All post

My Idols

Each morning I jump up
I run to the mirror
and stare into it
longing for the body
on the cover of a magazine
I run to the scale
and step on
impatiently waiting
for the number to appear.
Did I lose any weight?
Did I gain any muscle?
Do I look any different than the day before?
I sigh in disbelief at the unchanging and unwavering number.
Today I'll do something different.
I resign to eat healthier, less, and work out more.
But each day the result is the same.
After the realization dawned
this cycle was not a healthy one
I stopped it in its tracks
I stopped counting food choices
started eating healthier
because I want to, not because I feel like I should
but my body image idol stayed strong
threatening to take over my life
if I wasn't careful
the worst part?
It's subconscious.
I don't have to think about it
it just happens.
I don't want to wear these shackles on my wrists anymore
I don't want to be a slave to my body
but even if I make it through the day without working out
I cave in when my mind is less controlled
late night working out is my weakness
while exercise itself isn't a sin,
if it becomes an idol - it is.
And I've made it one.
Someday I'll overcome my addiction
to a perfect body, that may just be out of my grasp for eternity
and the fear that the minute I have children
I'll lose everything I've been working for
the fear that old age will take it all away
the fear of eating
the fear of gaining
the fear of losing control
but the good news is this:
I am not in control.
God is.
He knows what's good, He knows what's best.
He loves me, and I need to trust Him.
And I do, just not fully.
I'm giving my idols to Him.
For He has the strength I don't possess.
And He will use my weaknesses for His strength.
He is good and faithful.
Even when I'm an idolatrous sinner, He loves me and waits with open arms.
He is God, and I most definitely am not. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
He sees the puzzle, I see only one piece.

Endorphins

I had done it
A sick grin forms on my face.
I had just pushed myself
to the end of the race

As the sweat drips off my face
and onto the floor
I wondered if I had
energy any more

to even walk out the door
out to the shower
what time was it anyways?
Is anyone up at this hour?

Endorphins made it all worthwhile
all the pain and sweat
but I'd do it all again
on that I would bet

equivalent to 7 miles running
was what I had achieved

a couple months earlier
I had thought it out of my league

but here I sat, triumphant
unable to peel myself off the ground
unable to scream in happiness
or even to make a sound

I had done it
I had kick boxed for an hour
then the stench hit me
it was time for a shower.

Glory Be to God

A) Jesus loves me. Even when I mess up, He loves me. I in turn should accept myself as a child of God and find joy in my Savior. (John 3:16) (1 John 4:10)

B) I am a sinner. No doubt. (Romans 3:23) (Romans 6:23) (John 8:34)

C) Jesus came and died a painful death, that I might have eternal life in heaven with Him. He loves me so much that He died for me. He died, then he rose again on the 3rd day. (Romans 5:8) (Romans 5:6) (Romans 8:34)

D) I still sin, but I am no longer a sinner. Christ's blood covers my sins and takes them away. I am forgiven. (Isaiah 53:5) (John 8:36)

E) I should live life with full abandon - as I am a pure child of God - blameless and without sin in His eyes. (1 John 3:3) (Phillipians 2:15)

F) I will sin, but I am forgiven. God will use my weaknesses for His strength. This does not, however, give me free license to sin - if I am truly a Christian I shouldn't desire to sin any longer. Sin has lost it's grip on me. (1 John 1:9) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) (Romans 6:1-2)

Romans 6:1-2 --
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

1 John 4:14--
We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. 

Acts 20:24 --
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Fairytale Ending Gone Wrong

A prince.
A princess.
A far away place.

A scream.
She runs.
With an open can of mace.

He's hurt.
At his lost dreams.
He cries.

All he had ever wanted.
Slipping away.
Right before his eyes.

He should have asked.
Should have talked to her before.
Asking her for her hand.

So that somehow.
Somewhere.
She would understand.

He wasn't just any prince.
He was hers.
Till death do us part.

And all of that jazz.
He wanted her hand in marriage.
And then her heart.

But she had run.
Kicking and screaming.
From what was destined to be.

Afraid of commitment.
The fear of what was to come.
Of what she couldn't see.

She was running from a future.
Of possible happiness.
From joy.

Running from a future.
That may be terrible.
From an unknown boy.

But little did he know.
That day she yelped and flew.
He had planted a seed of doubt.

In her flawless plan.
To never love.
But she took a different route.

He had left her wondering.
Thinking to herself.
If he had been right all along.

If she had thought wrong.
Or instead of being alone all the time,
there were two parts to her song?

Contentedness

Content. I am content.
In Christ. In life. In the unknown.
In trusting that God knows, and that I don't. He is in control.
In singleness. In the freedom it brings to live and grow with full abandon in my relationship with Christ.
In the fact that I can fully surrender myself to Christ without anyone getting in my way.
In giving God my struggles.
In seeing God answer my prayers in crazy ways.
In the goodness and holiness of God.
In my love for my Savior.
He is good.

The Value of Silence

After coming home from camp a couple days ago I've learned a few new things about myself.
A) I don't mind being alone. In fact, at the moment, my people energy is way low so when I am home I'm in my room.
B) Silence is oh so valuable. I find myself listening and taking in rather than talking. Maybe it's because there's so much going on inside my head that I don't really know what to do with it all? All I know is that silence is sweet.
C) Instead of talking to God, which I still do - don't worry, I listen. I sit in peaceful worshipful silence for hours. And you know what? I'm way content.
D) God is good. I am not. But somehow He still loves me.
E) I need to reconcile myself to the thought that God loves me. I've been struggling with that thought lately because I don't necessarily love myself, in fact a lot of the time I hardly like myself at all. But God made me for a purpose, and I need to accept that and find joy in the love of Christ.
F) I don't need to be busy or schedule. I'm perfectly happy with just sitting my room all afternoon talking and listening to God. Contentedness in Christ is a sweet, sweet thing.
G) I still love exercising. A lot. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I worked out yesterday and just grinned the whole time. Thanks God for muscles and kick boxing. It brings me great joy.
H) Sin is such an issue. I'm not sure why, but I'm just hyper aware of all the sins that I commit recently. And it makes me feel physically sick. The good news? God does forgive. Yes He does. Even though I just feel filthy with my sin, God wipes me clean with the blood of Christ. I am a new creation, the old is gone - the new has come.
I) My 18 year old brain has a lot more depth than it used to. I ponder things a lot more. I look at things in a new way. It's good?
J) I don't want to do things because other people expect me to do them or want me to do them anymore. The only master I have is God - and I'm tired of letting myself listen to anyone else. If I don't like it, and my motives are pure and right in my reasoning - I won't do it. I'm not going to make myself miserable just so that I can be "challenged" or because others expect it.
This has been, yet another mind rambling session with Aunica.
Once again, I hope you gleaned some sort of insight into the inner workings of my mind. If not, I'm not surprised. I don't think I even remotely begin to understand myself, so I'm not sure how anyone else would be able to.
The end.
To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Random Ramblings

A) It's so weird to be home. It was weird to go to youth group. I was withdrawn. I sit in my room alone rather than talk to people. I don't really talk much. But at the same time I don't necessarily feel sad? I miss camp, but I know I have college coming up - so I'm pumped for that. It's more just individual dwelling on the things that happened this summer, things I learned about myself, and attempting to organize everything I was taught into applications I can use in my life.
B) Sometimes I don't like myself. It's true. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel worthy. I feel like a sickly sinner. A sin addict that knows she should stop, but keeps reaching for the bottle time and time again as the chains on her wrists tighten. The good news? God is God and I am not. He is in charge. He is the ultimate judge. Even though I have a huge sin problem, God doesn't see that anymore. I'm washed clean by the blood of the lamb. At the same time, I still feel like a rotten sinner. I look back on the day at all the times I messed up and internally grit my teeth and cringe. Good news? I am forgiven. I am broken. God can make me whole.
C) I am broken. God can pick up the pieces and glue them back together, and somehow use the broken bits and point out the glue and chips for His glory. My weaknesses can be used for His strength and His glory, and that is oh so incredible and wonderful to know.
D) Let's be honest, I miss camp. I miss having campers. I miss seeing awesome camp people. I miss the atmosphere. I miss chapel. I miss having corporate worship in which at least most of the people are sincere. But I know that God used this summer to really teach and grow me so that I can be better equipped to further His kingdom in real life. Camp is good, but it isn't the real world and I need to accept that.
E) I go to college soon. I leave, and I will no longer have a permanent home. That's super scary and exciting. I'm still not really sure what to do with it.
F) It's way too late for me to be writing. I hope you learned something from reading this, from this brief excerpt from my mind.

So Far Summer 2011

Hidden Acres summer 2011.
I went into this summer with a completely different mindset. Instead of being excited for friends, seeing campers grow, or worship - I wanted to make this summer different. My prayer from the beginning has been that God would challenge and grow me in new ways each week.

Matthew 21:21-22 --Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
Lifeguard training week was crazy. It was kind of hard to be at camp without campers, 2 weeks away from having campers, and knowing that none of my close friends came for another 5 days. I'm not going to lie, it was a long week - but we made it! It was great rest, though, as I had time to really dig into the word and get filled up so that by the time staff training came around I was bursting to pour into campers. Staff training seemed really long to me since I'd already been at camp for a week, but once again I made it and was thankful for the time God gave me to go deeper into the word each morning without the added exhaustion of campers so I was spiritually filled when they finally came.
During staff training we talked about the 4 deep idols. So after praying each morning that God would challenge me the first week, I found that I was in horse camp. I don't really like horses, so I was excited for the challenge and to see how God would grow me. However, when we got to the staff meeting they asked all the counselors staying in the wagons to stand up. So we all confusedly stood up and they told us there had been a mistake and we were in horse wilderness instead. We had half an hour to throw all of the stuff we'd need for a week in a plastic bin. I look back and laugh that my only care was that I had just bought a new carton of strawberries and I didn't want them to waste, so I quickly packed then went and we shoveled strawberries into our mouths. Honestly, as hard as I thought that week would be -- it was amazing. God worked in so many ways, and it was overall just a completely different camp experience. If I work at camp again next summer I pray that I get to counsel horse wilderness again, because it was an awesome week. That week all idols were suppressed and not an issue. My power idol was taken away because there were 6 counselors, so each decision had to be run by each one before it was made so no one was in power. My control idol was taken away because there was virtually no schedule at all, we just kind of did whatever we wanted to and went by a day to day hour by hour "we'll see" schedule. Comfort - we slept in tents. We didn't shower. We smelled gross. There's no comfort like a shower and a spritz of good smelling spray. Approval -- well, we smelled bad and we wore the same clothes all week. No approval there. All in all, it was a great and growing week.
The second week I went into it thinking God was going to teach me patience. Boy, was I wrong. Not only did I learn that I will never ever be able to guess what God is going to do, but I learned to rely on God's strength in a completely different way. We had a lot of homesickness on Monday and a girl went home from it. By Monday night I broke down during worship and had to leave chapel and just get a grip on myself. I ended up pleading that God would just take over the week, at that point I really realized how much I couldn't do without His strength.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 -- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
God really worked through that week, and I loved my campers very much. They asked a lot of questions, and God gave me answers that I know I could have never known without Him.
Week 3 -- horse camp with Renae Lau. I love her, so much. That week God taught me that sometimes I'm not going to see Him working through me at all. I didn't really connect with my campers, and they were super independent and wanted nothing to do with Renae and me. It wasn't that they didn't like us, they were just independent and self sufficient. It was definitely hard for me to give to God, but I gained peace through the knowledge that He was working and that there will be weeks where I don't see the harvest or growth. At the closing ceremony the girls seemed genuinely sad to see us go, but it was definitely a tough connection week.
This last week was a short week of 2-3rd graders. We had a couple fire crackers who tried my patience hardcore sometimes. On top of relying on God and failing from time to time to show them compassion and patience, I was dealing with some deep family issues and just the pain from that. God definitely taught me to just come to Him in my times of need in prayer and trust Him to do what's best. It's hard for me to understand that sometimes He doesn't do things when I want them done and in the way I ask for them, but it always ends up being way better than I could ever ask for or imagine. God is so much greater than I am, and His knowledge is infinitely greater. Trusting Him to know what's best is something I'm continuing to work on.
So that's been the first 5 weeks of my summer so far! I have two weeks left -- Junior high and High school, so prayer would be greatly appreciated as I continue to pray that God would challenge and grow me in crazy ways in my last couple weeks at camp this summer.

My Daily Battle

I struggle with body image. As much as I like to suppress it, push it away, and pretend that that's something that other girls struggle with -- it's definitely something I've become enslaved to. While I don't really like talking about things I struggle with because it makes me think I'm weak, I know that God can use my weaknesses for His strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). So here I am, sharing about the one thing that has the greatest grip on the chain around my wrists. Body Image. Some girls just struggle with the weight aspect, but I struggle with the whole package. It wasn't until  this past year that I really realized how much it meant to me deep down. I'd always assumed that I was happy with the way I looked, but the deep idol just came out in different ways. Freshman year I talked to boys alot. Sophomore year I wore a lot of makeup. Junior year I started really pursuing God and seeking His will, but the idol was still there. Waiting to surface in some other aspect of my life. At the beginning of Senior year I sat on my couch for a couple weeks reading through a popular book series. The problem was, when I was reading I was eating. And I wasn't in volleyball or show choir anymore - so I ended up gaining 10 lbs before I knew it. It took me a while to realize what had happened, and by that point I just panicked. I started working out like a crazy women, watching what I ate, and stepping on the scale each morning. While for some people this is a normal routine and doesn't affect their everyday lives, I found myself living for that number each morning. I'd wake up and the first thing I'd do is run to the scale and see if I'd lost even a 1/10th of a lb overnight. And if the number went up a tiny bit? I freaked. I didn't eat any dessert at all that day or I'd workout even harder to overcompensate for the day before. It wasn't until May that I realized that I was living for the scale. No longer were my eyes focused on the cross, but between my feet each morning as I stepped on that scale, anxiously waiting for the number to pop up. I did lose weight, 23 lbs, and people started to notice. I dropped a couple sizes and began to feel happy about my weight again. Only this time, instead of sinking back into my regular routine that I had had all through high school, I kept on with the calorie watching and scale standing.
It took me 6 months to really realize (in May) that I wasn't living for God anymore. It actually makes me feel almost physically sick when I think about how easy it was for me to avert my eyes from what really matters. I'd let my own selfishness get in the way.
So I did the only thing I could do, I got on my knees and pleaded that God would help me. I had dug a hole and jumped into it, and there was no way I was getting out without help. As much as I'd like to say that I'm doing great now, I'm not. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but each morning I pray that God would take it away from me and that it wouldn't be a focus of mine.
I now realize factors that may have added to my outwardly appearance craze. My mom has always drilled into my that overeating is a sin, and that being overweight would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. So ever since I've been a kid, I've had a fear of being overweight. I'm 6'1. I have very few friends who are even close to my height, so I have no way of knowing what a normal weight is. As all my friends are shorter than me, I constantly feel huge. Not only in height, but they're all super skinny without trying as well. That adds to my feeling insecure about my weight because I'm always around girls who are smaller than I am and I have no way of knowing if I'm normal or not. I think beauty has always been a desire of mine even since I was a little girl, I remember always thinking I was an ugly duckling waiting to be a swan when I was 6 or 7. Now that I'm older, it makes me sad that I was that unhappy with my looks at the time that I yearned for days when I would be pretty. I definitely subconsciously compare myself to other girls constantly. It's something I'm trying to work on, but I think it's my mind's way of setting itself at ease that I'm an average weight. I'm not sure if I'll ever look in the mirror and think I'm skinny, but I'm working on being content with what God gave me and recognize myself as a creation of the Lord.
Weight and outward appearance is still a daily battle, but I'm able to get through each day with only a few momentary lapses with God's help. There's no possible way I'd be doing remotely okay without Him, and I am eternally thankful for His love, forgiveness, and grace. Tears form in my eyes each time I think about how completely unworthy I am of His constant patience with me as I run towards things of this world instead of those that will last for a lifetime.
This summer at camp I've been working on making sure God is the focus of my day instead of myself. Each morning instead of showering and putting on makeup, I brush my teeth, look in the mirror and tell myself that God made me a beautiful creation. Then I go and spend time with God. There are definitely days when I still struggle with my insecurities, and I'd be lying if I said there will ever be a time I don't struggle with it. It's a daily commitment to give it to God and focus on the Cross instead of my own appearance, but the beauty of the cross is more than enough to live for.
So regardless of how much I weigh or how pretty I am I will hold on to this one firm truth: God made me in His image (Genesis 1:27) and I will praise Him all the more because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

~ Romans 6:16-17 -- Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ~

~ Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  ~
Subscribe to: Posts ( Atom )