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Running

I realized today I'm a runner. Not in the sense that I go on a daily jog around the neighborhood, but in the sense that I fear commitment. When I get too close to God I get scared. Scared of being hurt, of being too close. Afraid of the trust it demands. So I throw my walls back up and take off into the hills, pushing him away as I sprint for the nearest exit. I don't know why. I don't like it. At least this time I realize what's going on so I can do whatever is possible to stop it. Fear is a sin. Boredom is a sin. And I am a sinner. I sit here afraid and bored out of my mind with no schedule to keep me going, but with hours to do with what I please. Instead of using them in a good way like writing the endless camper notes I KNOW are just waiting to be written or spending tons of time with God, I watch movies or just sit in my room blankly staring at my walls wondering what's wrong with me. When did I become so analytical? I'm not sure I really like it. When I prayed for wisdom, this wasn't what I expected. It isn't what I wanted at all. I would be so relieved to sink back into my peaceful oblivion. But God has opened my eyes to my sin problems and showed me they need to be fixed. How? I don't know, all I know is that there is no way I can do it on my own. I feel defeated each time I examine my idols and realize how much control they have on me. I can delude myself into thinking that I'm just doing it because I like to or because I'm bored, but each time I wake up later so I don't have to eat breakfast and waste those calories or work out late at night because I can't go a day without it, I'm fueling the fire and putting sacrifices on the altars in front of my body image and food idols.

It's like digging the hole deeper, only it's so deep I can't see out anymore. All I can see is the patch of blue sky at the top that's threatening to topple over on me at any given moment. Then I see a hand reaching out, and a voice saying "Oh Child, what have you gotten yourself into this time?" I stop seeing as the tears roll down my face at the realization of how much trouble I've gotten myself into. Years of subconscious sinning that has made the hole so deep. As the hand beckons to me and the voice speaks once again saying "take my hand, I'll do the rest" I know that He has it under control. The only thing I have to do is trust. And trust, my friends, is something I struggle with way more than I should.

Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he'll make your path straight.

Sunrises

I was contemplation today whether I like sunrises or sunsets better. I came to the conclusion that sunsets mark the end. The end of the day, the end of the suns light for the next few hours, the end of brightness and outdoor hours. Whereas sunrises are the opposite. Each sunrise marks the start of a new day, a new chance to make a change, new opportunities. Sunrises are the promise that no matter how many times you messed up before the sunset the day before, you have a chance to make up for it. To try again. Just random thoughts running through my head.

My Idols

Each morning I jump up
I run to the mirror
and stare into it
longing for the body
on the cover of a magazine
I run to the scale
and step on
impatiently waiting
for the number to appear.
Did I lose any weight?
Did I gain any muscle?
Do I look any different than the day before?
I sigh in disbelief at the unchanging and unwavering number.
Today I'll do something different.
I resign to eat healthier, less, and work out more.
But each day the result is the same.
After the realization dawned
this cycle was not a healthy one
I stopped it in its tracks
I stopped counting food choices
started eating healthier
because I want to, not because I feel like I should
but my body image idol stayed strong
threatening to take over my life
if I wasn't careful
the worst part?
It's subconscious.
I don't have to think about it
it just happens.
I don't want to wear these shackles on my wrists anymore
I don't want to be a slave to my body
but even if I make it through the day without working out
I cave in when my mind is less controlled
late night working out is my weakness
while exercise itself isn't a sin,
if it becomes an idol - it is.
And I've made it one.
Someday I'll overcome my addiction
to a perfect body, that may just be out of my grasp for eternity
and the fear that the minute I have children
I'll lose everything I've been working for
the fear that old age will take it all away
the fear of eating
the fear of gaining
the fear of losing control
but the good news is this:
I am not in control.
God is.
He knows what's good, He knows what's best.
He loves me, and I need to trust Him.
And I do, just not fully.
I'm giving my idols to Him.
For He has the strength I don't possess.
And He will use my weaknesses for His strength.
He is good and faithful.
Even when I'm an idolatrous sinner, He loves me and waits with open arms.
He is God, and I most definitely am not. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
He sees the puzzle, I see only one piece.

Endorphins

I had done it
A sick grin forms on my face.
I had just pushed myself
to the end of the race

As the sweat drips off my face
and onto the floor
I wondered if I had
energy any more

to even walk out the door
out to the shower
what time was it anyways?
Is anyone up at this hour?

Endorphins made it all worthwhile
all the pain and sweat
but I'd do it all again
on that I would bet

equivalent to 7 miles running
was what I had achieved

a couple months earlier
I had thought it out of my league

but here I sat, triumphant
unable to peel myself off the ground
unable to scream in happiness
or even to make a sound

I had done it
I had kick boxed for an hour
then the stench hit me
it was time for a shower.

Glory Be to God

A) Jesus loves me. Even when I mess up, He loves me. I in turn should accept myself as a child of God and find joy in my Savior. (John 3:16) (1 John 4:10)

B) I am a sinner. No doubt. (Romans 3:23) (Romans 6:23) (John 8:34)

C) Jesus came and died a painful death, that I might have eternal life in heaven with Him. He loves me so much that He died for me. He died, then he rose again on the 3rd day. (Romans 5:8) (Romans 5:6) (Romans 8:34)

D) I still sin, but I am no longer a sinner. Christ's blood covers my sins and takes them away. I am forgiven. (Isaiah 53:5) (John 8:36)

E) I should live life with full abandon - as I am a pure child of God - blameless and without sin in His eyes. (1 John 3:3) (Phillipians 2:15)

F) I will sin, but I am forgiven. God will use my weaknesses for His strength. This does not, however, give me free license to sin - if I am truly a Christian I shouldn't desire to sin any longer. Sin has lost it's grip on me. (1 John 1:9) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (Romans 6:1-2)

Romans 6:1-2 --
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

1 John 4:14--
We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. 

Acts 20:24 --
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Fairytale Ending Gone Wrong

A prince.
A princess.
A far away place.

A scream.
She runs.
With an open can of mace.

He's hurt.
At his lost dreams.
He cries.

All he had ever wanted.
Slipping away.
Right before his eyes.

He should have asked.
Should have talked to her before.
Asking her for her hand.

So that somehow.
Somewhere.
She would understand.

He wasn't just any prince.
He was hers.
Till death do us part.

And all of that jazz.
He wanted her hand in marriage.
And then her heart.

But she had run.
Kicking and screaming.
From what was destined to be.

Afraid of commitment.
The fear of what was to come.
Of what she couldn't see.

She was running from a future.
Of possible happiness.
From joy.

Running from a future.
That may be terrible.
From an unknown boy.

But little did he know.
That day she yelped and flew.
He had planted a seed of doubt.

In her flawless plan.
To never love.
But she took a different route.

He had left her wondering.
Thinking to herself.
If he had been right all along.

If she had thought wrong.
Or instead of being alone all the time,
there were two parts to her song?

Contentedness

Content. I am content.
In Christ. In life. In the unknown.
In trusting that God knows, and that I don't. He is in control.
In singleness. In the freedom it brings to live and grow with full abandon in my relationship with Christ.
In the fact that I can fully surrender myself to Christ without anyone getting in my way.
In giving God my struggles.
In seeing God answer my prayers in crazy ways.
In the goodness and holiness of God.
In my love for my Savior.
He is good.

The Value of Silence

After coming home from camp a couple days ago I've learned a few new things about myself.
A) I don't mind being alone. In fact, at the moment, my people energy is way low so when I am home I'm in my room.
B) Silence is oh so valuable. I find myself listening and taking in rather than talking. Maybe it's because there's so much going on inside my head that I don't really know what to do with it all? All I know is that silence is sweet.
C) Instead of talking to God, which I still do - don't worry, I listen. I sit in peaceful worshipful silence for hours. And you know what? I'm way content.
D) God is good. I am not. But somehow He still loves me.
E) I need to reconcile myself to the thought that God loves me. I've been struggling with that thought lately because I don't necessarily love myself, in fact a lot of the time I hardly like myself at all. But God made me for a purpose, and I need to accept that and find joy in the love of Christ.
F) I don't need to be busy or schedule. I'm perfectly happy with just sitting my room all afternoon talking and listening to God. Contentedness in Christ is a sweet, sweet thing.
G) I still love exercising. A lot. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I worked out yesterday and just grinned the whole time. Thanks God for muscles and kick boxing. It brings me great joy.
H) Sin is such an issue. I'm not sure why, but I'm just hyper aware of all the sins that I commit recently. And it makes me feel physically sick. The good news? God does forgive. Yes He does. Even though I just feel filthy with my sin, God wipes me clean with the blood of Christ. I am a new creation, the old is gone - the new has come.
I) My 18 year old brain has a lot more depth than it used to. I ponder things a lot more. I look at things in a new way. It's good?
J) I don't want to do things because other people expect me to do them or want me to do them anymore. The only master I have is God - and I'm tired of letting myself listen to anyone else. If I don't like it, and my motives are pure and right in my reasoning - I won't do it. I'm not going to make myself miserable just so that I can be "challenged" or because others expect it.
This has been, yet another mind rambling session with Aunica.
Once again, I hope you gleaned some sort of insight into the inner workings of my mind. If not, I'm not surprised. I don't think I even remotely begin to understand myself, so I'm not sure how anyone else would be able to.
The end.
To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Random Ramblings

A) It's so weird to be home. It was weird to go to youth group. I was withdrawn. I sit in my room alone rather than talk to people. I don't really talk much. But at the same time I don't necessarily feel sad? I miss camp, but I know I have college coming up - so I'm pumped for that. It's more just individual dwelling on the things that happened this summer, things I learned about myself, and attempting to organize everything I was taught into applications I can use in my life.
B) Sometimes I don't like myself. It's true. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel worthy. I feel like a sickly sinner. A sin addict that knows she should stop, but keeps reaching for the bottle time and time again as the chains on her wrists tighten. The good news? God is God and I am not. He is in charge. He is the ultimate judge. Even though I have a huge sin problem, God doesn't see that anymore. I'm washed clean by the blood of the lamb. At the same time, I still feel like a rotten sinner. I look back on the day at all the times I messed up and internally grit my teeth and cringe. Good news? I am forgiven. I am broken. God can make me whole.
C) I am broken. God can pick up the pieces and glue them back together, and somehow use the broken bits and point out the glue and chips for His glory. My weaknesses can be used for His strength and His glory, and that is oh so incredible and wonderful to know.
D) Let's be honest, I miss camp. I miss having campers. I miss seeing awesome camp people. I miss the atmosphere. I miss chapel. I miss having corporate worship in which at least most of the people are sincere. But I know that God used this summer to really teach and grow me so that I can be better equipped to further His kingdom in real life. Camp is good, but it isn't the real world and I need to accept that.
E) I go to college soon. I leave, and I will no longer have a permanent home. That's super scary and exciting. I'm still not really sure what to do with it.
F) It's way too late for me to be writing. I hope you learned something from reading this, from this brief excerpt from my mind.
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