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A Long List of Things I Enjoy

Things I've learned that I like:
- Green
- The outdoors
- Creation
- Trees
- Grass
- Shiny Silver things
- Healthy food
- Exercising
- Walking
- Driving
- Praying
- Spending time with God
- Sunrises
- Sunsets
- Coffee
- Water
- Whole wheat things
- Grilled Chicken
- Animals
- Zoos
- Conservatories
- Reading
- Drawing
- Any sort of historical art/ buildings
- Writing
- Sleeping
- Volleyball/ Basketball
- Chalk
- Riding bicycles
- Hearing the birds chirping
- Singing
- Listening to music
- Dancing
- Spring
- Fall
- Being warm
- Beaches
-Building sand castles
- Laughing
- Sunglasses
- Warm weather with wind
- Flowers
- Natural lighting
- Being busy
- Cooking
- Baking
- Cleaning
- Having a clean room
- Letters
- Scarves
- Cardigans
- Jeans that are long enough
- Freshly painted nails
- Rings
- Laying in the grass
- Making shapes out of clouds
- Sticky Notes
- Scissors
- Construction paper
- Sharpies
- Projects
- Writing papers
- Sugary Candy {Sour patch kids, sprees, mike & ikes - you know, the ones you can TELL are bad for you?}
- Fruit
- Thinly sliced lunch meat
- Homemade bread
- Cookies
- Lakes
- Not having a schedule
- Having a schedule
- Either having a packed schedule or no schedule at all
- Organizing things
- Being organized
- Bright colors
- Dull colors
- Colors in general
- French Vanilla Lattes
- On occasion, chocolate
- Watching movies
- Old buildings (I really like old buildings)
- Beautiful architecture
- Talking with friends
- Listening
- Giving advice
- Boots
- Clean socks
- Brushing my teeth
- Flossing
- Cocoa Butter Lotion
- Being spontaneous
- Planning things
- Decorating

Random Thoughts & Future Plans

Decision making.
Not. A. Fan.
As I've been delving into the  depths of my soul these past couple weeks, I think I know where this particular phobia comes from. Growing up I was told I was manipulative, so as a kid I believed that was true. Thus, I've always thought that if I cared either way, I'd somehow subconsciously manipulate people into doing what i wanted. So I've reached the point in my life where I actually don't know what I like to do, who I am, and I can never make decisions.
So great, right?
So if anyone knows of a life-decider that could follow me around, give me the statistics as far as the outcome of situations go, and tell me what to do in every possible situation, I'd be much obliged.

The current decision crisis is this:
What do I do with my life?
Do I want to be a house wife because that's what the US has told me?
Do I want to live in the US?
Do I want to major in intercultural studies or design?
What do I even like to do?
After a month out of an art class I've realized that I actually really miss it.
I love walking around the MIA, and i really just like art in general.
I think it was something I had to realize on my own, though. Not because people have told me I'm good at it, but because I actually want to do it.
So at this moment I'll be a design student at NWC in the fall.
Transferring there is non-negotiable. I really like it there, a lot.
So I'm excited!
Who knows what I'll do with design - illustrate? Design? Who knows?
But something I realized yesterday was that just because I'm a design major doesn't mean I have to stay in the office. I can do design anywhere I please. I could sit at a park and work. That'd be great! Or at a coffee shop!
And a few things God has definitely layed on my heart are: Lukewarm Christians (easier found in the USA than abroad), girls who are going through similar things that I've gone through (mentoring - also easier in the USA), and the crisis that is our middle age complacency (if I live in the US, instead of running away from my fear, God can use it).
In the long run, I don't have to major in missions to do that if I decide to do it later on. So I think I'll do design. And possibly stay in the US. And find a job that in the early years lets me travel a lot.
Then, I could also lead a bible study or be reaching out to other women. A new generation of house wives - those who love the Lord and desire to grow our children with the same desire to serve Him.
Perfect.
So there we have it.
Aunica has made a decision.

Restoration & Redemption

My heart is a house.
People have smoked in it until the wallpaper starts to peel.
Dogs have relieved themselves on its carpet.
It's been broken into,
stolen from,
abandoned,
and set on fire
until it hardly resembles a house at all.
It's been rented, but never bought,
and now it's been foreclosed on.
It's been rampaged,
pictures from childhood torn down the middle
and dolls torn apart.
Then one day, a buyer comes along.
He looks at the house and says "I'll take it"
the relator opens his mouth, but no words come out.
You see, this buyer? He's the King.
And my heart is just a run-down shack in the middle of nowhere.
"But-but sir! It's not liveable! I mean, the place can hardly stand! It's support is weak and it could fall in on itself with just one gust of wind!"
The King repeats his earlier words "I said, I'll take it."
The salesman names the price.
The King scoffs. "That's much too low."
He offers 4 times the price.
The relator once again just open and closes his mouth,
closely resembling a fish.
He gulps, then nods. This time knowing not to question the King's decision.
The King smiles.
Instead of peeling wallpaper and broken glass, He sees the house the way the architect intended it to be.
In place of the dim light bulbs and creaking stairs, He sees chandeliers and spiral staircases.
You see - He loves that house.
Restoration is a process, and sometimes it hurts.
It's not an easy or painless process - there will be hardships and set backs.
But the King wants to restore your heart - He wants to make it how the architect intended it to be.
He finds beauty in our brokenness.

Psalm 103

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 6 The LORD works righteousness
   and justice for all the oppressed.
 7 He made known his ways to Moses,
   his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
   he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
   and remember to obey his precepts.
 19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
   and his kingdom rules over all.
 20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
   you mighty ones who do his bidding,
   who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
   you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
   everywhere in his dominion.
   Praise the LORD, O my soul.

{What a beautiful reminder of God's love!}

Fairy Tales, Castles, and Happily Ever After

I feel like a newly wed.
Basking in the comfort and reliability of true love.
I can't stop smiling.
When I think about Him, I get butterflies.
I want to sing and dance with Him.
I want to talk to Him late into the night.
I want to sit and drink coffee and just pour out my heart to Him.
I want to watch sunrises.
I want to go on walks.
I want to watch movies.
I want to tell everyone about Him,
and the depth of His love for me.
Oh, Jesus, the depth of my love for you is great.
I want to be in this honeymoon stage for the rest of my life.
No complacent love for this girl,
just experiencing life together.
Wrestling with life's hardships together.
And finding Joy in the trials.
Knowing that someday,
He'll whisk me away to His castle,
and we'll have happily ever after.

True Love

All little girls dream of their true love.
When one day, in whatever circumstance -
her prince will come and whisk her away.
To a castle,
to riches,
to beautiful dresses,
and to true love.
He'll hold her in his arms,
and they'll live happily ever after.

Something I've come to realize is that no human boy can ever fulfill this fantasy.
Because the true love space in my heart is already taken.
Jesus will whisk me away.
Someday, when my life on earth is over,
and I've endured the hardships of this world -
He will take me to Heaven -
THE most beautiful castle.
I'll find riches in the presence of the Lord.
Because in heaven, all of our earthly things won't matter.
There won't be any more pain.
No more sin.
And best of all, we get to worship for the rest of eternity.
We'll get to kneel in the presence of our Savior,
and worship Him - in His presence.
If that isn't happily ever after, I don't know what is.

My Fortress

As I've been delving into the painful depths of my life,
I've come to realize that I've grown up believing a lot of lies.
Lies that satan whispered in my ear as a little girl.
"You're not pretty. You're father doesn't love you. You'll never add up to anything. You'll always be a failure. You see how your friend left you? Everyone will always abandon you. You're not worth their time. No one cares what you have to say. If you talk about yourself, people will run away."
And so many more.
And as a little girl, I believed these lies.
Until, as an older girl, they became truths.
As I dived into the Word, I began to realize that some of these just didn't add up.
I'm not pretty? But I was made in God's image.
My dad doesn't love me? But God is my father, and His love is perfect and never failing.
I'll never add up to anything? But God made me with a purpose.
I'll always be abandoned? But God will never leave me nor forsake me.
But as much as I wanted to believe these truths, the lies still had deep roots in my heart.
"You have to be strong. Crying is a sign of weakness. You can't give him the power he'll get if he sees you cry."
So I stopped crying, and honestly haven't really cried since I was a little girl.
But that's not okay, because instead of shielding myself and being strong - I should have run to God.
The Lord is my strength and my fortress, He's a strong rock.
But instead, parts of my little girl heart hardened.
And bitterness took root and I was forced to grow up too fast.
Pain lodged it's way deeper and deeper into my heart with every blow.
Every word that was screamed at me was reinforced with those lying whispers from the deceiver.
It's a process.
You can't just pluck the bud off of the weed and pretend it's gone.
Because truthfully, the roots are still in the ground - and unless you mow every day, they're going to come back.
You have to pull out all the roots, which takes time - and strength.
Strength that I don't have, this strength can only come from God.
When I am weak, He is strong.
And little by little, the roots are coming out.
And new roots, the roots of truth, are encircling my heart.
These whispers come with a different voice, while not always in the way I would expect.
Sometimes they come in the fire, sometimes in the wind.
But they come, and they curl around me.
Enveloping me in love, instead of pain.
Joy, instead of sorrow.
Hope, instead of despair.
These words come from the Truth Himself, and the deceiver has no place in my heart anymore.
As his roots are removed, I can almost hear him screaming in rage.
But instead of having to defend myself and be strong,
I can smile and run back into my Father's protective arms.
He is my protector.

Warm Memories

Today was just crazy.
Not only did I have an insanely amazing morning,
but God continued to show me His hand of blessing throughout the day.
The words in my mind everytime I started to worry were "I'm the beloved of the King"
and those worries and cares of the world just passed by.
Oh, what Joy I found in the peace of knowing that all that mattered today was Jesus.
Shouldn't every day be that way?
Instead of worrying about getting my homework done,
I just smiled - and looked at it as an opportunity instead of a task.
Instead of stressing about getting to night class on time -
I just smiled, and knew that as long as I didn't stall,
I'd be just fine.
God held me in His arms today, and I could feel the warmth of His embrace with every step I took.
I'm pretty sure if you saw me today, I looked ridiculous.
I was glowing. Smiling. Spinning.
Mmm. To love the Creator of the world is a beautiful thing!
What's even better is that His love is different than the broken love we see here on earth.
So, so different.
I've been going through my past this last week,
and dealing with pain that I've pushed away for years -
bringing it back up has been no parade -
but they're emotions and things I need to deal with before I can move on and live each day for that day.
So I've been thinking a lot. Dwelling. Wrestling.
Talking to God. Crying out to Him, why did this happen, Lord?
But today He gave me peace.
After a week of torment and pain - to the point where I couldn't sleep because my heart hurt so much,
God pulled me out of the depths and into His embrace.
He took my wounded and bleeding heart, and stitched it up.
Then He poured His love into it, warming it to the core.
Oh, the scar tissue I've had to work through to try to get to the core this last week -
but I knew that if I didn't work through my deep brokenness, I'd never have a chance to be repaired. To be made whole.
So I pushed through it, with God's help, and I'm learning to forgive and move on.
A book I'm reading (Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge) says that forgiving isn't saying it didn't matter or that I deserved it anyways, but it's a way to acknowledge that it hurt me deeply, it was wrong, but that I've released them and given it to God.
So that's where I'm at.
With my new stitched up heart,
filled to the brim with the perfect love that only comes from my True Love.
I pray that each day I can keep my focus on God,
that every day I can wake up and know that I am God's beloved.
I am a daughter of the King.
And that I have the peace that passes all understanding.

Restoration. Rejuvenation. Redemption.

I don't even know where to start.
I literally just had the best morning of my life,
if not at least in the top 10




 Last night I was talking to God - pouring out my heart,
telling Him all my struggles.
He told me to get up early and watch the sunrise with Him.
"But  God, it's SO early! I don't have class until 1?
Can't I just talk to you at 11?"
Finally I sighed and agreed to get up at (gulp) 7:25 to watch the sun rise.



 My goodness. It was breathe taking.
To sit in silence with the Creator of the world,
listening to the birds sing,
watching this glowing orb rise from behind the trees,
lighting up everything in existence.
Oh, the beauty of Creation!
God whispered to my heart,
"isn't it beautiful? Isn't it breathe taking? Isn't it splendid?"
And I nodded, no words could describe this moment.


 My heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. All was silent and peaceful in the world.
Then God told me.
"Look at it. I created it all. For you to delight in. But the best thing of all - is you. You are beautiful because I created you, you are beautiful because I made you in my image - look at the birds, you are even more lovely than them. I delight in you, my beautiful daughter, I delight in your happiness and your splendor. Because you are my adopted child, and I created you to represent my beauty on earth. You, my child, are breath taking as well."



My heart stopped for the second time. I took a deep breath. Wow.
God is good. The things I've been trying to teach myself, to find my worth in Christ, He spoke to me in that quiet moment. When all the world was still, and it was truly just Me and God.







 Seriously. Best. Morning. Ever. Coffee, God, a blanket, 30+ degree weather with no snow in January, a field all of my own to watch the sun rise, my bible, and a smile.


I felt God's smile this morning. Through the sun, the trees, the birds, and the gentle breeze.
I felt His power in His gentleness.
I felt His love in the warmth He gave me through the sun.




I'm smitten. I'm head over heels in love with the Lord.
I can't wipe this stupid grin off of my face.
I can't stop shaking.
My heart is beating a thousand miles an hour.
God loves me.
I am a child of God.
And I am beautiful in His sight.





WOW.

The song that popped into my head this morning was an old hymn.
So I sat in my field and sang to the Lord.
"Then sings my soul, my savior God to thee - how Great Thou art, how Great thou art!"
Wow. What an opportunity. To Praise the Lord with all Creation! To watch the world wake up, to watch everything come to life.

He truly restored my heart this morning.
I'd been struggling all week with past pain and trying to forgive and move past things that I'd pushed down for so long - the Lord restores.
He stitched up my broken and aching heart this morning, and filled it to the brim with His warm love and truth.

I feel like a newly wed. I'm glowing.
I can't stop smiling.
I want to laugh, cry, or anything to somehow express the depth of my love for my Savior.

I talked to God in my field this morning.
Expressing my gratitude.
The depth of my sorrow for my sin,
and my unworthiness at my chance to spend the morning in His presence.
Wow. What a morning.

Sometimes I sat in silence, sometimes I read His word, sometimes I just threw my head back and laughed - filled with the Joy that only God's love can provide. Oh my, I was so blessed by the Lord this morning.

I want to just run around campus and hug everyone. To shake those that are hurting and tell them the troubles of this world don't matter because Jesus loves us! To dance with those who are joyful because the joy of the Lord is just that wonderful.


Oh Lord, how I love thee.

I read 2 Samuel and Romans.
So, so good.

"The Joy of the Lord, is my strength."

Just a few passages that stuck out this morning:
Romans 8:15-17
Romans 8:32-39 -- NOTHING can seperate me from His love. Nothing can take this away from me. "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand."
Romans 11:33-36 --To Him be the glory forever!
Romans 12:10-17
Romans 12:21
Romans 13:11-14
Romans 14:4
Romans 14:7-8
Romans 14:21-23

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
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