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Breathing

Breathing.
Oh, how often I take breathing for granted.
Until one day I struggle to breathe.
I have a cold, I run too fast, and asthma and my sickness collide -
as the world shuts down for a moment as I gasp for breath,
and as my vision clouds and threatens to take me down.
In that moment, I am thankful for the quick intake of icy air that follows those moments of panic.
After those moments, I scarcely take a breath without thanking the Lord that it's not my last.
Shouldn't I live every breath like this?
Constantly aware that my life is but a vapor in the wind?
Life is short.
Why am I not living a life radical for Christ?
Why do I let a day go by where I pass up an opportunity to talk about my Savior?
Life is a precious gift,
and time on this earth is short.
Shouldn't I want others to be able to partake in the life to come?
Should I passively give up opportunities to share the good news, never giving that person a chance to accept or reject Christ?
My life is not my own.
To live is Christ, to die is gain.
I desire to live a life that worthy of the gospel.
I desire to live a life that emulates Christ.
I desire God.
I desire God more than anything.
I desire God more than food.
I desire God more than breathing.
I desire God more than life itself.
I desire to breathe each breath like it's my last.

Mountains & Valleys

Sometimes I wish my faith was just a line, instead of this up and down roller coaster.
There are weeks on end where I can't help but overflow with the Joy that God gives me in everyday life.
On the flip side there are weeks where I can't feel His presences.
It's through these valleys in my faith, that I learn the most.
It's significantly harder to trust God when things aren't all going well.
When the sun isn't necessarily shining.
When exhaustion and the world seem to bring you down.
But, God uses these times to teach the harder lessons.
To teach me to trust Him in all things - not just the good.
To teach me to be broken with others and share my hardships and struggles.
To truly show me the depth of my sinfulness, and therefore compare it to His AMAZING grace.
When I am completely aware of my sinfulness and the darkness that comes alongside it, how much greater is the light and beauty of His grace, and how undeserving I am!
These valleys are hard, but God has been showing me how I've grown.
Instead of becoming complacent when things aren't good, or turning away for a time -
instead it brings me closer to Him.
It's in these times that I find that I need to fight to tread water.
It's in these times that I find that I need to rely on His strength to get me through.
It's in these times that I become more and more aware of my own weakness.
It's in these times that I see more fully my brokenness, and the beauty that can come from being vulnerable.
It's in these times that I realize how much closer I've grown with the Lord.
It's in these times that I see how much I rely on Him. How much I love Him. How much I sit in communion with Him.
It's in these times that I see the multitude of ways to grow in my faith.
Through talking with other believers.
Through studying scripture.
Through sermons.
Through prayer.
Through being completely open and real with God, instead of hiding my feelings and struggles.
Oh, the beauty of being broken before the foot of the cross.
Wow, what a wonderful Savior!
The depth of my sin is great in comparison to the light of His grace, but He is good and faithful.
And He forgives my sins and cleanses me of all unrighteousness.
It's in these times that I see the brokenness of the world, and it keeps a longing in my heart for the day when I will leave this wicked and twisted world and be able to gaze on the face of the Lord and praise Him for the rest of eternity.
God is good.
He is faithful.
He is powerful.
I am unworthy.
He loves me anyways.
I am so blessed.

A Deep Thirst

My life is like a desert.
I've been here for years,
and I haven't been able to swallow since day one.
I've tried so hard to quench that thirst.
I've tried the lemon juice of popularity.
The coffee of boys.
The tea of friends.
The gatorade of doing the right things.
The powerade of appearing perfect.
But in the end, while some may,
on the surface, seem to satisfy -
I'm still left with a deep thirst.
Only the Living Water can satisfy my desire.
Only the Living Water can quench my deep thirst.
Satisfaction comes only through Christ,
not through the dehydrating liquids of this world.

Trust

I've been learning lately that trusting God isn't easy.
You'd think it would be,
I mean - who doesn't want the creator of the world in charge of their lives?
He obviously knows what's best.

Trusting God is easier in the good times.
When I'm happy, when all the world is right and good in my eyes -
it's easier for me to say "alright God, you got this."
But it's so easy for me to snatch my life back into my own hands when things go wrong.

The truth is - that isn't trust at all.
That's like telling someone they can drive,
and then the minute their hands touch the wheel making them move to the passenger seat.
That's like telling someone you love them,
But you'll only be married to them every other Tuesday. For an hour.

I think it's hard for me to accept.
That sometimes, bad things happen.
I don't understand - and in some instances, I never will.

When I'm driving through the pouring rain,
and visibility is non-existent,
I need to hand over the wheel.

It's in those moments,
when tragedy strikes,
and you're left speechless.
Holding your friend in your arms,
as she sobs as if the world is ending.
Those are the moments that I realize I can't be in control.
And I don't want to be.
It's in those moments that I realize that I really have to trust God.
Not just halfway, or three quarters,
but 100%.
I have to give him the good and the bad.
And trust that He knows what He's doing.
That someday I might look back and understand why.
But until then to not let myself get shaken by this world.

Perfection

Something God has been teaching me and I've had to reconcile is the fact that I'm not perfect, and I never will be.
Yes, I will strive to be more like God and therefore Holy, which is a part of the sanctification process - but I will not reach that perfect state until I see my Creator's face.
For most people this isn't a big deal.
I mean, duh Aunica, didn't you know? We can't be perfect.
But my whole life I've strived for this goal.
Subconsciously thinking that when I'm perfect, then I will deserve the love of others.
Believing that I can't help others if I'm not whole,
when in fact - God can use my brokenness.
I've had to reconcile to the fact that I may never be whole.
Because of my sin nature and past I will always be broken,
it's how I deal with this brokenness that matters.
Joy comes from the Lord, this I know.
Happiness is a choice.
Joy is a command.
I will always have to rely on God's strength.
I will never be able to do it on my own.
I will never truly be the woman I want to be,
I will instead be the woman God created me to be.
Perfection.
It still hovers over my head as a constant reminder of my inadequacy.
But instead of enslaving me,
it simply reminds me to rely on God's strength and not my own.
Teaching me to constantly give over control to my Father in Heaven.

Maybe this is nothing new for you.
Maybe it is.
I just know that for me, it's life changing.
The fact that I'm not expected to be perfect rattles me to the core,
as my striving slows until I stand still in the presence of the Lord.
I'm not perfect.
I'm nowhere near perfection.
I never will be.
God's love isn't conditional.
It doesn't act upon the level of perfection,
the number of times you quote bible verses in a day,
or the times you go to church instead of sleeping in.
God's love is unconditional.
I'm not a slave to perfection anymore.
Instead, I quote the bible because I want to and by the promptings of the Spirit.
I go to church because I desire to learn about God.
It's not an obligation, it's a desire.

God uses broken vessels for His glory.
His power can be magnified through my weaknesses.
When I am weak, He is strong.
So basically - He's always strong.
I'm always weak.
He's in control.
I'm not.
He loves me even when I'm not perfect.
Wow.
That might take a few days to process.
Or a lifetime.
Truly unconditional love.
Our God is WAY too good.
I am so unworthy, but He loves me anyways.


Ephesians 1:4
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

Love, Hearts, and Chalky Candy

When you love someone, you want to get to know them better - to reach the depths of their heart. To see where their passions and desires lie.
So tomorrow will be spent diving into the depths of God's heart.
Where does His heart lie?
What makes Him smile?
What makes Him sad?
Jesus dates are the best - especially on the day we celebrate love!

1 John 4:18 --> There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Empathy

Jesus. The ultimate Empathizer.
He didn't have to come and experience the pain of this world,
He could have saved us in a different way.
But our God is a personal God.
So He sent His son to be persecuted in this world.
To go through the trials of this life.
To be able to understand our pain.
And He is victorious.
He overcame the world.
He understands.
Hebrews 2:18 -"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Working Out

There's something about exercising that just helps clear your head.
I really truly love the feeling of blood pumping through my veins,
music in my ears,
and an hour to kill.
Whether it be kickboxing,
running,
the elliptical,
or zumba -
I really enjoy the time I spend working out.
It's time I can mentally wrestle with God.
Talking things over.
And completely immerse myself in my mind -
all while still be super productive!
Today I ran 7 miles on the elliptical and burned 450 calories.
For my first time in the actual weight room, I'd deem that a success.
All in all, thanks God for exercise.
For muscles.
For the ability to run and jump and soar.
It's really enjoyable.

Springtime

Today I'm dreaming about Springtime.
Of birds chirping.
Of napping while wearing socks,
with the light breeze ruffling the curtains.
Today I'm dreaming of Springtime.
Of green grass and sunshine.
Of laughter and spring break.
Of no cares and no coat.
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