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Struggles, Vulnerability, and Resolutions

 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 -- Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

As many of you know,
I struggle with body image.
In the past couple months I've reached a new low. Control is the deep idol I've been wrestling with, the surface idol being body image. You see, this idol comes up in different ways. After I think I have my focus right, my eyes are opened to the new way this idol is appearing in my life. Honestly, it makes me sick to my stomach. As of right now it's official - I have an eating disorder. Oh, the humility in admitting that. In health class they only show you the extremes. The girls who are all bones. What they don't show you is that it's a process. Those girls don't just wake up one day and look like that, it's a choice over a long period of time. A mental state, really. Control idol. Senior year first semester it was in my weight - constantly weighing myself to see if I'd lost anything and then living that day based on that number. 2nd semester I thought I was finished with that, but my control idol in my image came up in my exercise. I worked out every day for at least an hour, and if I didn't I was super upset and felt overweight. This semester - eating. I reached the point during finals week where all I'd eat all day was a banana. I've reached the point where I can convince myself I'm not hungry by repeating "I'm so full" in my head 10 times. I've reached the point where I sleep in so I don't have to eat breakfast, then my food for the rest of the day consists of yogurt, a banana, and a small portion of whatever is for supper that night. The scary thing is - I eat around other people. I eat around my family. I eat around my friends. So no one would know until it gets further down the road. I've never thought I was skinny. I've never been able to look in the mirror and see anything but the fat on my hips or the pudge on my stomach. Being over 6 foot and a girl, it's hard not having anyone to compare yourself with to reassure yourself that you're at a healthy size. It's hard to always be surrounded by girls that are smaller than you, and always feeling like a giant.
Man, does it make me sick to admit that. It's a daily battle. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, the second is to make a change.
I struggled with pride this semester as well, and through this God has definitely humbled me. The fact that I'm as weak as a baby - I can't even feed myself! - has humbled me beyond belief and really shed light on my brokenness. Through this I've realized that I have a lot of deep pain that I've never dealt with. I don't have control in a lot of areas of my life, so by restricting my eating I find control.
I have an unhealthy fear of food and getting fat. I have an unhealthy view of my body. The fact that I could recite what I've eaten in the last month is sickening, and really shows the depth of the issue.
I know one thing for sure - I am SO, so weak. The good news is - God is strong. And I will definitely be relying on His strength in this. He has given me a great support system and hopefully it'll only be a matter of time before I'm back to normal.
My prayer is that through my openness and honesty - God can use my weakness for His strength.
If anyone is dealing with this at all - feel free to talk to me about it! I'm very open about my struggled, and I'd love to be able to help in any way possible.
I know this post might make it seem like my world is falling and that everything is bad, but God is still good - and He's been teaching me SO much. I can't even begin to show the depths of my gratitude for His loving faithfulness, mercy, and grace - which He's extended to me constantly this year. My resolution for this year is to praise God - in trials, in joy, and through pain - Praise the Lord, for He is good - and He is in control.
Today many people with resolve to eat less, exercise, and get in shape - my resolution is to eat more. To be healthy. To honor God with my body, because my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 -- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated!

James 5: 13-16 --Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Thoughts

Mmm.
God is good.
Peace comes with relief.
Hugs are wonderful.
Even when you're broken,
and I mean - falling to pieces.
When I'm a lamp that's fallen off the table one too many times,
when I'm a glass that's crashed to the ground -
and I fear that my cracks are too much,
that the pieces of my being will never be the same.
I realize that there's a super glue that can fix me.
God.
He fills my cracks,
and makes beauty out of my pain and shortcomings.
I'm just super overwhelmed by how good He is.
I can't even begin to share.
When I'm struggling,
and just overwhelmed by my weakness -
God shows me His reasoning.
Weaknesses are ways that we can rely on God's strength.
It's a way of cutting down our pride.
They're a reminder that it's not about ME, it's about God.
That even when I am weak, HE is strong.
Mmm. SO goooood!
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, O my soul!
Thanks God for driving time,
when I get the chance to get away -
and just spend those quiet moments in prayer.
Prayer is powerful.
Sin is powerful.
God is more powerful.
In the end - God wins.

Scrambled or Sunny Side Up?

My heart is like an egg
that you put in an incubator
as it warms up slowly
as my feelings grow

My heart is like an egg
that you scrambled
put on a skillet
and mixed around
until it was unrecognizable

My heart is like an egg
that you cracked
as you laughed as the lines
etched their way around
they never did fully heal

My heart is like an egg
that you threw on the ground
that you left laying there
and just walked away

My heart is like an egg
that you left in the 'fridge
for weeks on end
until it smelled,
and you threw it out

Intimate Moments with the Lord

Nostalgia.
I feel this way when I look outside.
When I see the sun.
When I see the sun on the trees.
When I see trees.
Basically anytime I see creation.
I smile.
God smiles.
We smile together.
It's the best way I connect with Him.
Creation.
Oh, how I love the outdoors.
Breathing in clean fresh air and just staring at the beauty that surrounds me.
It's breath-taking.
It's dazzling.
Wow, God, you really knew what you were doing!
I get an overwhelming sense of awe, love, and admiration for my Creator.
I feel like He has His arm around my shoulder,
as He points out different parts of His masterpiece.
"Do you see the grooves in that tree bark?
The way the sun hits that branch and the shadow it casts?
The way the water licks at the side of the river bank, never going past where I tell it to?
The way the world seems peaceful and slow when snow is falling?
Or the way the green grass is like carpet?
I made it first you know - the grass came before carpet!"
Mmm. Intimate moments with God.
Whether they actually happen like that or not, it's the closeness I feel that matters I suppose.
It's the loving embrace.
The nearness.
The knowledge that no matter what's going on,
I can take a deep breath and look outside and be reminded of the Father's love for me.
When I am weak, He is strong. Wow. What a great reminder.

Current State of the Union: Overwhelmed

Christmas is over - and I still have a week left of break.
Emotions are mixed as I realize that:
- a week is a long time
- I have less than a couple hours a day of time not filled
- a week is not enough time to spend with my family

I've come to this conclusion over break: my family is great. God has blessed me with two of the most amazing parents ever. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, and we all have our humanly downfalls - but these people are great. My family is the best. It's so refreshing to be around people who already know who you are, have seen you at your very worst, and still love and accept you. I love being cared for again instead of having to take care of myself. What a nice feeling after a couple months of college!
The transition into J-term will be a rough one. After a great two weeks home, it'll be hard to go back to college. I love college, don't get me wrong, but it's nothing compared to your parents loving hugs and infinite amounts of cash (or so it seems). It'll be hard to leave my sisters. To know that I'm going to miss big parts of their lives. To know that while their lives are still basically the same as last year, mine has drastically changed - and it's harder for me to relate to them.
It's been hard knowing how to balance time. Which friends do I see? Which ones do I not see? When do I spend time with my family? How much time do they need? How much time do they want? How much time do I want? Should I have alone time? Should I constantly be surrounded by people? How much do I sleep? How late do I stay up?
Balance is tough. So I guess in that sense it'll be a relief to go back to the scheduled normalcy of college life. To the fun, to the homework, to the friends.

All I know is that I am blessed beyond belief. God is way too good to me, and I certainly don't deserve it in the least. I have a great family. I have a house. I have money for college. I have a family that loves me, loves each other, and loves God.

Praise the Lord for blessings, praise the Lord for trials, praise the Lord for weakness - and the knowledge that His strength is the only thing left to rely on.

Praise the Lord!

Shackles

I can feel the shackles as they rub on my wrists.
Their weight a constant reminder of my sin.
They swallow my wrists in their iron grasp,
threatening to never let go.

The slavery of sin -
I know it too well.
I've had masters a plenty.

First lying,
then stealing.
Now food and image.
Sometimes love,
sometimes family.
Other times perfection.

It's a constant battle.
It feels like every time I see my shackles,
and recognition is the first step - it's oh so easy to ignore them,
and give them to God,
the moment He unlocks them from my wrists and I am finally,
finally free -
another set, this time heavier,
come crashing down to latch onto my now free wrists.

Oh Lord, Help me!
I plead.
As the cycle continues day in and day out.

I'm too weak to resist temptation.
I'm too weak to know what it means to live without shackles.
I'm no longer a slave to sin, you say?
I'm now a slave to righteousness?

Slavery of any kind does not sound sweet to my ears,
but these shackles - these shackles of righteousness,
they're no burden.
In fact, they lift me up instead of dragging me down.
They guide me on the narrow path,
the lead me in the correct direction.

But even now,
with my new weight-free shackles,
I struggle with old ones.

Ones that come creeping back.
Shackles that the tempter places on me,
to drag me off the narrow path,
and onto the wide path that leads to destruction.

His constant taunting leaves me weak.
Reminding me of my inner sin-nature.
Bringing out my worst,
making me believe it's my best.

The darkness in this tunnel envelopes me for the moment,
But I know that Joy comes in the morning.
Joy through mourning.
His Mercies are New everyday,
and when I am weak, He is strong.

Even in my weakness,
and believe me - my eyes have been opened to how weak I truly am,
He carries me.
When I can no longer walk.
He picks me up in His arms and soothes me,
saying "It's going to be all right."

And I will make it.
No matter how hard it gets.
No matter how heavy the shackles.
God has the key.

Just remember:
In the end - God Wins.

Current State of the Union

As of right now here's the plan:
I applied to Northwestern in St. Paul.
This way I can major in intercultural studies,
keep my friends,
and stay connected to the ministries I'm involved in currently.
PLUS I'll get a more conservative biblical education.
Win-win-win!
So.
Praying will continue,
but as of right now I'll be an eagle in the fall.
The end.
But not really.
The rest of my future is still way up in the air,
but for right now I'm content to trust that God will lead me in the direction He wants me to go.
I don't have to decide right now.

Life Directions

I don't like making decisions.
I don't like having too many options.
Some days I wish I could go back to pre-school,
when we were given two options.
PB&J or cold meat sandwich?
This book or that book?
Red crayon or blue crayon?

Somedays I wish that I could be given a choice between two lives.
Two package deals.

Do you want the American dream?
It's comfortable and normal.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
It comes with a husband, 2.5 kids, and a medium-sized house.
Completely furnished. A dog in the backyard. A white picket fence.
A great job, and an apron.
Or option two:

Do you want the Adventurous route?
The one without comfort?
The one with lots of surprises and relying on God's strength?
The one where you live in a different country?
Where the picture of your future in your mind is unknown?
Where all you can expect is a big question mark?
Want a spouse or not? Can you see yourself over there with one?
The option where you share the gospel for a living,
don't know where your food comes from,
and you get to see first-hand the Kingdom work?

Or how about next year choices even,
let's back it up a little.
Which college choice do you want?
Do you want to continue on the path you chose?
Bethel with an art major?
It's easy. It's comfortable. It's teeming with the venus fly traps of complacency and lukewarmness.

Or Moody with a Women's Ministry major?
What will you do with that when you graduate?
This one more coincides with the adventure route in life.
Where I major in missions and go overseas.
It'd be scary.
It'd be wonderful.
I'd learn a lot about the bible.

Or should I transfer to Northwestern?
I could major in intercultural studies.
I already love the people there.
It'd be different.
It'd be unexpected.
It'd be what I had planned all of my junior year.
Would I grow?
Would I be challenged?

The biggest question right now is this:
What's God's plan?
Is it specific, or does it just hinge on right and wrong?
Does He care as long as I'm honoring Him?
In the game of Life, this is where my path splits and I make a decision.
The truth is, I have no idea what to do.
So many options, so little to go off of.

So here I am, on my knees - pleading that God will give me some direction.
Some sort of idea, any sort of idea of where He wants me.
A glimpse of the future perhaps?
A note in my mailbox with my life plan laid out?
As of right now, I have no clue where I'll be next year.
I have no idea what I'll do with my life.
I have no idea where I'll go.
All I know is that I desire to glorify God.
We'll see where He takes me.

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear isn't drowning.
It isn't spiders, snakes, or the color blue.
I'm not afraid of death.
My biggest fear is complacency.
I'm scared to death that I'll wake up one day,
near the end of my life,
and realize that I've wasted my life.
That I will go through life like anyone else.
That I won't share the gospel.
That I'll lose my desire for God.
That I'll forget what matters most - bringing glory to God.
That somehow, somewhere in the mix of life - I'll get off the narrow path.
That I'll stumble into the american dream,
and somehow find a shallow satisfaction in that.
What do I want to do, and desire above all other things?
To live a life that's glorifying to God.
To be able to face Him one day and know that,
while I will fail,
through my mistakes and short comings He was glorified.
That somehow through my sinful nature and failures,
the Kingdom of God was furthered and people were brought to the Lord.
Not through anything I had done, but through Christ's Redeeming blood.
This is my biggest fear.
The first step to overcoming fears is recognition, right?
My prayer is that Christ will give me the strength to conquer this,
may it never be the truth or the life I live.
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