Fearless Surrender: Reflections/ Updated Testimony

A couple days ago I was staring at the box of stuff that represents the past 18 years of my life and thinking. What do I really have to show for my time so far on earth? What will people remember me for? Will I be remember for being tall? Funny? Smart? Interesting? Or will I be remembered for my insane love for Jesus? For my overflow of compassion? For my sympathy and understanding? For being a woman of prayer and for earnestly seeking after the will of God? I pray that somehow, it will be something from the latter group. I was looking back on my life and trying to pinpoint the moment I really began to truly believe in Christ. I prayed the prayer when I was five, more out of fear than anything, but at the time I had no idea what I was saying. I thought that after I had said those words, I was good to go. I had my ticket to heaven, and I could go on with my life. I didn't understand that it isn't just about believing. It's about following. It's not about going through life like everyone else. Fitting in. Being just another face in the crowd. It's about really making a mark for Christ and being different. Earth is not our home. If people who don't know you can't tell you're a Christian, you should be concerned. They should be able to look at you and tell from your actions or listen to your words and know that you are different. They should be able to see Christ through you. As a 5 year old? I definitely didn't understand that. Not in the least. I ended up going through life not caring a whit about God. I had my ticket, that's all I needed from Him. Nice doing business with you. I'll read my bible when I'm older and not waste my time now. Those were definitely thoughts that crossed my mind when I was younger. I was a naive home schooler until halfway through 5th grade when I was thrust into the public school system, much to my chagrin. I was not pleased, and in all honesty I hated it. They kids weren't nice. The homework wasn't challenging. And all I really wanted to do was be at home so I could read. 6th grade brought a year of sweatshirts, huge hoop earrings, and large reading material. I read little women in a week, Eragon in a couple days, and was constantly looking for bigger and more challenging things to read. I was also a pathological lier. I lied to my parents constantly about the stupidest things. "Did you put that doll where it goes?" "Yes." When really I had just thrown it on a shelf. From the time I was 10-11 I slept in my parents room in a sleeping bag. I was deeply afraid of the dark - more specifically to be alone in the dark. I was scared to death of Satan, and he had a huge grip on me at that point through my lying. One night my parents decided they were tired of me sleeping in their room and told me I'd just have to try sleeping in my room for one night. Finally after hours of crying, in a last resort I reached out to God. Instantly my fear was gone. In 7th grade I started my search. I had come to the realization that I was missing something, and I wanted whatever it was. I tried being popular - wearing the right clothes, being nice to the right people, and acting a certain way. But it didn't fill the gap in my heart. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I went to counseling, and all I wanted to do was be normal. In 8th grade I searched through friends. I tried to find a friend group that would satisfy my emptiness. But much to my dismay - I was once again left feeling empty and alone. In 9th grade I turned to swearing. I felt that if I used the right (or the wrong) grammar, I would fit in. But once again, I was left feeling empty and alone. The summer after freshman year I went to Hidden Acres for two weeks instead of one. I had gone ever since I was in the 3rd grade, so it wasn't anything new except it was for a longer period of time. I had a counselor who honestly loved God with all of her heart, and she just radiated Christ in a way that I had never seen before in my life. I'd gone to church every Sunday since birth, but I had no idea what it meant to truly love the Lord. Throughout the two weeks we were there she was just so encouraging, and I left with a renewed hope that I knew what I was missing. Sadly, after a couple weeks I slid back in to everyday routine. This year, Sophomore year, was the year of boys. I didn't do anything bad but I just texted them a lot more than I should have and dwelled on it more than I should have. It was a distraction and became my whole focus of that year. I applied and got accepted to Junior Counsel at camp that summer, and I was ecstatic. However, I had a limited knowledge of the bible from not having opened it myself very often. I can honestly say my spiritual stability was pretty low, and my patience levels were low as well. I was a grade A counselor. A for awful. I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow through the grace of God I made it through. After that summer I think that's when it actually clicked. That God was something more than just someone we learned about on Sundays and Wednesdays. Church doesn't define God, because in all honesty sometimes church is boring - and God is anything but that. Junior year was better. I started doing daily devotions and my faith became my own. It was at that point that it all clicked. I counseled again at Hidden Acres that next summer as a JC, and while I can't say I was the best JC there was, I was significantly better than the year before. Junior year brought about trials of its own, though. Friend issues started, and I just felt alone a lot of the time. I turned to God some of the time, but I could have definitely done that more often. In a high school as big as the one I went to, you were labelled and known by what activities you were involved in. For me that was showchoir. I had been in showchoir ever since the 8th grade, so for most people being in the varsity showchoir for your senior year was the regular step and the year to end all years of an awesome time. But throughout junior year I had felt God tugging on my heart. Because I was in showchoir, I was comfortable. And because I was comfortable, I wasn't reaching out. I had heard numerous speakers talk about their regrets for not reaching out in high school and how much of a mission field it is. So instead of doing choir and showchoir yet again, I dropped them and took up art classes that went along with my major. I'm not saying that I took every opportunity I could have to make an impact for Christ. There were days where I just didn't want to, even when I knew God was telling me He wanted to. But at the same time I did most of the time, and I'm grateful for the opportunities God gave me. But senior year came with its own challenges. My body image idol reared its ugly head when during the first month of school I tackled the harry potter book series & the snack cabinet. I had always been in volleyball & showchoir in the past, so food wasn't a worry of mine whatsoever. In fact - I prided myself on the fact that I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. But after a summer at camp with high calorie food and high quantities - that didn't die down as senior year came, and I gained 10 lbs. I lost confidence in myself. I stopped growing in my relationship with Christ as food and exercise became the main focus of my life. Before I'd eat anything I'd look up how many calories were in it and decide how much of it I could eat. I'd kickbox every night, and each morning I'd step on the scale and hope that I'd dropped a couple 1/10ths of a lb. If I did? I felt better about myself. I was more outgoing that day. I allowed myself a small treat - a couple M&Ms, time to relax, or a less intense workout. If I gained even a teensy, teensy bit? I'd freak out. I'd confine my food intake the next day in hopes that I would do better the next time. Senior Year. Yeah, I read my bible every night. Yes I thought I was learning, but it was like in video games when your character is running up against a wall. Sure, I thought I was going somewhere. My legs were moving! But there was a wall in front of it that I'd built up so high that there was no way I could even come close to seeing over the top. So there I was. It was May. I had graduated. And I had finally seen what I had been doing all year. I cried. I prayed. And God is faithful. This summer I counseled yet again at camp - this time with a different focus in the past. First summer I was focused on myself and making friends. Second summer I was focused on campers and making them like me. But this summer? This summer was about God. This summer was about trying to serve others. To pour into my JCs. To grow. To be challenged. This summer I prayed that God would use it to grow me, and man did He ever. My desire for the Lord cannot be satiated. It's a constant need that never fully goes away. I'm recognizing how supremely weak I am, and how incredibly strong He is. My prayer for college is that He will continue to grow and challenge me in insane ways. My prayer is that God will take my life and mold it to His will and use my weaknesses for His strength. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. -- Galatians 2:20

Fearless Surrender

Reflections/ Updated Testimony

Aunica

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