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A Deep Thirst

My life is like a desert.
I've been here for years,
and I haven't been able to swallow since day one.
I've tried so hard to quench that thirst.
I've tried the lemon juice of popularity.
The coffee of boys.
The tea of friends.
The gatorade of doing the right things.
The powerade of appearing perfect.
But in the end, while some may,
on the surface, seem to satisfy -
I'm still left with a deep thirst.
Only the Living Water can satisfy my desire.
Only the Living Water can quench my deep thirst.
Satisfaction comes only through Christ,
not through the dehydrating liquids of this world.

Trust

I've been learning lately that trusting God isn't easy.
You'd think it would be,
I mean - who doesn't want the creator of the world in charge of their lives?
He obviously knows what's best.

Trusting God is easier in the good times.
When I'm happy, when all the world is right and good in my eyes -
it's easier for me to say "alright God, you got this."
But it's so easy for me to snatch my life back into my own hands when things go wrong.

The truth is - that isn't trust at all.
That's like telling someone they can drive,
and then the minute their hands touch the wheel making them move to the passenger seat.
That's like telling someone you love them,
But you'll only be married to them every other Tuesday. For an hour.

I think it's hard for me to accept.
That sometimes, bad things happen.
I don't understand - and in some instances, I never will.

When I'm driving through the pouring rain,
and visibility is non-existent,
I need to hand over the wheel.

It's in those moments,
when tragedy strikes,
and you're left speechless.
Holding your friend in your arms,
as she sobs as if the world is ending.
Those are the moments that I realize I can't be in control.
And I don't want to be.
It's in those moments that I realize that I really have to trust God.
Not just halfway, or three quarters,
but 100%.
I have to give him the good and the bad.
And trust that He knows what He's doing.
That someday I might look back and understand why.
But until then to not let myself get shaken by this world.

Perfection

Something God has been teaching me and I've had to reconcile is the fact that I'm not perfect, and I never will be.
Yes, I will strive to be more like God and therefore Holy, which is a part of the sanctification process - but I will not reach that perfect state until I see my Creator's face.
For most people this isn't a big deal.
I mean, duh Aunica, didn't you know? We can't be perfect.
But my whole life I've strived for this goal.
Subconsciously thinking that when I'm perfect, then I will deserve the love of others.
Believing that I can't help others if I'm not whole,
when in fact - God can use my brokenness.
I've had to reconcile to the fact that I may never be whole.
Because of my sin nature and past I will always be broken,
it's how I deal with this brokenness that matters.
Joy comes from the Lord, this I know.
Happiness is a choice.
Joy is a command.
I will always have to rely on God's strength.
I will never be able to do it on my own.
I will never truly be the woman I want to be,
I will instead be the woman God created me to be.
Perfection.
It still hovers over my head as a constant reminder of my inadequacy.
But instead of enslaving me,
it simply reminds me to rely on God's strength and not my own.
Teaching me to constantly give over control to my Father in Heaven.

Maybe this is nothing new for you.
Maybe it is.
I just know that for me, it's life changing.
The fact that I'm not expected to be perfect rattles me to the core,
as my striving slows until I stand still in the presence of the Lord.
I'm not perfect.
I'm nowhere near perfection.
I never will be.
God's love isn't conditional.
It doesn't act upon the level of perfection,
the number of times you quote bible verses in a day,
or the times you go to church instead of sleeping in.
God's love is unconditional.
I'm not a slave to perfection anymore.
Instead, I quote the bible because I want to and by the promptings of the Spirit.
I go to church because I desire to learn about God.
It's not an obligation, it's a desire.

God uses broken vessels for His glory.
His power can be magnified through my weaknesses.
When I am weak, He is strong.
So basically - He's always strong.
I'm always weak.
He's in control.
I'm not.
He loves me even when I'm not perfect.
Wow.
That might take a few days to process.
Or a lifetime.
Truly unconditional love.
Our God is WAY too good.
I am so unworthy, but He loves me anyways.


Ephesians 1:4
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

Love, Hearts, and Chalky Candy

When you love someone, you want to get to know them better - to reach the depths of their heart. To see where their passions and desires lie.
So tomorrow will be spent diving into the depths of God's heart.
Where does His heart lie?
What makes Him smile?
What makes Him sad?
Jesus dates are the best - especially on the day we celebrate love!

1 John 4:18 --> There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Empathy

Jesus. The ultimate Empathizer.
He didn't have to come and experience the pain of this world,
He could have saved us in a different way.
But our God is a personal God.
So He sent His son to be persecuted in this world.
To go through the trials of this life.
To be able to understand our pain.
And He is victorious.
He overcame the world.
He understands.
Hebrews 2:18 -"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Working Out

There's something about exercising that just helps clear your head.
I really truly love the feeling of blood pumping through my veins,
music in my ears,
and an hour to kill.
Whether it be kickboxing,
running,
the elliptical,
or zumba -
I really enjoy the time I spend working out.
It's time I can mentally wrestle with God.
Talking things over.
And completely immerse myself in my mind -
all while still be super productive!
Today I ran 7 miles on the elliptical and burned 450 calories.
For my first time in the actual weight room, I'd deem that a success.
All in all, thanks God for exercise.
For muscles.
For the ability to run and jump and soar.
It's really enjoyable.

Springtime

Today I'm dreaming about Springtime.
Of birds chirping.
Of napping while wearing socks,
with the light breeze ruffling the curtains.
Today I'm dreaming of Springtime.
Of green grass and sunshine.
Of laughter and spring break.
Of no cares and no coat.

DESIGN (:

http://bugraphicdesign.posterous.com/collage-43204

Adventures in graphic design.
My first time using Illustrator.
It was a big day.

The first typography is the letter Mr. Darcy writes Elizabeth in Pride & Prejudice.
The second is Psalm 27 (my favorite psalm).
The third is a poem I wrote recently.

Nobody's Perfect

Perfection.
It's something I've strived for since before I can remember.
A burden I've carried from a young age.
Never happy with any of my work.
Never content with what I've done,
only seeing the improvements to be made.

Today God lifted that burden.
He showed me that it's okay to be broken.
It's okay to not be okay.
It's okay to be sad.
To be upset.
To be hurting.

In reality - we live in a broken world,
full of broken people.
And I'm one of them.
As a Christian, my life isn't perfect.
In fact, a lot of the time it feels like it's anything but that.

It's not that as Christians our lives will be easy.
It's not that as a Christian my life will be all sunshine and flowers.
We go through struggles. We go through hardships. We go through trials.
It's how we react and deal with those situations that matters.
We might not always be happy, but we can find Joy through the cross.

I'm not the mistakes I've made.
I'm not my past.
I'm not the things that have happened to me.
My desire is that when people see me,
they won't see Aunica.
My desire is that they'll see my Father.
That through me, they'll see a part of my Savior.
The reason for my Joy.
That through the cracks in my heart,
He'll shine through.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 -->
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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