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Struggles

These are things I've learned recently.
A) I'm weak. So, so weak. And God is strong. Jesus loves me, this I know. But do  I honestly believe that and accept it? Believe it? Yes. Accept it? Not really. I'm working on accepting the fact that even though I am in no way worthy of God's love, that He loves me anyways. And that I need to accept that or risk rejecting the glory of God.
B) God can use my weaknesses for His strength. Somehow, I'm not sure how he's going to use my body image consciousness but I know that He will. He is God, and I am not. He knows what's best. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
C) He has a plan. My mom's "2nd dad" as a child died last week and one of my best friends got diagnosed with cancer. It's been a hard week to say the least. Cancer. It isn't something that happens to your friends. It happens to other people. Older people. But not this time. This time one of my dearest friends has Hodgkins Lymphoma. What's that you might ask? Cancer of the lymph nodes. She starts chemo on Monday. She'll lose all her hair for senior year. Why? Why her? Why now? These are all questions that run through my head constantly, but I know that God has a plan and that He is in control. He is good.
D) I need to let God have control. With my friend. With my worries for college. With my anxiety. With my life.
E) God is faithful as usual, I don't understand it and honestly? I don't think I ever will. But He is there. And I am oh, so grateful.
F) I'm reading the book "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. It's good. Super good. John Piper describes Habakkuk 3:17-18 as follows: "In other words, when all the supports of human life and earthly happiness are taken away, God will be our delight, our joy."
G) I am thankful. For God. For life. For His patience.
H) I'm still super emotionally drained from camp. I pray that God will restore my Spirit and fill me with emotions again. I can't cry. I can't feel anything. I just feel platatonic. Excitement for college, that's about all I really feel. I don't desire food. I don't desire God. I don't desire working out. I don't desire sleep. In reality? I don't desire anything right now. But I'm not necessarily content either? I'm just kind of stuck. Counting down the days until college when I have a schedule again and something new. I'm stuck between high school and college. Stuck knowing I don't necessarily belong here anymore, or at this point - I don't belong anywhere. This isn't really my home anymore, but do I have an earthly home right now? Not really. I'm guessing college will take that place. The day I move out of my house is the day my sister moves into my room. So I've been boxing up and throwing out all the things in my room.
I) All of my stuff from the past 18 years that has some significance fits in one large plastic tub. That's all I have to account for as far as material goods go. 18 years, and it fits in one box. I guess that's like our lives in some ways. Here one day, gone tomorrow. We're like the mist. We're dust. We're only a vapor in the wind. Our lives are short - what are you doing with your life? Don't waste it. Because really? What do we matter? I think the only part of our lives that really matters is the impact we make for Christ. If you were to die today what would people remember you for? Being funny? Being tall? Or being a servant of Christ? Being an encouragement? Helping them in their walk? Being a good example? Living out your faith? I hope that at my funeral people don't cry, but that it's a joyful occasion to know that I'll finally be where I belong. Home. With Jesus. That people will look at my life and know that I lived it to the best of my ability for Christ. Like it says in Philippians, to live is Christ to die is gain. That doesn't mean we should all commit suicide, because God put us here for a reason and we should use our time on earth to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.
J) I'll leave you with my favorite verse right now.
Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Who are you living for? The approval of people or of God?

I Put on Christ

I've been listening to this song lately and wanted to share it. It's called I Put on Christ by Laura Hackett.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehSl2w4M_y0
 
 I Put on Christ (The Battle is Raging)
For the battle is raging
The Devil is raging
And I don’t want to be sleeping
While the battle is raging

I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear
I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear oh God

For the battle is raging
The Devil is raging
And I don’t want to be sleeping
While the battle is raging

I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear
I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear oh God

I put on Christ
Make no provision for my flesh
Put on the whole armor of God
Leave no open door to darkness
And I take the scroll; eat the scroll
Open up my mouth and speak forth Your Word
I take the sword of the Spirit

Blessed be the Lord my rock
Who trains my hands for battle, trains my hands for war

Oxygen

Today I was thinking about breathing and how awesome it is. 24 hours a day 7 days a week we are constantly breathing in and out without thinking about it at all.  What would happen if we just decided to stop breathing? We'd pass out, black out, and once we'd lose the control we had to suppress our breathing we'd automatically start up again. If we think about it do we stop breathing? No.
Breathing is like our relationship with God should be. We depend upon oxygen for life, and we should depend upon God in this way as well. Think about it, constantly talking with God like it talks about being constantly in prayer in 2 Thessalonians. In any situation that we would come to - to pray and talk it through with God. Before ever decision. Before every soccer game. Before every band performance. Before every dance recital. Before ever meal. Before everything - talk to God. During it all, giving praise to our Creator. In the USA it's so easy to take everything for granted. We have SO much, that we don't NEED to depend on God for anything. But when you get down to it? We need God. Desperately. We just don't realize it, just like we don't realize we're breathing all the time. We always need God, we always need oxygen. We can try to stop ourselves from needed oxygen by holding our breath, we can try to live without dependency on God - but eventually we'll black out and start breathing again. Say I decide to go on a run or kick box as I'm more inclined to do. I start breathing harder and my lungs work to keep up. Shouldn't we be running the spiritual race? Working harder and growing more dependent on Christ as we grow? I'm not really sure if this makes sense at all to anyone else, but I like it. So next time you take in a breath - think of God. He gave you that breath.

Worship

I've recently been contemplating the significance of worship. When we come to worship, the average church goer grasps their hands solemnly against their midsection or folds their arms likewise and belts out a song or two. Sometimes they'll lean over to their neighbor and comment on whether or not Jimmy is playing the drums too loud or if there should even be drums at all. Then they'll lean to the person standing on the other side and remark about the style of music or song choice - most likely not to their liking. Every third Sunday they might lean over to neighbor number one and say something about the sanctuary being too hot or too cold, and is the lighting too bright or too showy? Is the keyboardist really wearing that tie? The guitar should not be played in church. We need more hymns. We need a longer offertory piece. See anything missing? Any theme going on here?
Where is God in this worship? We've taken something that is meant to be a marvelous way to connect with our Father in Heaven and turned it into a gripe fest. We've taken something that's suppose to be all about God, and made it about ourselves and what we want. I'm sorry, folks, but that's not what worship is suppose to be at all. Who cares if the drums are off? Who cares if the keyboardists' tie isn't quite matching? Close your eyes and focus. Focus on the meaning behind worship.
Worship is designed to glorify God. To sing His praises. When I went on a mission trip to Jamaica over spring break last year, I was amazed to see how differently they worship. Not only did not one person complain about the lack of air conditioning in the building or the length of worship time, they all just threw up their hands and worshiped whole-heartedly. They didn't care what anyone else thought, they just worshiped God with complete reverance and awe. We're missing that.
I just want to encourage you that next time you go to church, ready your heart. Pray before hand that God would give you a heart of worship. Focus your eyes on the throne and truly stand in awe at the glory of our God. It is an honor and a privilege we have to be able to stand in front of the throne of God and bow down in worship. So forget about whether you're on pitch or not, worship with full abandon! If you feel led, put a hand in the air. Close your eyes. Whatever helps you worship. Just make sure you don't do it for the "holier than thou" look or the "look how much I'm worshiping" pride aspect. Do it for the right reasons.

Jeremiah 10:13 --
When he thunders, the waters in the heavens roar;
   he makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.
He sends lightning with the rain
   and brings out the wind from his storehouses. 

That's the God we're worshiping.
Worship. It's not about you or me, it's all about God.

Break Through

Under estimation. It's something I fall privy to much too often to admit to. I under estimate how many times a hummingbird can flap its wings in the span of a minute. I under estimate the way a smile can make you feel. I under estimate the strength of friendship. But most of all, I under estimate the power of our Living God. I so easily forget that He created the universe. In my selfish world that revolves around me, He's just a pawn in my game. Little do I know, I'm not the one playing. I under estimate the power of prayer. When I ask for things, with an earnest heart, God answers my prayers in ways I can't even begin to describe to you. If by nothing else I could show you there was a God, it's through the way He answers my prayers. Sometimes in ways you can see, but most of the time it's in ways I can't imagine, but once it's happened I realize it was way better for me than what I had previously thought. Take, for example, my prayers during staff training this summer to be challenged. Instead of just ending up in horse camp (I'm not a big fan of horses, although they are beautiful creatures) I was sent on a journey into a week of Horse Wilderness. Not only did I end up growing tremendously through the experience, it was one of my favorite weeks of counseling thus far in my career as a camp counselor. Say I pray for wisdom, as was my prayer last Sunday. Throughout the week God gave me an analytical view point on my sin. I spent a week mulling over my sin nature, and finally after days of self loath and remorse, came to the conclusion that although I sin - I am no longer a sinner. I have been washed clean by the blood of Christ, and God no longer sees my sin but sees me as a new creation. Is this a reason to keep on sinning? Of course not! It's a reason to rejoice! I am no longer stained by my sin! And God loves me. Mmm. The love of Christ. You know that song from childhood? Jesus loves me? It's a great song. Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong. And so on and so forth. I am a child of God, and even though I am weak - He is strong. He can use my weaknesses to further His kingdom and that, my friends, is very good news because I am certainly weak. I can't even begin to describe to you the overarching joy of having the love of your Savior. You can move mountains, swim oceans, and leap across chasms. If our God is for us, who can stand against us?

Whispers

He's there.
Whispering in my ear.
Telling me I'm worthless.
or other things I now expect to hear.

Telling me I'm fat
telling me I shouldn't eat
telling me I'm too tall
or of sins I can't defeat

telling me the world is the best choice
that I've got it all wrong
telling me that I'm not valueable
or that my nose is too long

telling me I'll never measure up
to the people on TV
telling me I'll never make it
or be who I want to be

whispering in my ear
all these lies and half truths
making me believe
it's the only point of view

as his malicious grin
fills my mind
and I know that he
is not the only of his kind

his mockery continues
day in and day out
sometimes it makes me cry
sometimes it makes me shout

 this is something
i can overcome
he is not triumphant
the battle isn't won


All i need to do
is listen to the quieter voice
the one that is so gentle
I have to make the choice

to listen to my Father
who loves me lots and lots
instead of the deceiver
who against me constantly plots

to undermine my confidence
and tell me I'm not pretty
to laugh in my face
and tell me I'm not witty

But I'm listening to the other voice
the voice of reason and love
the voice filled with compassion
the voice that comes from above.

Running

I realized today I'm a runner. Not in the sense that I go on a daily jog around the neighborhood, but in the sense that I fear commitment. When I get too close to God I get scared. Scared of being hurt, of being too close. Afraid of the trust it demands. So I throw my walls back up and take off into the hills, pushing him away as I sprint for the nearest exit. I don't know why. I don't like it. At least this time I realize what's going on so I can do whatever is possible to stop it. Fear is a sin. Boredom is a sin. And I am a sinner. I sit here afraid and bored out of my mind with no schedule to keep me going, but with hours to do with what I please. Instead of using them in a good way like writing the endless camper notes I KNOW are just waiting to be written or spending tons of time with God, I watch movies or just sit in my room blankly staring at my walls wondering what's wrong with me. When did I become so analytical? I'm not sure I really like it. When I prayed for wisdom, this wasn't what I expected. It isn't what I wanted at all. I would be so relieved to sink back into my peaceful oblivion. But God has opened my eyes to my sin problems and showed me they need to be fixed. How? I don't know, all I know is that there is no way I can do it on my own. I feel defeated each time I examine my idols and realize how much control they have on me. I can delude myself into thinking that I'm just doing it because I like to or because I'm bored, but each time I wake up later so I don't have to eat breakfast and waste those calories or work out late at night because I can't go a day without it, I'm fueling the fire and putting sacrifices on the altars in front of my body image and food idols.

It's like digging the hole deeper, only it's so deep I can't see out anymore. All I can see is the patch of blue sky at the top that's threatening to topple over on me at any given moment. Then I see a hand reaching out, and a voice saying "Oh Child, what have you gotten yourself into this time?" I stop seeing as the tears roll down my face at the realization of how much trouble I've gotten myself into. Years of subconscious sinning that has made the hole so deep. As the hand beckons to me and the voice speaks once again saying "take my hand, I'll do the rest" I know that He has it under control. The only thing I have to do is trust. And trust, my friends, is something I struggle with way more than I should.

Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he'll make your path straight.

Sunrises

I was contemplation today whether I like sunrises or sunsets better. I came to the conclusion that sunsets mark the end. The end of the day, the end of the suns light for the next few hours, the end of brightness and outdoor hours. Whereas sunrises are the opposite. Each sunrise marks the start of a new day, a new chance to make a change, new opportunities. Sunrises are the promise that no matter how many times you messed up before the sunset the day before, you have a chance to make up for it. To try again. Just random thoughts running through my head.

My Idols

Each morning I jump up
I run to the mirror
and stare into it
longing for the body
on the cover of a magazine
I run to the scale
and step on
impatiently waiting
for the number to appear.
Did I lose any weight?
Did I gain any muscle?
Do I look any different than the day before?
I sigh in disbelief at the unchanging and unwavering number.
Today I'll do something different.
I resign to eat healthier, less, and work out more.
But each day the result is the same.
After the realization dawned
this cycle was not a healthy one
I stopped it in its tracks
I stopped counting food choices
started eating healthier
because I want to, not because I feel like I should
but my body image idol stayed strong
threatening to take over my life
if I wasn't careful
the worst part?
It's subconscious.
I don't have to think about it
it just happens.
I don't want to wear these shackles on my wrists anymore
I don't want to be a slave to my body
but even if I make it through the day without working out
I cave in when my mind is less controlled
late night working out is my weakness
while exercise itself isn't a sin,
if it becomes an idol - it is.
And I've made it one.
Someday I'll overcome my addiction
to a perfect body, that may just be out of my grasp for eternity
and the fear that the minute I have children
I'll lose everything I've been working for
the fear that old age will take it all away
the fear of eating
the fear of gaining
the fear of losing control
but the good news is this:
I am not in control.
God is.
He knows what's good, He knows what's best.
He loves me, and I need to trust Him.
And I do, just not fully.
I'm giving my idols to Him.
For He has the strength I don't possess.
And He will use my weaknesses for His strength.
He is good and faithful.
Even when I'm an idolatrous sinner, He loves me and waits with open arms.
He is God, and I most definitely am not. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
He sees the puzzle, I see only one piece.
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