A) I'm weak. So, so weak. And God is strong. Jesus loves me, this I know. But do I honestly believe that and accept it? Believe it? Yes. Accept it? Not really. I'm working on accepting the fact that even though I am in no way worthy of God's love, that He loves me anyways. And that I need to accept that or risk rejecting the glory of God.
B) God can use my weaknesses for His strength. Somehow, I'm not sure how he's going to use my body image consciousness but I know that He will. He is God, and I am not. He knows what's best. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
C) He has a plan. My mom's "2nd dad" as a child died last week and one of my best friends got diagnosed with cancer. It's been a hard week to say the least. Cancer. It isn't something that happens to your friends. It happens to other people. Older people. But not this time. This time one of my dearest friends has Hodgkins Lymphoma. What's that you might ask? Cancer of the lymph nodes. She starts chemo on Monday. She'll lose all her hair for senior year. Why? Why her? Why now? These are all questions that run through my head constantly, but I know that God has a plan and that He is in control. He is good.
D) I need to let God have control. With my friend. With my worries for college. With my anxiety. With my life.
E) God is faithful as usual, I don't understand it and honestly? I don't think I ever will. But He is there. And I am oh, so grateful.
F) I'm reading the book "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. It's good. Super good. John Piper describes Habakkuk 3:17-18 as follows: "In other words, when all the supports of human life and earthly happiness are taken away, God will be our delight, our joy."
G) I am thankful. For God. For life. For His patience.
H) I'm still super emotionally drained from camp. I pray that God will restore my Spirit and fill me with emotions again. I can't cry. I can't feel anything. I just feel platatonic. Excitement for college, that's about all I really feel. I don't desire food. I don't desire God. I don't desire working out. I don't desire sleep. In reality? I don't desire anything right now. But I'm not necessarily content either? I'm just kind of stuck. Counting down the days until college when I have a schedule again and something new. I'm stuck between high school and college. Stuck knowing I don't necessarily belong here anymore, or at this point - I don't belong anywhere. This isn't really my home anymore, but do I have an earthly home right now? Not really. I'm guessing college will take that place. The day I move out of my house is the day my sister moves into my room. So I've been boxing up and throwing out all the things in my room.
I) All of my stuff from the past 18 years that has some significance fits in one large plastic tub. That's all I have to account for as far as material goods go. 18 years, and it fits in one box. I guess that's like our lives in some ways. Here one day, gone tomorrow. We're like the mist. We're dust. We're only a vapor in the wind. Our lives are short - what are you doing with your life? Don't waste it. Because really? What do we matter? I think the only part of our lives that really matters is the impact we make for Christ. If you were to die today what would people remember you for? Being funny? Being tall? Or being a servant of Christ? Being an encouragement? Helping them in their walk? Being a good example? Living out your faith? I hope that at my funeral people don't cry, but that it's a joyful occasion to know that I'll finally be where I belong. Home. With Jesus. That people will look at my life and know that I lived it to the best of my ability for Christ. Like it says in Philippians, to live is Christ to die is gain. That doesn't mean we should all commit suicide, because God put us here for a reason and we should use our time on earth to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.
J) I'll leave you with my favorite verse right now.
Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.Who are you living for? The approval of people or of God?
