Archive for March 2014

Ask & Receive {I Am Redeemed}

Published on 10:08 PM By Aunica
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"Ask, and you shall receive."

Last summer, I asked for healing.
I asked Yahweh to make me whole, to cleanse me, to make me more like Him. Ask, and you will receive. Little did I know the journey those requests would take me on.

Through this healing and refining process, I've experienced deeper pains than I knew were possible. The kind of pain that takes over - the type your body physically aches because your heart feels like it's going to burst from your chest from brokenness. Days where I didn't have the strength to smile. Many afternoons were spent reliving past hurts that hadn't been dealt with, sobbing on my rug, desperate for Yahweh but unable to feel His joy. I'm grateful that I had a light semester of classes.

Never have I experienced such a season of pain - of humility, weakness, brokenness. Never have I felt so lonely, scared, and exhausted. When I asked God to heal me, I didn't know I'd have to walk through the fire for months on end with no light in sight. I was ashamed of my struggling, but after weeks of trying to fight through it on my own, I learned to be vulnerable, honest, and humble. I was no longer able to rely on my own strength - I had none - I was forced to cling to Abba and to the support of those around me.

I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't see that ending anytime soon. For the first time I can remember, I was mad at God for letting these things happen to me. I was angry that it had effected me on such a deep level. I didn't understand. I was unable to worship, because many words didn't ring true. How could I understand God's goodness when I didn't feel like I was experiencing it? I never doubted His goodness, His love, and His faithfulness - but it was difficult for me to understand them. For 7 months, the cry of my heart was a constant mayday for HELP. Pleading with Yahweh to relieving me of my pain. Desperately asking for comfort and the end. But, also praying that above that else, He would be glorified. I understood that, for whatever reason, that meant this season of deep pain.

Eventually, I came to accept that this season of hurt was what I was dealt for the time being. I found comfort and solace in the arms of Abba. This wasn't always the case, there were weeks on end where I'd slip into my bitter cynicism. But, I never doubted that Yahweh was with me - walking next to me, holding me, and feeling with me. While there were times of human loneliness, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Yahweh was always with me.

So, here I am. 7 months later. Filled to the brim with gratitude and feeling like I've just finished running a marathon. To look back and see the work that Yahweh has done over the course of 7 months is astounding. Mind-boggling. Unbelievable. Relationships that I didn't foresee being healed in the near future, if ever, have been restored. Things I've been praying for since sophomore year of high school have been granted. On top of that, I've found my voice. I've gained a deeper understanding of who I am and where I fit through this process. I have my joy back. I'm glad to be alive. I'm eternally grateful to belong to Yahweh.

For 6 months I waited for the end, and by the 7th month, I had finally accepted my momentary fate. Yet, here I am. More whole than I ever imagined was possible. Relationships restored. Redeemed. Blessed. And, ever so aware of my Savior's deep love for me. And all of these things, so evidently in God's timing. I've still got a ways to go, after all - sanctification doesn't happen overnight. But for now, I'm deeply, deeply grateful for the great work Yahweh has done in me over the past 7 months. I've truly seen that He can take the ugliest pains, the deepest weakness, and the most broken - and make it something all together beautiful, strong, and whole.

I am redeemed. I am His.

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