Archive for July 2012

Jesus loves me, this I know?

Published on 10:44 PM By Aunica
0 comments
I am accepted, even when I feel unacceptable.
I am loved, even when I feel unlovable.
I am desired, even when I feel undesirable.
I am forgiven, even when I feel unforgivable.
I am a child and heir, even when I feel abandoned.
I am cherished, even when I feel forgotten.
I am held, even when I feel alone.
I am safe, even when I feel afraid.
I am free to be weak, even when I feel like I'm expected to be strong.
I am free to fail, even when I feel like I'm expected to be perfect.

When God looks at me, He sees His Son.
Not all the ways I fall short.
Not all my sin.
Not all of my idols,
but His perfect and blameless Son.
I am free to fail, because He didn't.
I am free to be weak, because He is strong.
I am free to find rest in the core truth that I am infinitely loved by the Creator of the world.
Jesus. Loves. ME.
Jesus LOVES me.
JESUS loves me.

0 comments :

Struggles & Self Hatred

Published on 8:51 PM By Aunica
0 comments
Brokenness. Vulnerability. Weakness.
Those may be the three words I loath the most in the english language.
I hate weakness.
I hate admitting I'm broken.
I hate realizing I can't do it on my own.
I hate being open about things I'm struggling with.
I'm much more comfortable putting on a mask.
The mask of seeming perfection.
The mask of perpetual happiness.
The mask that says "I'm always okay" "i like who I am" I'm not struggling."
The truth is that i hate myself.
There are days when I can't stand myself.
I don't like who I am.
I'm my hardest critic.
I struggle to thank God for creating me the way I am.
I get frustrated when I struggle and hate when I have idols.
I especially get upset when I backslide.
I want sanctification to be overnight.
I want to be perfect. I want to be happy. I want to focus on God all the time.
But I don't.
I fall short. I'm weak. I mess up.
I suck. I sin. I put things in front of God.
And it's frustrating. And often I hate myself for it.
I punish myself for sinning and pull away from God when I'm struggling.
How could He still love me when I'm running in the opposite direction?
How could He still desire me when I don't feel desired or desirable?
How could He ever want my company when I'm drenched in the filth of my sin?
I don't understand it.
It's easier for me to accept that God's upset with me for sinning and falling short than to accept that He loves me unconditionally.
Jesus loves me.
The three hardest words for me to accept.
Hard to accept than "you are ugly" or "you are hated" or "no one likes you."
I'm insecure.
I hate who I am.
I don't accept compliments.
I'm constantly trying to fix myself.
To be better.
To struggle less.
To look better.
To be thinner. Prettier. More artsy. More preppy. Funnier. Happier.
I desire so much so to be liked, not by others, but by myself - that it's exhausting.
I don't necessarily care what other people cares, but I care what I think of myself.
And I'm never satisfied.
I'm never skinny enough. I'm never pretty enough. I'm never outgoing enough.
There's always something wrong.
I'm never spiritual enough.
I struggle too much.
I can't balance things.
I'm too nerdy. I'm too shallow. I'm too fake.
It's easier for me to be fake with people than to be real.
I feel comfortable behind my mask.
It fits my face.
It gives me an aura of confidence. That I know who I am, and that I like that person.
It makes me feel powerful.
It makes me feel like I can help other people without them getting too close.
It's easy for me to hide behind a laugh or a smile, but my eyes often are doors to the pain below.
I like listening to other people's problems and trying to help them, but the minute they ask me how I'm doing - I shut down.
I hate burdening people, thus I hate talking about myself.
Seldom do I show my emotions.
Seldom do I show how I'm truly doing.
The masks makes it easy to fake a smile.
To pretend that I'm doing great.
I overcompensate when I'm struggling, frantically scrambling for an answer to why I'm struggling in the way I am or trying to find an answer to have supposed closure.
The reality is this:
I try to put a tiny piece of duct tape on a fountain of pain and unexpressed emotions.
It doesn't hold it in.
Just because I know the right answer or have a verse for it doesn't mean it's sunk in yet.
It's okay for me to not be okay.
It's okay to struggle.
Jesus loves me.
What? How? I don't understand.
It's crazy to me.
Even when I hate myself, Jesus still loves me.
And God isn't mad at me for struggling, for sucking, for sinning.
I was, and am, covered by the blood of Christ - so God sees Jesus' perfection, instead of my shortcomings.
Truth is sometimes hard to swallow.

0 comments :

Gospel Learnings

Published on 10:26 PM By Aunica
0 comments
FREEDOM.
came from a man
and a cross
and the wicked beauty that came 
from His immense suffering.
For because of His anguish,
bloodshed,
and death -
I am free to have joy,
health,
and life.
Praise be to the One who paid my debt. 
Because of this final sacrifice I am no longer filthy from my sin.
I no longer reek of my trespasses,
but instead I am clean and pure.
I have the sweet aroma of unexplainable forgiveness and the deepest depths of incredible mercy.
My sins are not only forgiven, but forgotten.
Never will I pay for my sins.
Never will I be too sinful.
The price was paid, once and for all.
I have been called out of darkness and into marvelous light.
Out of sin and into righteousness.
Away from Satan to God.
Out of slavery and into Inheritance as a child of God.
Out of death and into life.
I have been rescued.

0 comments :

Coffee Beans & Hummus

Published on 10:57 PM By Aunica
0 comments
It's official. I've grown up.
I process things differently than last year.
Instead of a raging sea of emotions, I'm filled with peace and comfort.
God taught me a lot through this summer.
I feel older and more mature.
Wisdom.
Grace.
Loving people vs legalism.
Exemplifying Christ through my actions.
Being a doer, not only a hearer of the word.
Relying completely on God for strength - and seeing the crazy ways He comes through.
The reality of spiritual warfare.
The gift of fellowship with Him.
Deeper worship.
A deeper understanding of God's glory.
I've grown in my passion for the gospel and my amazement at it's new found beauty each morning.
I love Jesus with every bone in my body. With every nerve in my system. With every breath in my lungs.
And now summer has started, and so does a new chapter.
A new time to grow.
To catch up with old friends.
To sleep. To laugh. To praise God in every moment.
God is good. He is holy. Sanctification is a slow and sometimes painful process, but I'm ready and waiting.
Sanctify me, Lord.
#imlettinggo

0 comments :

Subscribe to: Comments ( Atom )