Uncategories Running

Running

Published on 4:26 PM By Aunica
1 comments
I realized today I'm a runner. Not in the sense that I go on a daily jog around the neighborhood, but in the sense that I fear commitment. When I get too close to God I get scared. Scared of being hurt, of being too close. Afraid of the trust it demands. So I throw my walls back up and take off into the hills, pushing him away as I sprint for the nearest exit. I don't know why. I don't like it. At least this time I realize what's going on so I can do whatever is possible to stop it. Fear is a sin. Boredom is a sin. And I am a sinner. I sit here afraid and bored out of my mind with no schedule to keep me going, but with hours to do with what I please. Instead of using them in a good way like writing the endless camper notes I KNOW are just waiting to be written or spending tons of time with God, I watch movies or just sit in my room blankly staring at my walls wondering what's wrong with me. When did I become so analytical? I'm not sure I really like it. When I prayed for wisdom, this wasn't what I expected. It isn't what I wanted at all. I would be so relieved to sink back into my peaceful oblivion. But God has opened my eyes to my sin problems and showed me they need to be fixed. How? I don't know, all I know is that there is no way I can do it on my own. I feel defeated each time I examine my idols and realize how much control they have on me. I can delude myself into thinking that I'm just doing it because I like to or because I'm bored, but each time I wake up later so I don't have to eat breakfast and waste those calories or work out late at night because I can't go a day without it, I'm fueling the fire and putting sacrifices on the altars in front of my body image and food idols.

It's like digging the hole deeper, only it's so deep I can't see out anymore. All I can see is the patch of blue sky at the top that's threatening to topple over on me at any given moment. Then I see a hand reaching out, and a voice saying "Oh Child, what have you gotten yourself into this time?" I stop seeing as the tears roll down my face at the realization of how much trouble I've gotten myself into. Years of subconscious sinning that has made the hole so deep. As the hand beckons to me and the voice speaks once again saying "take my hand, I'll do the rest" I know that He has it under control. The only thing I have to do is trust. And trust, my friends, is something I struggle with way more than I should.

Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he'll make your path straight.
Aunica

1 comment :

Subscribe to: Post Comments ( Atom )