Uncategories My Daily Battle

My Daily Battle

Published on 1:18 PM By Aunica
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I struggle with body image. As much as I like to suppress it, push it away, and pretend that that's something that other girls struggle with -- it's definitely something I've become enslaved to. While I don't really like talking about things I struggle with because it makes me think I'm weak, I know that God can use my weaknesses for His strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). So here I am, sharing about the one thing that has the greatest grip on the chain around my wrists. Body Image. Some girls just struggle with the weight aspect, but I struggle with the whole package. It wasn't until  this past year that I really realized how much it meant to me deep down. I'd always assumed that I was happy with the way I looked, but the deep idol just came out in different ways. Freshman year I talked to boys alot. Sophomore year I wore a lot of makeup. Junior year I started really pursuing God and seeking His will, but the idol was still there. Waiting to surface in some other aspect of my life. At the beginning of Senior year I sat on my couch for a couple weeks reading through a popular book series. The problem was, when I was reading I was eating. And I wasn't in volleyball or show choir anymore - so I ended up gaining 10 lbs before I knew it. It took me a while to realize what had happened, and by that point I just panicked. I started working out like a crazy women, watching what I ate, and stepping on the scale each morning. While for some people this is a normal routine and doesn't affect their everyday lives, I found myself living for that number each morning. I'd wake up and the first thing I'd do is run to the scale and see if I'd lost even a 1/10th of a lb overnight. And if the number went up a tiny bit? I freaked. I didn't eat any dessert at all that day or I'd workout even harder to overcompensate for the day before. It wasn't until May that I realized that I was living for the scale. No longer were my eyes focused on the cross, but between my feet each morning as I stepped on that scale, anxiously waiting for the number to pop up. I did lose weight, 23 lbs, and people started to notice. I dropped a couple sizes and began to feel happy about my weight again. Only this time, instead of sinking back into my regular routine that I had had all through high school, I kept on with the calorie watching and scale standing.
It took me 6 months to really realize (in May) that I wasn't living for God anymore. It actually makes me feel almost physically sick when I think about how easy it was for me to avert my eyes from what really matters. I'd let my own selfishness get in the way.
So I did the only thing I could do, I got on my knees and pleaded that God would help me. I had dug a hole and jumped into it, and there was no way I was getting out without help. As much as I'd like to say that I'm doing great now, I'm not. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but each morning I pray that God would take it away from me and that it wouldn't be a focus of mine.
I now realize factors that may have added to my outwardly appearance craze. My mom has always drilled into my that overeating is a sin, and that being overweight would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. So ever since I've been a kid, I've had a fear of being overweight. I'm 6'1. I have very few friends who are even close to my height, so I have no way of knowing what a normal weight is. As all my friends are shorter than me, I constantly feel huge. Not only in height, but they're all super skinny without trying as well. That adds to my feeling insecure about my weight because I'm always around girls who are smaller than I am and I have no way of knowing if I'm normal or not. I think beauty has always been a desire of mine even since I was a little girl, I remember always thinking I was an ugly duckling waiting to be a swan when I was 6 or 7. Now that I'm older, it makes me sad that I was that unhappy with my looks at the time that I yearned for days when I would be pretty. I definitely subconsciously compare myself to other girls constantly. It's something I'm trying to work on, but I think it's my mind's way of setting itself at ease that I'm an average weight. I'm not sure if I'll ever look in the mirror and think I'm skinny, but I'm working on being content with what God gave me and recognize myself as a creation of the Lord.
Weight and outward appearance is still a daily battle, but I'm able to get through each day with only a few momentary lapses with God's help. There's no possible way I'd be doing remotely okay without Him, and I am eternally thankful for His love, forgiveness, and grace. Tears form in my eyes each time I think about how completely unworthy I am of His constant patience with me as I run towards things of this world instead of those that will last for a lifetime.
This summer at camp I've been working on making sure God is the focus of my day instead of myself. Each morning instead of showering and putting on makeup, I brush my teeth, look in the mirror and tell myself that God made me a beautiful creation. Then I go and spend time with God. There are definitely days when I still struggle with my insecurities, and I'd be lying if I said there will ever be a time I don't struggle with it. It's a daily commitment to give it to God and focus on the Cross instead of my own appearance, but the beauty of the cross is more than enough to live for.
So regardless of how much I weigh or how pretty I am I will hold on to this one firm truth: God made me in His image (Genesis 1:27) and I will praise Him all the more because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

~ Romans 6:16-17 -- Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ~

~ Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  ~
Aunica

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