wisdom. Begging Him to come alongside me to soften the pain. Being real with people never used to be something I was good at, and I'm definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I've been more real with people in the past two months than in the rest of my life combined.

Humility. Oh man. I've hated this lesson. This semester has been pretty rocky spiritually, and for what seems like the first time in my life I've had to admit that I don't have it all together. I've had to learn to rely on others for strength. I've had to learn to turn to others for advice and wisdom when I've genuinely not known what to do. In this season of struggling and fighting, I've been more jealous of other peoples' faith more than ever before. I long for the days I've been overwhelmed by joy. I long for the days of pure contentment and desire for my Savior. I desperately grasp at the past seasons of sweetness, but know that for whatever reason it isn't to be.

Honesty. Over the past two months I've had to admit that I'm not doing well more than ever before. I've learned to be honest about how I'm doing instead of the classic 'smile and say you're good'. Man. It doesn't feel good. I grew up hating my weakness and vowing I'd be strong, so to admit that I don't have answers and that I'm still a work in progress has taken a big wack at my sense of identity. Praise God that my identity isn't in my own strength, but in His.

Wandering. Maybe a better phrase for this would be 'frusteration at my lack of desire for God'. I find myself, more subconsciously than anything, choosing other things over God. Knowingly choosing to lay on my floor instead of reading my bible. Knowingly surfing the web instead of doing devotions. A lack of desire. A wandering. With that awareness, I'm learning to fight for my Jesus. I'm learning to face the music - to lean into the pain. I'm not alone in this process.

My prayer for this season is constantly asking God to remind me. Remind me of His goodness, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love, etc. At the end of the day, I don't understand the ways I've changed. I'm not sure when things will be good again. I don't have answers. All I know is that God is in control, and I'm not alone. My Hope is with me. I am His.

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