After coming home from camp a couple days ago I've learned a few new things about myself.
A) I don't mind being alone. In fact, at the moment, my people energy is way low so when I am home I'm in my room.
B) Silence is oh so valuable. I find myself listening and taking in rather than talking. Maybe it's because there's so much going on inside my head that I don't really know what to do with it all? All I know is that silence is sweet.
C) Instead of talking to God, which I still do - don't worry, I listen. I sit in peaceful worshipful silence for hours. And you know what? I'm way content.
D) God is good. I am not. But somehow He still loves me.
E) I need to reconcile myself to the thought that God loves me. I've been struggling with that thought lately because I don't necessarily love myself, in fact a lot of the time I hardly like myself at all. But God made me for a purpose, and I need to accept that and find joy in the love of Christ.
F) I don't need to be busy or schedule. I'm perfectly happy with just sitting my room all afternoon talking and listening to God. Contentedness in Christ is a sweet, sweet thing.
G) I still love exercising. A lot. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I worked out yesterday and just grinned the whole time. Thanks God for muscles and kick boxing. It brings me great joy.
H) Sin is such an issue. I'm not sure why, but I'm just hyper aware of all the sins that I commit recently. And it makes me feel physically sick. The good news? God does forgive. Yes He does. Even though I just feel filthy with my sin, God wipes me clean with the blood of Christ. I am a new creation, the old is gone - the new has come.
I) My 18 year old brain has a lot more depth than it used to. I ponder things a lot more. I look at things in a new way. It's good?
J) I don't want to do things because other people expect me to do them or want me to do them anymore. The only master I have is God - and I'm tired of letting myself listen to anyone else. If I don't like it, and my motives are pure and right in my reasoning - I won't do it. I'm not going to make myself miserable just so that I can be "challenged" or because others expect it.
This has been, yet another mind rambling session with Aunica.
Once again, I hope you gleaned some sort of insight into the inner workings of my mind. If not, I'm not surprised. I don't think I even remotely begin to understand myself, so I'm not sure how anyone else would be able to.
The end.
To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
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