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Current State of the Union: Overwhelmed

Christmas is over - and I still have a week left of break.
Emotions are mixed as I realize that:
- a week is a long time
- I have less than a couple hours a day of time not filled
- a week is not enough time to spend with my family

I've come to this conclusion over break: my family is great. God has blessed me with two of the most amazing parents ever. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, and we all have our humanly downfalls - but these people are great. My family is the best. It's so refreshing to be around people who already know who you are, have seen you at your very worst, and still love and accept you. I love being cared for again instead of having to take care of myself. What a nice feeling after a couple months of college!
The transition into J-term will be a rough one. After a great two weeks home, it'll be hard to go back to college. I love college, don't get me wrong, but it's nothing compared to your parents loving hugs and infinite amounts of cash (or so it seems). It'll be hard to leave my sisters. To know that I'm going to miss big parts of their lives. To know that while their lives are still basically the same as last year, mine has drastically changed - and it's harder for me to relate to them.
It's been hard knowing how to balance time. Which friends do I see? Which ones do I not see? When do I spend time with my family? How much time do they need? How much time do they want? How much time do I want? Should I have alone time? Should I constantly be surrounded by people? How much do I sleep? How late do I stay up?
Balance is tough. So I guess in that sense it'll be a relief to go back to the scheduled normalcy of college life. To the fun, to the homework, to the friends.

All I know is that I am blessed beyond belief. God is way too good to me, and I certainly don't deserve it in the least. I have a great family. I have a house. I have money for college. I have a family that loves me, loves each other, and loves God.

Praise the Lord for blessings, praise the Lord for trials, praise the Lord for weakness - and the knowledge that His strength is the only thing left to rely on.

Praise the Lord!

Shackles

I can feel the shackles as they rub on my wrists.
Their weight a constant reminder of my sin.
They swallow my wrists in their iron grasp,
threatening to never let go.

The slavery of sin -
I know it too well.
I've had masters a plenty.

First lying,
then stealing.
Now food and image.
Sometimes love,
sometimes family.
Other times perfection.

It's a constant battle.
It feels like every time I see my shackles,
and recognition is the first step - it's oh so easy to ignore them,
and give them to God,
the moment He unlocks them from my wrists and I am finally,
finally free -
another set, this time heavier,
come crashing down to latch onto my now free wrists.

Oh Lord, Help me!
I plead.
As the cycle continues day in and day out.

I'm too weak to resist temptation.
I'm too weak to know what it means to live without shackles.
I'm no longer a slave to sin, you say?
I'm now a slave to righteousness?

Slavery of any kind does not sound sweet to my ears,
but these shackles - these shackles of righteousness,
they're no burden.
In fact, they lift me up instead of dragging me down.
They guide me on the narrow path,
the lead me in the correct direction.

But even now,
with my new weight-free shackles,
I struggle with old ones.

Ones that come creeping back.
Shackles that the tempter places on me,
to drag me off the narrow path,
and onto the wide path that leads to destruction.

His constant taunting leaves me weak.
Reminding me of my inner sin-nature.
Bringing out my worst,
making me believe it's my best.

The darkness in this tunnel envelopes me for the moment,
But I know that Joy comes in the morning.
Joy through mourning.
His Mercies are New everyday,
and when I am weak, He is strong.

Even in my weakness,
and believe me - my eyes have been opened to how weak I truly am,
He carries me.
When I can no longer walk.
He picks me up in His arms and soothes me,
saying "It's going to be all right."

And I will make it.
No matter how hard it gets.
No matter how heavy the shackles.
God has the key.

Just remember:
In the end - God Wins.

Current State of the Union

As of right now here's the plan:
I applied to Northwestern in St. Paul.
This way I can major in intercultural studies,
keep my friends,
and stay connected to the ministries I'm involved in currently.
PLUS I'll get a more conservative biblical education.
Win-win-win!
So.
Praying will continue,
but as of right now I'll be an eagle in the fall.
The end.
But not really.
The rest of my future is still way up in the air,
but for right now I'm content to trust that God will lead me in the direction He wants me to go.
I don't have to decide right now.

Life Directions

I don't like making decisions.
I don't like having too many options.
Some days I wish I could go back to pre-school,
when we were given two options.
PB&J or cold meat sandwich?
This book or that book?
Red crayon or blue crayon?

Somedays I wish that I could be given a choice between two lives.
Two package deals.

Do you want the American dream?
It's comfortable and normal.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
It comes with a husband, 2.5 kids, and a medium-sized house.
Completely furnished. A dog in the backyard. A white picket fence.
A great job, and an apron.
Or option two:

Do you want the Adventurous route?
The one without comfort?
The one with lots of surprises and relying on God's strength?
The one where you live in a different country?
Where the picture of your future in your mind is unknown?
Where all you can expect is a big question mark?
Want a spouse or not? Can you see yourself over there with one?
The option where you share the gospel for a living,
don't know where your food comes from,
and you get to see first-hand the Kingdom work?

Or how about next year choices even,
let's back it up a little.
Which college choice do you want?
Do you want to continue on the path you chose?
Bethel with an art major?
It's easy. It's comfortable. It's teeming with the venus fly traps of complacency and lukewarmness.

Or Moody with a Women's Ministry major?
What will you do with that when you graduate?
This one more coincides with the adventure route in life.
Where I major in missions and go overseas.
It'd be scary.
It'd be wonderful.
I'd learn a lot about the bible.

Or should I transfer to Northwestern?
I could major in intercultural studies.
I already love the people there.
It'd be different.
It'd be unexpected.
It'd be what I had planned all of my junior year.
Would I grow?
Would I be challenged?

The biggest question right now is this:
What's God's plan?
Is it specific, or does it just hinge on right and wrong?
Does He care as long as I'm honoring Him?
In the game of Life, this is where my path splits and I make a decision.
The truth is, I have no idea what to do.
So many options, so little to go off of.

So here I am, on my knees - pleading that God will give me some direction.
Some sort of idea, any sort of idea of where He wants me.
A glimpse of the future perhaps?
A note in my mailbox with my life plan laid out?
As of right now, I have no clue where I'll be next year.
I have no idea what I'll do with my life.
I have no idea where I'll go.
All I know is that I desire to glorify God.
We'll see where He takes me.

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear isn't drowning.
It isn't spiders, snakes, or the color blue.
I'm not afraid of death.
My biggest fear is complacency.
I'm scared to death that I'll wake up one day,
near the end of my life,
and realize that I've wasted my life.
That I will go through life like anyone else.
That I won't share the gospel.
That I'll lose my desire for God.
That I'll forget what matters most - bringing glory to God.
That somehow, somewhere in the mix of life - I'll get off the narrow path.
That I'll stumble into the american dream,
and somehow find a shallow satisfaction in that.
What do I want to do, and desire above all other things?
To live a life that's glorifying to God.
To be able to face Him one day and know that,
while I will fail,
through my mistakes and short comings He was glorified.
That somehow through my sinful nature and failures,
the Kingdom of God was furthered and people were brought to the Lord.
Not through anything I had done, but through Christ's Redeeming blood.
This is my biggest fear.
The first step to overcoming fears is recognition, right?
My prayer is that Christ will give me the strength to conquer this,
may it never be the truth or the life I live.

Media - Meet Real Girl

This is our generation, and our gender's biggest struggle.
Body image.
I can honestly say the number of girls I've met who don't struggle with this I can count on my left hand.
I'm not sure when the realization kicks in,
maybe sometime around 13 - at least for me.
But I think for some it's earlier.
The society we live in gives us these expectations -
look like a super model.
Be a size 0 and 6'1 (which believe me, is not even close to possible)
look like a VS model
be able to see your ribs
Be sexy
Be thin
Be irresistible.
Healthy girls aren't seen anywhere in the media.
Nowhere do you see a girl who's a couple pounds overweight,
But radiates good health and natural beauty.
Nowhere do you see girls with good morals,
because even if they do choose to, for once, depict someone decent -
they fall off the morality horse halfway through the season.
Good girls just don't survive in our media.
Whenever you walk into a store,
you're bombarded by the "ideal" woman.
Magazines are covered with what we're suppose to look like,
and the truth is - most of the time,
not even that girl look like that.
Airbrushing and Photoshop do wonders.
But here we are.
Exercising ourselves into a frenzy.
Eating like mice.
And living each day for the number on the scale,
or the pinch of skin on our hips.
This isn't how God created us -
for us to be so self-obsessed.
He made us in HIS IMAGE.
So fight hard and perservere,
Through God's strength we can overcome
this plague that's sweeping our generation.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Maybe it's because I'm an artist.
Maybe it's because I get easily distracted.
Maybe it's because I love fresh air.
All I know is that I really, really love the outdoors.
Every time I look outside I stop breathing for a minute,
as I stand in awe of the beautiful world God created.
I love the trees.
I love lakes.
I love grass.
I love being outside.
I love colors.
I love Creation.
Thanks God, for making such a beautiful world
and for allowing me to be part of it.

"And I think to myself, what a beautiful world"

Locker Room Stories

Sticks & Stones may break my bones, but words will always leave scars deeper than you can imagine.
You remember the moment. The hour. The minute.
The second you decided to take things into your own hands.
Time after time of hearing two-word phrases.
She's fat.
She's overweight.
Heavy set.
Pudgy chick.
The girls whispering and point at you in the locker room.
And one day -
You snap.
You stare at yourself in the mirror after school.
Resolving to make a change.
Resolving to break the chains food has on you.
The shackles on your wrist of snacks and treats
will no longer have a grasp.
So you stop eating.
It's a downward slope, and you're on a sled.
First you stop eating snacks.
Then you restrict your meal size.
Then suddenly you find yourself making excuses.
Reasons why you can't eat.
You don't feel well.
You ate earlier.
You sleep later so you can skip breatkfast.
You eat small amounts of food and trick yourself into pretending you're satisfied.
Instead of breaking free from the chains
the shackles on your wrists got tighter
the chains heavier
and all because of a couple
two-word phrases.

{No, this is not about me. But I'd say most girls struggle with this, me included. Maybe just not to this extent.}

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace.
Until today, I don't know that I'd ever actually processed what that means.
But I can honestly say, God's Grace IS amazing.
Breath-taking. Spectacular. Undeserved.
The closer I get to God, the more inadequate I feel. The more inadequate I feel, the more amazed I am by the God that, for some reason, loves me.
Even when I suck. Even when I allow my fears to take the wheel, He's waiting for me to turn back to Him.
To run back into His loving arms.
His grace is enough.
His grace is sufficient. MORE than sufficient, it's over-the-top wonderful.
Even when I'm insecure. Even when I allow things of this world to take hold of me. Even when I turn my gaze from Him.
He extends grace undeserved.
And I am eternally grateful.
Because when I finally realize the depth of my despair, and turn my gaze to our Creator, I realize.
He is breath-taking. Spectacular. Inspiring.
And I wonder, how did I let myself get distracted?
How did I allow myself to tear my fixed gaze from His face?
Because when I seek after God and truly gaze at His being -
I can't speak.
I can't breathe.
I can't blink.
Our Creator is beautiful.
Revel in His glory.
Revel in His beauty.
Revel in the fact that He created you in His image.Revel in the fact that our God desires a relationship with us.
That just blows me away completely.
When I truly take time to pause and stare at our Heavenly Father,
I can't help but stop in my tracks.
I want to run around telling everyone about Him.
I want to scream it from the tops of the mountains.
I want to whisper it into the wind.
Because everyone deserves this.
This is love.
God is love.
God is the definition of love.
And I love Him.
His Grace is more than sufficient.
It is satisfactory.
It fills.
It satisfies.
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