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Dear Men

Dear Men,
Women are different. In case you didn't already know this, we are. I'm writing this to hopefully shed light on some things that you might not already know about us.

Men lust physically, women lust emotionally. While you (from what I'm told) lust after a women for sex, we lust after men to fulfill our emotional needs. Now this is not ALWAYS the case, but frequently when talking to boys, or after we talk to them, we imagine what it would be like to date them. To talk to them. To get to know them. And, after a few seconds, we imagine what it'd be like to marry them. How we'd interact. What we'd name our kids. What color our house would be, etc.
As women we want to be known. We want to be cherished. We want to be loved. We desire emotional attachment. So, while it's not as obvious, we lust too. Chick flicks play on this by painting a picture of love that seems perfect. They play with our hearts, tempting us and leading us to desire love even more by the end. Sometimes, even leading to physical heartache at the lack of love life that we may possess at that given time. Romance novels are in the same boat.
 This isn't to say that women don't lust physically as well. It can be a struggle from time to time, it just isn't to the same level that you do.
We give our hearts away way too easily, so be gentle.

Help us: Now that you know, how can you help? Be careful with how you interact with us. Pursue if you're going to pursue, and be very up front about just being friends if that's what it is. We over analyze everything. Be intentional. Be careful with how much time you spend with us. Just be up front with your intentions. We appreciate it. Respect us. Don't flirt unless you mean it. Pray for us, as we pray for you. Be humble when it comes to your bodies. We admire men who are fit, but don't flaunt it.

That girl you're talking to? She's someone else's wife.

Battles

Amidst my joy and growth, satan continues to press his attacks.
Last night, while trying to sleep, the attack began.
My month and a half of growth was one where his voice ceased to have any hold on me, but as I get back in the swing of things - it's once again difficult at times to remember where my identity lies.
I cling to the cross as the battle rages on.
I fall to my knees, praying that the Lord will give me strength.
Be my strength. Be my fortress. Be my protector, Lord.
As I moment by moment pray for the armor of God, He provides.
He is good. He is faithful. He will not leave me in this battle to fend for myself.
While the battle is raging, the victory is already won. In the end, Jesus wins.
Satan is vanquished. Sin has no hold. Death loses its grip.
But, in the twisted and fallen world we live in, the battle rages on.
I moment by moment have to fight to keep my eyes on Christ as satan threatens to fill my head with lies that will drown me.
Lord, help me. Fight for me, Father.
As I fight with the Lord's strength, slowly the deceiver's lies slide off of me with less effect.
When my eyes are focused on Him, the lies have less hold.
I believe them less when my heart is rooted in the person of Christ.

I belong to Yahweh.
Greater is He who lives in me.

Those are the phrases I'm clinging to. Lord, hear my cry.

Deep Love & Bubbling Joy

I want everyone to experience this.
Freedom.
I've never been so free in my life.
I've never been so aware of my sin nature, but never have I been able to use it to point me to God and draw me deeper into an understanding of His grace.

I can't contain this. Whenever I think about God's love and grace, I start giggling or crying - usually with no control.
I probably look like a freak. That girl who's crying during worship again. That girl who's giggling into her scarf. But I don't care. It's because of Jesus that I am filled to the brim with joy that bubbles over.
Every night I fall asleep smiling, cradled in the arms of my Savior. Each morning I wake up to the renewal of new mercies and grace - a new day to love my sweet Jesus. A new day to learn about Him. New opportunities to relish in the beauty of what He's done for me.
I hate that i missed this for so long. I hate that so many Christians live under the heavy burden of works based righteousness instead of the freedom of grace.
I hate that we miss the point. I hate that we make our walk with Christ about us and what we can do instead of focusing on what He's already done.
Christ is sufficient. There is nothing I can do to add to the gospel. There is nothing I can give Him that he doesn't already have. Nothing I do can make Him love me any more or less.
I revel in the beauty of His grace. I bubble over with the Joy that comes only from Him. I'm amazed by His grace daily, and dumb founded by His love for me.
All I want to do is praise Him. All I want to do is talk about what He's done.
I understand so much more the urgency of the gospel, when before I felt I was subjecting people to a life of struggle and chains I now understand that those chains were of my own creation. Christianity isn't following the rules and being good; going to church and reading my bible for 10 minutes a day; Christianity is falling deeper in love with Christ each daily and waking up in the blessing of His grace and mercy. Christianity is living in the freedom that It is Finished.
The battle is won. We are victorious through Christ.
I no longer live under the chains of pharisaic legalism, but in the freedom of the cross.
In daily looking to Christ and seeing Him in His glory, and wanting desperately to know Him more.
Instead of viewing reading my bible and praying as a burden, I long for it. I long for daily communion with my Jesus. I revel in my conversations with Him. I live each moment connected to Him, abiding in Him moment by moment. I desire to read my bible because i gain a deeper understand of who God is. It's no longer just a check on my list. It's no longer a burden. It's no longer something I do to appear holy, it's something I do for the joy of knowing who my Jesus is - the joy of growing deeper in my understanding of the God I love deeply and serve.

I am loved deeply and cherished by the Creator. I get to participate in His plan. I am eternally and deeply blessed. My gratitude can't even begin to be expressed. I daily struggle for words to describe the works and transformations He is doing in my heart - I can only say that He is good, and that daily I fall deeper in love with Him. May I live long that I may grow to know Him more and then be welcomed into His embrace.

Let's talk about Love

Life is better when you love Jesus.

In the past month I've been completely swept off my feet by the love of Christ.
It's dumbfounding. It's awe inspiring. It takes my breath away.
Every morning is brighter.
Every smile is bigger.
Every moment is more exciting.
Every conversation has more meaning.
Every restful moment is spent talking to Him.
I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't sleep.
I need Jesus. Daily. Moment by moment.
I look back on the the past 19 years and wonder how I missed this.
How, when it was so close, I missed the most important piece of the gospel. Jesus.
Either way, I learned a lot of lessons and probably understand it on a deeper level after going through the fire.

Gratitude.
I'm humbled by the opportunity to wake up each morning and be loved by Christ.
To fall asleep in His arms.
To spend the day talking to Him.
To know that He cares.
That everything my little girl heart desired and longed for I have in Christ.

With Valentines day coming around,
I'm reminded of the deep love and affection I have in Christ.
I'm more content than I've ever been.
I have the peace of the world.
I have love that can move mountains.
I know Love Himself.
I am deeply cherished and adored by the Creator of the Universe - the One who made whales and crickets. Stars and blades of grass. Warm summer nights and chocolate chip cookies.

I'm freed by His love.
Free to be weak.
Free to be vulnerable.
Free to giggle.
Free to cry.
Free to be a gentle and soft.
Free to be the woman God created me to be.

Tonight, I talked to God about my failures, my shortcomings, and my weaknesses - and instead of hearing the legalistic condemnation I've heard from myself for my entire life, I heard the deep calm voice of God telling me that "It is finished" - the victory has been won. Jesus was strong for me.
God's love is unconditional. Nothing I do, no matter how much I mess up, will make Him love me any less. Instead of the panicked works-based lifestyle I've lived up until now, I'm finding the peace and rest that comes from knowing that God is in control. That I can trust Him wholeheartedly. He will never leave me - He is faithful.

Lord, make my heart like Yours.

Thump Thump

In the past week God has been revealing parts of His heart to me that I've longed to experience, but haven't before.
I wish I could stay in these moments, hours, or days when the beating of His heart overtakes any small thumps that could be heard from my own. These are the moments when my heart aches for His people. When my soul longs and pleads for their salvation. These are the moments I forget to breathe, and maybe, for a few moments, my heart syncs with His.
Moments when my eyes see the pain and the heartache that others experience, and the love that God has for them in their suffering. Moments when I see the futility in living for anything other than Christ. Moments when I see that my hope truly rests completely in Jesus.
As I'm overcome by the beauty and insanity that is grace, I'm deeply pained that so many people will never experience what I experience. They'll never know the embrace of Yahweh. They'll never call God their Abba. They won't spend hours and countless nights cradled in the arms of their heavenly Father. As God's heart yearns for His people, my heart burns for them. For those who wander through this life seeking to fill a void they'll never understand.
My heart breaks for those who will never understand the true joy that comes only from knowing Jesus.
As I lay here unable to sleep, my cry is that somehow, God would allow me to be used to bring understanding to people, and that I would trust deeply in His sovereignty. God is good. God is in control. He knows what He's doing.

Use me, Father. Teach me, Abba. Save your people, Yahweh.

It's 12:34 am, and I'm wide awake

Letting go. Oh man. Those words are so hard for me to even read.
I'm definitely a planning person. I like organization.
I'm laying awake right now struggling to sleep because I'm already planning out when I'll workout, what I'll eat, and when I'll spend time with Jesus this semester. Oh boy.
Control. Control. Control.
I like to know. I'd like to know what I'll be doing this summer. I'd like to know if things will fall into place to study abroad next semester. I'd like to know if the boy I think is cool realizes I exist.
I found myself asking God to reveal these things to me a few moments ago. Pleading that He'd give me an inkling of an idea. I'm so prone to worry. I'm so prone to fear.
I'm learning and relearning that I really, really need to just trust God. I need to step back, take a deep breath, and give things over to my Father. My Abba has my best in mind. He knows the desires of my heart, and my prayer is that those desires are in line with His. I know that He knows what's best.
I just like knowing things. I wish I knew that I'll get married someday. I wish I knew what that man's name was so I could pray for Him specifically. I wish I knew what he's doing right now.
But for now, I have to trust. Trust that, if I don't get married, God is enough. Actually, I KNOW God is enough, it's just something I need to move from my head to my heart.
My dates with Jesus won't stop when I get married. Jesus isn't a stand in for some mortal man.
So, when things are out of my grasp and I have no control, all I can do is pray. Pray that God knows what's best. Pray that He'll give me wisdom in my decisions. Pray for patience and rest in Him. Pray for the men around me - for leadership, for courage, for a deep trust in God. Pray for rest and peace in my relationship with God. He is more than enough.

Today

Today was a good day.
- A new, free study bible for my phone. YES.
- I slept in until 10:30.
- I mapped out and did an hour-long, butt-kicking punching bag workout.
- Robbie Seay's new album is free on noisetrade. Get it. It's SO good.
- I'm going on a sister-date with my sister to panera! Yum!
- Date night with Jesus tonight. There's nothing like a lamp, a quiet house, and unlimited time with my favorite Man. Warm blankets, Romans, and a pen. It's going to be a good night.
- I'm going back to school in two days! AH. I have so much to pack. EEP.

That's all.

Grace & the Depths of Gratitude

I don't really know where to start. I'm not sure if I'll be able to put into words the immense work the Lord has been doing in my heart over the past month. Wow. It's crazy to see Him working in my heart. I can see Him growing me and molding me into the woman He created me to be - what a beautiful, and sometimes painful, process!
Grace. Wow. I grew up thinking I knew what that word meant. "Yeah, yeah, Jesus loves me." Rambling off the Romans road to get stickers and badges in AWANAS, saying the right words to convince my counselors at camp I was saved, and sitting through church on Sundays - all under the assumption that I understood what grace was. I knew that Jesus died for me, but it didn't reach my heart.
Grace. Grace. Grace. Sometimes I just mutter it under my breath to remind myself that it's real. I am free. Free. FREE, I tell you. I'm free from my fears. I'm free to trust in the precious blood of Christ. I'm free to fail. I'm free to fall short. Christ has been victorious!
My heart sings of grace. AMAZING grace! How SWEET the sound! It truly saved a wretch like me. Every day I wake up amazed by grace. I can't wrap my mind around it. It costs me nothing. I'm starting to understand. Instead of just doing things under obligation or law, I do them because of the joy I've found in Christ.
Identity? Christ. My identity comes from all things Jesus. Because Jesus is awesome - I'm awesome. Boom.
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by Jesus' love that i start giggling. Uncontrollably. Until I cry. I think I just don't know how else to express how intense that emotion is?
Wow. I am free indeed. It's all because of Jesus I'm alive. The gospel has a new glow to it. As I realize how much I have yet to learn, I grow excited for the years to come. For more ways that God can grow me. For more ways I can experience grace & peace.
My soul is at rest. I breathe deeply in the arms of Christ. I am deeply loved by the Creator. Yahweh.

I want to shout because You are good. Sing, because You are good. Dance, because You are good - You're so good to me, Lord.

Romans 3:21-26 --->
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference,for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

Romans 5:1-5 --->
 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

 Romans 6:22-23 --->
But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Christmas break. Late night Jesus dates. I'll miss these sweet times of solitude in the presence of my Savior. What a blessing to be cradled by Him during this season at home.

Radical Grace & Incredible Freedom

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
After feeling so dry for so long, I feel like my soul radiating my love for Christ.
There are just seasons when I feel like I can't express enough how much I love Him. All I want to do is talk to Him. All I want to do is learn about Him. All I want to do is bask in His love. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to leave my room, except to share His love with those I'd encounter. Honestly, the love of Christ is second to nothing. Jesus + nothing = everything. He is everything. I need nothing else.
Today is Christmas. First of all, thank-you Lord for sending your Son. What a beautiful gift!
Second of all, I received a book today that I'd been meaning to read for a while: Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. Wow. God is awesome. Yesterday I realized my perception of grace is WAY off, and that I really don't understand it. Today, through this book, God is realigning my views and making me realize how wacked out my thinking was.
I've literally lived my whole walk with Christ so far under self-imposed rules, thinking that somehow if I fulfilled these God would love me more. That while no, I didn't earn my salvation through works - somehow I thought I needed to do good works in order to keep it.
The thought that, to me, grace is free is just mind-blowing. I can't comprehend it. It doesn't compute. What? I don't have to pay anything? And more importantly, there's absolutely nothing I could do even if I needed to in order to deserve this radical grace.
Grace wasn't costless - no, it cost God much. But to me, to us, it's free. The cost of following Christ is much different, while not completely free - the joy that accompanies it is worth far more than anything it could cost.
Joy. Unspeakable joy. It overwhelms my soul. I can't put into words how I feel right now. Peace? Rest? Deeper than that. Like I've been wandering for a long, long time - and I'm finally home. Home in the arms of Christ.
Legalism is something I hide behind because I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid to give God control. I'm afraid that, if I give grace free reign that I'll take advantage of it. Do I not trust God enough to know that He's in control? Who am I to think that by putting rules and regulations upon myself that I'll tame this wild grace He's given us, that somehow it's up to me to make sure grace stays within its bounds? Maybe grace IS supposed to run free. Isn't God powerful enough to control it?
It's not about my behavior or "rule following", it's not whether or not I live up to all the commandments, but it's about my heart. Where is my heart? Am I deeply satisfied in Christ?
My legalism this semester has sucked all the joy out of my relationship with Christ. It's crazy to look back and see that now, because it wasn't evident then.
I am free. I am free from the bonds of legalism. I don't have to follow the rules. In fact, I can't. I. Am. Free. Free to strive after Christ. To seek Him, not rules. Free to be joyful. Free.

"Because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak;
Because Jesus won for me, I was free to lose;
Because Jesus was someone, I was free to be no one;
Because Jesus was extraordinary, I was free to be ordinary;
Because Jesus succeeded for me, I was free to fail."
--> Tullian Tchividjan, Jesus + Nothing = Everything
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