Each morning I jump up
I run to the mirror
and stare into it
longing for the body
on the cover of a magazine
I run to the scale
and step on
impatiently waiting
for the number to appear.
Did I lose any weight?
Did I gain any muscle?
Do I look any different than the day before?
I sigh in disbelief at the unchanging and unwavering number.
Today I'll do something different.
I resign to eat healthier, less, and work out more.
But each day the result is the same.
After the realization dawned
this cycle was not a healthy one
I stopped it in its tracks
I stopped counting food choices
started eating healthier
because I want to, not because I feel like I should
but my body image idol stayed strong
threatening to take over my life
if I wasn't careful
the worst part?
It's subconscious.
I don't have to think about it
it just happens.
I don't want to wear these shackles on my wrists anymore
I don't want to be a slave to my body
but even if I make it through the day without working out
I cave in when my mind is less controlled
late night working out is my weakness
while exercise itself isn't a sin,
if it becomes an idol - it is.
And I've made it one.
Someday I'll overcome my addiction
to a perfect body, that may just be out of my grasp for eternity
and the fear that the minute I have children
I'll lose everything I've been working for
the fear that old age will take it all away
the fear of eating
the fear of gaining
the fear of losing control
but the good news is this:
I am not in control.
God is.
He knows what's good, He knows what's best.
He loves me, and I need to trust Him.
And I do, just not fully.
I'm giving my idols to Him.
For He has the strength I don't possess.
And He will use my weaknesses for His strength.
He is good and faithful.
Even when I'm an idolatrous sinner, He loves me and waits with open arms.
He is God, and I most definitely am not. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
He sees the puzzle, I see only one piece.
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