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Why I No Longer Write Letters to my Future Husband

If you've grown up in the church, it's more than likely you've gone to one of those weekend long women's retreats, heard a beauty/dating seminar, or had a girl talk in youth group or bible study. And, if that is true, you've probably met the plethora of women who write letters loyally to their future husband.

I used to be one of those women. I remember tear filled nights of loneliness, bitterly scrawling on some notebook paper. Some notes were filled with earnest love and prayer for his life as he surely encounters all of the dangers and heartache that come with our time on earth. Others were filled with telling him about my life at the time, trying to prove that I'm cool or funny or popular. Some were filled with questions - what's taking you so long? Where are you? Haven't I waited long enough? But, those seldom made it in the box that I'd give him someday.

Lately, God's been changing my heart towards these things I used to think were required of christian women. "Waiting." The letter writing. Etc.
I'm not 'waiting' for my future husband. I'm not sitting around wasting my life until he gets here. And while I learned that a few months ago (http://aunicabuseman.blogspot.com/2013/05/im-not-waiting-for-my-future-husband.html) , and continue to learn that day by day, my Abba continues to reveal to me other ways that indicate that I'm not living my life in the moment.

By writing letters, it caused me to focus not on the day by day, but on the future. Longing for married days. Longing to meet my best friend. Longing to be cared for. Cherished. Loved. Writing letters to my future husband, while it's a nice idea, has caused me to struggle to focus on what God's doing now. Writing letters has caused me to be discontent with the blessings Yahweh is giving me now.


Instead of pursuing the idea of a husband, pursue your relationship with Christ. Channel that energy and time into your time with your sweet Jesus. Seek Christ. Above all else. Write letters to your Abba. Spend time pouring your heart out to Yahweh. Find rest in His presence.

So, I challenge you. While writing letters to your future husband is in no way an inherently bad thing, is it causing you to be discontent? Is it causing you to be distracted? Are you fully able to be grateful for the sweet blessings Abba is giving you in the now? Are you able to live your life in the moment?

{{This all being said, I do not in any way, shape, or form think that writing to your future husband is inherently bad. I am not telling you to stop if it isn't distracting. I am simply challenging you to examine your motives and make sure it isn't causing your heart to become discontent in the presence of our sweet Jesus.}}

{This blog post is in no way meant to offend. I'd love to talk about it if you have any questions.}

All Other Ground is Sinking Sand

Create in me a clean heart, O God, 
and renew a right spirit within me. 
Psalm 51:10

Even though I moved back into my dorm over a week ago, I continue to process things my Abba taught me this summer.

I've never been more aware of the urgency of the gospel. I've never felt the burden I have for those around me who don't have a grasp on it's sweetness. If we truly understand even a teensy bit who our Abba is, how can we not be transformed? If we have any form of grasp on what our sweet Jesus did for us, how can we not bear fruit and start to look like Him? My heart bleeds for the thousands of people who go to church and go through the "Christian" motions, but have no true grasp on who Jesus really is. The gospel is life changing. We. Will. Look. Different.
Each morning I pray that Yahweh would work. I pray that He would teach me. I pray that He would give me words, and reveal words to me. Today, my heart's prayer was the passage in Psalm 51:10 that i quoted at the beginning. Create in me a clean heart, Abba. Give me understanding.

My soul is at rest. Praise God for the rest that can be found solely in His presence. Praise Him for His infinite comfort. We have a God that listens. We have a sweet Abba that cares deeply for His children.

Reflections & Lessons {Summer 2013}

Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired. Maybe it's all the moody music. Maybe it can be attributed to spending the majority of my summer with a thinker. Whatever the reason, I've been spending a lot of time processing and reflecting this summer. It's been weird to delve into my soul and end up somewhere foreign, realizing I'm a way different person now than I was a few months ago.

I'm not sure if these differences are permanent or just a reaction to my job this summer.
- My soul feels peaceful and at rest. There used to be days when I'd feel some form of manic, allowing stress to control me - running around like crazy and feeling overwhelmed to the point of tears - but no longer. I'm a lot less hyper. I feel older. My soul feels heavier. I feel a constant sense of peace that can solely be attributed to the Spirit working. I'm comfortable. I'm calm. I'm real. Even when things are crazy, I don't feel stressed - I feel the calm and peace that can only come from a deeper understanding of and communion with the Father.

- I think a lot more. I process things as I encounter them instead of pushing them down to deal with later. I'm pretty sure this change is a healthy one, it's just weird. I'm more apt to ask myself how I'm feeling in the moment instead of waiting for weeks to pass without realizing that I'm not doing well or that a situation affected me in a certain way. I guess you could say I'm becoming more in tune with my feelings.

- This summer I learned to be myself. I learned the beauty of being feminine. The rest that comes from being comfortable and cared for. I learned to be meek. I learned to allow myself to be weak. I don't have to be strong. I don't have to have all the answers. I can be quiet if I don't have anything to say. I can fade into the background if I want to. I don't have to be loud. I don't have to fill the silence. I'm a lot less apt to use a loud voice. I'm a lot less apt to speak without thinking it through.

- I'm more okay with being alone now. Before this summer I almost feared being alone. I feared going places alone. But, after a summer without campers, I've learned to be comfortable with going places by myself. It's weird to be okay with anonymity. It's weird to think about posting things on twitter, facebook, or instagram - but stopping, and finding rest in the fact that people don't know all the things I do. I'm finding peace with not constantly telling people about my life. I'm content and comfortable with who I am, so I no longer feel the need to prove to people that I'm hip, cool, or whatever else.

- I still love my sweet Jesus more than anything. He becomes sweeter to me daily, to the point where I can't imagine loving Him more. Maybe i won't love him more, just deeper? I have a lifetime to find out. Praise Him for His providence. Praise Him for growing me and challenging me. Praise Him for working in my heart and making me new.

I'm eternally grateful.

I'm Convinced

I'm convinced.

I'm convinced that God reveals himself to us in new ways in all circumstances. I'm convinced that He uses all things to bring himself glory.

Hard times? We learn of His faithfulness. We learn of His comfort. We learn that He is our foundation. We learn that He is unchanging.

Feeling far away? We learn of His patience. We learn of His kindness. We learn of His unconditional love.

Good times? His joy. His ability to provide. His goodness.

Creation? His majesty. His magnificence. His creativity.

Sick? He's our healer. He's our comfort.

Tired? He gives us energy and strength. When we are weak, He is strong.

Sorrow? Our God is a God who understands. He's been there.

Lonely? Jesus experienced the depths of loneliness. At His darkest hour, his closest friends fell asleep.

I'm convinced that, no matter what the circumstances, all things point to my Creator.

Dear Men (Part 2)

[Note: the sterotypes referenced in this post are stereotypes and are not actually a reflection of what I think all men are like]
Dear Men,
I want to do a few things with this post. First I want to encourage you, second I want to challenge you, and finally I want to point you to the cross.

First of all, for those of you men that are earnestly seeking Christ - thank-you. As a woman who daily seeks the Lord, I appreciate you on so many levels. Thank-you for caring for your sisters in Christ. Thank-you for being real men. Thank-you for seeking God. Thank-you for being honorable. Thank-you for fighting for purity. Thank-you for respecting us as women.

What does it mean to be a real man? Being a real man doesn't mean you can lift 300 lbs. Being a real man doesn't mean you can grunt as loud as a bull. Being a real man doesn't mean you can burp for 3 minute straight. Being a real man doesn't mean you can eat 30 wings without taking a breath. Being a real man is something more. True masculinity is found in the cross. I'm more impressed by a man that seeks God, that prays, that is willing to be vulnerable, that isn't afraid to admit that He's wrong, that leads without being a dictator, that allows me to be feminine, that points me to Christ, that is confident in who Christ has made him to be, who doesn't try to be someone else, who loves unconditionally, who knows when to listen and when to fix things, who desires to know me as a woman instead of an object, who serves others with joy, who pursues purity and honor; a real man is a man who seeks Christ above all things. A real man isn't afraid to be the man God has created Him to be. A real man seeks to use the gifts God has given Him instead of striving to fit a mold society has made. A real man encourages others to use the gifts God has given. A real man leads in a way that allows others to flourish.

Please, please be intentional. Act with integrity. A woman should never wonder about your intentions or feelings. Be careful with how you interact with women. Watch what you say. If you want to stay friends, be clear about that. If you want to pursue her, do it. None of this half hearted wondering stuff - not okay. Seek God. Lead. Be intentional.

Men. Seek Christ. I'm way more attracted to a man who's himself than a man that tries to fit into society's mold. Praise God for who he's made you to be. Find rest in who you are in Christ. Don't try to be someone you aren't.

C) Ask God to reveal the gifts He's given you. (1 Corinthians 12)
Ephesians 5. Enough said.
Thank-you. For caring. For seeking. For desiring integrity. For fighting sin's temptations.
Believe me when I say I pray for my brothers in Christ. Thank-you for all that you do. I appreciate it on so many levels. I say all of these things in hopes that I can encourage you to seek God and seek to be the man He's created you to be. I pray that this provides rest for your soul as you find joy in the process of figuring out your gifts and abilities. Praise God that He's created us each with a purpose.

Transparency & Answered Prayers

This summer has been a whirlwind. I've had some pretty dark days, when I wasn't sure things could get worse, and some days that were so filled with joy I thought I would burst.

Fear has always been something that's controlled me. Daily I come before the Lord and confess new found fears that influence me in my decisions. One particular fear I've struggled with this summer is the fear that, due to some past circumstances, I'll never be able to allow a man to love me - that because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved, I'll choose to be with someone who makes me unhappy. Believe me when I say I came before the Lord and pleaded with Him on many occasions to change my heart. To reveal to me His plan for me. To realign my sense of worth.
After a while, things got busy, and I forgot about it. This morning I was asking God to show me lessons He taught me or ways that He worked in me that I otherwise overlooked in the moment. Wow. Can we just talk about how awesome our God is? And how powerful? And how breathtaking? He provided people in my life this summer to show me love and to give me a glimpse of what marriage will be like. He showed me what it feels like to have someone you can trust no matter what. Someone you can find comfort in. Someone you can be completely real with. God gave me a glimpse of the goodness He has in store for the future. He calmed my fears, but told me to wait. It's not time yet. Praise God for His ability to speak into my heart in ways I could never have imagined possible.
I could never have imagined how God would work. To protect my heart, but reveal His purpose simultaneously. Praise Him. He provides for His children. Words can't even describe the depths of my gratitude. 

Singleness is a gift. Praise God for this season of learning, growing, and joy.

Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

Daily I ask God to provide joy. To remind me where my foundation lies. To reveal to me His purpose and providence.  Praise God for His ability to speak into even the deepest parts of my heart. I could never have imagined the depths of a relationship with a relational God. He cares for me, deeply, and I in turn care for Him with every fiber of who I am. Praise Him for His patience when I am stubborn. Praise Him for His affection. Praise Him for His infinite power and ability to speak into all circumstances and situations.

Praise Him

To say that this summer has gone by quickly would be the understatement of a lifetime. One week left of camp, then I'm home. Here's a recap of some of the things I've been learning:

We don't serve a God who doesn't care. We don't serve a God who doesn't understand.
Lonely? He's been there. His closest friends fell asleep in His deepest time of need. [26:36-46]
Rejected? He's been there. He was beaten, spit on, and cruxified. [Matthew 27:27-31]
Hebrews 4:14-16: "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
I've learned to cling to the cross in ways I could never have imagined possible. There were times this summer when I wasn't sure how I'd make it to the next day. Days where I couldn't understand why. Weeks of deep, aching pain that never left. Those were the days I learned to cling to my sweet Jesus. Those were the days I learned what it truly meant to make Christ my foundation. When everything else fell around me, when all the things I had previously found solace in failed, I learned to cling to Christ with more fervor than I knew to be possible. When my heart was breaking, and I didn't even have the strength to cry, I learned to cling to Him. I came to realize that I really, truly can't do it on my own. I needed my Hope. I needed my Strength. I needed my Jesus with a new found desperation that I pray for daily. Christ brought sweetness to what otherwise would have been some of my darkest days in a long time. Through those weeks, my identity was tested - would I choose to crumble under the weight of all the pressure, or would I stay calm in the knowledge that my identity is found in Christ, and not in circumstances? Through those weeks, I experienced joy in ways I couldn't have known to be possible otherwise. Even when I was sad, broken, and all the fears I'd ever experienced were coming into realization, I experienced joy through hardship.  I was refined through the fire. I found a thirst for Christ deep in my soul that couldn't be quenched. Praise God for His ability to work even through the hardest of situations.

I've learned the sweetness of communion with Jesus. The beauty in time with my Lord. I've learned to find my rest in His presence. I've learned the importance of taking time away from the craziness of life to sit with Him. I've learned to pray from my heart, and ask for big things. I've learned gratitude I could never have imagined. I've learned to breathe deeply in the presence of the Lord. I wouldn't trade my intimacy with Christ for anything.

Along that note, praise God for seasons when I get to focus on Him. Praise Him for renewing my mind. I am a new creation. He reminds me of that daily. I used to view singleness as a burden and a punishment, but it's neither of those things. When else will I be able to focus solely on my sweet Jesus? Praise Him for the gift of singleness and the beauty of this season of life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

God's given me a deeper understanding of the gospel. I used to come before the throne with the mindset that since I'd done so many good works for God, I deserved to be blessed. Now it's because He's blessed me that I desire to do good works. Praise Him for His ability to redeem. I can't even put into words some of the things He's taught me about the gospel. Praise Him for this season when I can see the changes He's making in my heart. I can feel His peace and rest.

Not sure that was all that articulate. Feel free to ask me how God's been working, I love talking about my sweet Jesus!

I'm Not Waiting For my Future Husband

 As a woman who strives to honor and seek after Christ, this statement may come as a shock to you. I'm not waiting for my future husband. Now before you get your undies in a wad, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about time.
Ladies, I love that you're protecting your hearts. I am too, but along the way we've reached a point where we believe that we deserve to be blessed. We've ended up putting our future husbands on a pedestal, expecting them to meet our criteria - to laugh at our jokes, to listen to us talk for hours, to watch all the sappy romance movies and hold us while we cry, and so on and so forth. We so easily compile lists of things we want in our husbands. Now I'm not saying that's bad, by no means - there are definitely things that I desire in a husband that are extremely important, but I think when we start to make lists that are hundreds of qualities long we've strayed from the original idea. We're setting a standard of perfection. We assume that since we've been faithful in our waiting, God will give us exactly what we want. A perfect prince charming. But women, men are human too - we're all fallen. We fall short of the glory of God on a daily, if not hourly, basis. So women, please be careful when you're making your lists. Seek God. By coming into relationships with these expectations of deserving perfection, we're sabotaging them early on - no man can fulfill the deep desire you have to be cherished. No man can fill the place in your heart that aches to be loved deeply. If you seek a mortal man to fill that void, you're only going to come out of that relationship brokenhearted and cynical. As much as I'll love my husband someday if I get married, He's going to fail me. Many times. Because we're human, and we fall short.
Waiting. My issue is with the wording. I'm not waiting. Waiting implies that I'm not living my life to the fullest in this moment. Waiting is assuming that since we're seeking God now, we'll deserve to be rewarded down the road. Waiting. I'm not waiting. I'm living. I don't want my husband to wait, either. I want Him to glorify God, but I want Him to live. I don't want him to waste the time he's been given right now waiting for me. How can I be fully focused on glorifying and praising my Creator if my eyes are fixed inwardly on my own seeming "persecution" for being single at this moment instead of on His glory? Ladies. Singleness is a gift. If there's anything I've learned this year, it's that. I am joyful and glad to be single in this season. I'm not saying my desire to get married is any less. I'm not saying I don't still struggle with longing to be cherished by a man from time to time, but the times I've gotten to spend with my sweet Jesus, unabashedly basking in His glory - I wouldn't trade them for prince charming himself. This a season that you can seek God with all that you have.
God doesn't call us to wait. He doesn't want us to be counting down the days until we'll meet our husbands. Our God is a jealous God, give Him your attention. Allow Him to cherish you. As much as I'd love to say that someday I'll meet a guy that will "complete me", I'm not sure that's true. I'm a broken person. He'll be a broken person. I'm not sure that two broken pieces always make a whole. Most likely, we won't be broken in the same ways. The only way to find true wholeness is through Christ. HE completes me. By putting my life on pause until I get married, I'm wasting the precious time God has given me right now. God is more than enough. THIS is eternal life - to know Jesus Christ. Not "my life will actually start when I get married".
Women. Please be careful. Guard your hearts. Don't chase men. Don't pine for the future. Live in the season God has placed you in right now. By living with our eyes focused on our potential future marriages we're sabotaging our time right now. We're missing out on the blessings God is giving us in these moments when we've got our eyes on what we think we deserve. I don't know about you, but I don't deserve anything.
My challenge is this: instead of "waiting" live. Seek Christ. Cherish Him. Enjoy this season of life. Maybe you'll get married, maybe you won't - but don't let that be the end of the world. Find your identity in Him, not in your future spouse. Put on your armor. Fight for your joy.

Seeking & Wrestling

Do you ever have those times when you miss past seasons in your walk with Christ?
Man. If I could go back for a few hours to the season I was in last year.
Sitting in my window seat, looking outside, seeking God's wisdom and losing myself in His infinite glory. Dancing in the field as the sun rose. Breakfast dates with Jesus outside, getting lost in His magnificent creation. It's not that I don't still do these things, He's just teaching me different things. There's a tinge of sadness that accompanies me. A deeper understanding of the pain that comes from this world. A realization that this world is not my home. A constant thirst for my Savior's return. ((John 16:22 --> So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.))
I love my time with my Jesus, but sometimes I long for past seasons of joy and naivety.
Right now, I'm wrestling with God. Seeking His wisdom and heart in situations. In things that I'm not sure about. Areas where I don't have all the answers. It's easy for me, being surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ, to assume that I agree with everything others think without seeking God's heart myself. Maybe I don't agree. Maybe I'm not sure. Maybe God's heart is somewhere else? So, I'm seeking. And wrestling. Asking God for help to separate my earthly ideas with His heart for His children. Lord, reveal Your heart to me.
So I seek. I plead. I trust.
Right now, I'm learning to trust God. Above all else. In situations where I feel discouraged or like I'm losing control, to step aside and hand God the reigns. Freedom.
I'm ready for summer. For more time to seek. For more time to learn and grow.
I'm grateful. For God's mercy. For His providence. For His strength. I'm so blessed by my sweet Jesus, as He shows me that He cherishes me. I'm overwhelmed by His unconditional love and ability to speak into all situations. When you listen, He speaks. I'm learning to rest and be still in His presence. What a beautiful lesson.
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