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Purple Elephants and Pink Forks

Random thoughts of the day:
A) God uses broken people.
I'm broken.
I'm a person.
And I don't have to be perfect for God to use me.
In fact, He uses my brokenness to better relate and reach out to others.
B) Jesus loves me.
Mmm.
Some days it just clicks, you know?
The sun is shining, the day is new and bright, I got 8 hours of sleep -
And Jesus loves me.
I'm am SO blessed!
C) I am cherished.
God loves me,
He always has.
He always will.
D) The struggles of this world dull in comparison to God's glory.
When you look out the window and the sun is shining,
and it's warm and you think -
God is in control.
And He made a beauuuutiful world.
SO good!

A Woman's Deepest Desire

Even as a little girl,
in our princess gowns
and tiaras
we want our daddy to say those magic words:
You're lovely!
You're beautiful!
You're cherished!
But for many of us,
those words don't come.
We wonder what we did wrong
We wonder what we can do right
and we spend the rest of our lives
trying to gain that love from our fathers
As the years wear on,
and our daddys grow even more distant
we realize that this dream may not be achieveable
so we search in the world for the love that we lacked in our childhood
we try being beautiful
having the perfect body
living up to the media's expectations
we try finding love in boys
but the boys that we go to for love,
aren't the kind that give it out
we search all over
through our jobs
through our friends
until we give up
and hide
beneath baggy clothes
lots of makeup
frizzy hair
and a bag of chocolate
we hide our true selves
the being that God created
we hide her, because she's been hurt so many times by the world
the world doesn't deserve to know her
and you don't want to be hurt again
so you hide her away
locking your heart behind steel bars
and throwing away the key
if you're distant, no one can get to you -
so you don't get hurt
if you don't get too personal at work -
no one can hurt you
if you don't grow and put work into relationships -
no one can leave you, so you don't get hurt
it begins a cycle of hiding
and fear
that spirals downwards,
until the girl we initially locked away -
we don't even recognize.
That was who I was?
I was lovely?
I was beautiful?
I was cherished?
Until we break down.
The good news is - this story doesn't have to end badly.
As women we have a choice.
To turn to God, our Heavenly Father with the perfect love,
and He tells us:
You are beautiful!
You are cherished!
You are lovely!
At this broken point in our lives, we often look to him and wonder:
Why?
He smiles and tells us:
You're created in my image.
You are my daughter.
And I love you - I will never leave you, nor forsake you.
He picks up our broken being,
and craddles us close -
as the little girl inside of us always dreamed.
Being cherished by our Father.
At last, our heart's deepest desire has been fulfilled.
We are loved.
We are lovely.
We are cherished.
And we are beautiful - because God created us in His image.

Freedom!

{I'm called to be free.}

Setting the Captives Free -- Bondage
Ivan Veldhuizen

-bondage keeps us from ever becoming who God has planned us to become

-bondage keeps us from impacting our world, influencing others, and giving God the glory that He deserves.

-the very nature of bondage is that we get gripped, bound up more and more - we can't win over bondage in our own strength

-Jesus CAN set me free

-Do you think Jesus came and died on a cross and is ineffective in setting you free?

{Don't doubt the power of God}

-Jesus waits to set you free - he waits until you want him to set you free

-He will not force you to be set free - He works according to your wishes and heart's desire

-We often settle for a defined bondage over an undefined freedom
--- we so often, especially in bondage, would rather keep an awful life that we know than step into something that will be better that we don't know

-"He set me free because I came to the end of myself"

-To stay free: be engaged in Kingdom purposes

-We can't just be set free and continue living for ourself, we are set free so we can live for His purpose

<----| Scripture: Romans 6, Galatians 5 |---->

Freedom through Christ!

Romans 6

Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ
 1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.  5 If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7 because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
 8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10 The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
 11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.
Slaves to Righteousness
 15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16 Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.  19 I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.

Struggles, Vulnerability, and Resolutions

 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 -- Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

As many of you know,
I struggle with body image.
In the past couple months I've reached a new low. Control is the deep idol I've been wrestling with, the surface idol being body image. You see, this idol comes up in different ways. After I think I have my focus right, my eyes are opened to the new way this idol is appearing in my life. Honestly, it makes me sick to my stomach. As of right now it's official - I have an eating disorder. Oh, the humility in admitting that. In health class they only show you the extremes. The girls who are all bones. What they don't show you is that it's a process. Those girls don't just wake up one day and look like that, it's a choice over a long period of time. A mental state, really. Control idol. Senior year first semester it was in my weight - constantly weighing myself to see if I'd lost anything and then living that day based on that number. 2nd semester I thought I was finished with that, but my control idol in my image came up in my exercise. I worked out every day for at least an hour, and if I didn't I was super upset and felt overweight. This semester - eating. I reached the point during finals week where all I'd eat all day was a banana. I've reached the point where I can convince myself I'm not hungry by repeating "I'm so full" in my head 10 times. I've reached the point where I sleep in so I don't have to eat breakfast, then my food for the rest of the day consists of yogurt, a banana, and a small portion of whatever is for supper that night. The scary thing is - I eat around other people. I eat around my family. I eat around my friends. So no one would know until it gets further down the road. I've never thought I was skinny. I've never been able to look in the mirror and see anything but the fat on my hips or the pudge on my stomach. Being over 6 foot and a girl, it's hard not having anyone to compare yourself with to reassure yourself that you're at a healthy size. It's hard to always be surrounded by girls that are smaller than you, and always feeling like a giant.
Man, does it make me sick to admit that. It's a daily battle. Admitting I have a problem is the first step, the second is to make a change.
I struggled with pride this semester as well, and through this God has definitely humbled me. The fact that I'm as weak as a baby - I can't even feed myself! - has humbled me beyond belief and really shed light on my brokenness. Through this I've realized that I have a lot of deep pain that I've never dealt with. I don't have control in a lot of areas of my life, so by restricting my eating I find control.
I have an unhealthy fear of food and getting fat. I have an unhealthy view of my body. The fact that I could recite what I've eaten in the last month is sickening, and really shows the depth of the issue.
I know one thing for sure - I am SO, so weak. The good news is - God is strong. And I will definitely be relying on His strength in this. He has given me a great support system and hopefully it'll only be a matter of time before I'm back to normal.
My prayer is that through my openness and honesty - God can use my weakness for His strength.
If anyone is dealing with this at all - feel free to talk to me about it! I'm very open about my struggled, and I'd love to be able to help in any way possible.
I know this post might make it seem like my world is falling and that everything is bad, but God is still good - and He's been teaching me SO much. I can't even begin to show the depths of my gratitude for His loving faithfulness, mercy, and grace - which He's extended to me constantly this year. My resolution for this year is to praise God - in trials, in joy, and through pain - Praise the Lord, for He is good - and He is in control.
Today many people with resolve to eat less, exercise, and get in shape - my resolution is to eat more. To be healthy. To honor God with my body, because my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 -- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated!

James 5: 13-16 --Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Thoughts

Mmm.
God is good.
Peace comes with relief.
Hugs are wonderful.
Even when you're broken,
and I mean - falling to pieces.
When I'm a lamp that's fallen off the table one too many times,
when I'm a glass that's crashed to the ground -
and I fear that my cracks are too much,
that the pieces of my being will never be the same.
I realize that there's a super glue that can fix me.
God.
He fills my cracks,
and makes beauty out of my pain and shortcomings.
I'm just super overwhelmed by how good He is.
I can't even begin to share.
When I'm struggling,
and just overwhelmed by my weakness -
God shows me His reasoning.
Weaknesses are ways that we can rely on God's strength.
It's a way of cutting down our pride.
They're a reminder that it's not about ME, it's about God.
That even when I am weak, HE is strong.
Mmm. SO goooood!
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, O my soul!
Thanks God for driving time,
when I get the chance to get away -
and just spend those quiet moments in prayer.
Prayer is powerful.
Sin is powerful.
God is more powerful.
In the end - God wins.

Scrambled or Sunny Side Up?

My heart is like an egg
that you put in an incubator
as it warms up slowly
as my feelings grow

My heart is like an egg
that you scrambled
put on a skillet
and mixed around
until it was unrecognizable

My heart is like an egg
that you cracked
as you laughed as the lines
etched their way around
they never did fully heal

My heart is like an egg
that you threw on the ground
that you left laying there
and just walked away

My heart is like an egg
that you left in the 'fridge
for weeks on end
until it smelled,
and you threw it out

Intimate Moments with the Lord

Nostalgia.
I feel this way when I look outside.
When I see the sun.
When I see the sun on the trees.
When I see trees.
Basically anytime I see creation.
I smile.
God smiles.
We smile together.
It's the best way I connect with Him.
Creation.
Oh, how I love the outdoors.
Breathing in clean fresh air and just staring at the beauty that surrounds me.
It's breath-taking.
It's dazzling.
Wow, God, you really knew what you were doing!
I get an overwhelming sense of awe, love, and admiration for my Creator.
I feel like He has His arm around my shoulder,
as He points out different parts of His masterpiece.
"Do you see the grooves in that tree bark?
The way the sun hits that branch and the shadow it casts?
The way the water licks at the side of the river bank, never going past where I tell it to?
The way the world seems peaceful and slow when snow is falling?
Or the way the green grass is like carpet?
I made it first you know - the grass came before carpet!"
Mmm. Intimate moments with God.
Whether they actually happen like that or not, it's the closeness I feel that matters I suppose.
It's the loving embrace.
The nearness.
The knowledge that no matter what's going on,
I can take a deep breath and look outside and be reminded of the Father's love for me.
When I am weak, He is strong. Wow. What a great reminder.

Current State of the Union: Overwhelmed

Christmas is over - and I still have a week left of break.
Emotions are mixed as I realize that:
- a week is a long time
- I have less than a couple hours a day of time not filled
- a week is not enough time to spend with my family

I've come to this conclusion over break: my family is great. God has blessed me with two of the most amazing parents ever. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, and we all have our humanly downfalls - but these people are great. My family is the best. It's so refreshing to be around people who already know who you are, have seen you at your very worst, and still love and accept you. I love being cared for again instead of having to take care of myself. What a nice feeling after a couple months of college!
The transition into J-term will be a rough one. After a great two weeks home, it'll be hard to go back to college. I love college, don't get me wrong, but it's nothing compared to your parents loving hugs and infinite amounts of cash (or so it seems). It'll be hard to leave my sisters. To know that I'm going to miss big parts of their lives. To know that while their lives are still basically the same as last year, mine has drastically changed - and it's harder for me to relate to them.
It's been hard knowing how to balance time. Which friends do I see? Which ones do I not see? When do I spend time with my family? How much time do they need? How much time do they want? How much time do I want? Should I have alone time? Should I constantly be surrounded by people? How much do I sleep? How late do I stay up?
Balance is tough. So I guess in that sense it'll be a relief to go back to the scheduled normalcy of college life. To the fun, to the homework, to the friends.

All I know is that I am blessed beyond belief. God is way too good to me, and I certainly don't deserve it in the least. I have a great family. I have a house. I have money for college. I have a family that loves me, loves each other, and loves God.

Praise the Lord for blessings, praise the Lord for trials, praise the Lord for weakness - and the knowledge that His strength is the only thing left to rely on.

Praise the Lord!
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