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We mingled our souls.



We mingled our souls.
That's what missions feels like.
Community
on a deeper level
than forming my lips
into shapes and sounds
can ever begin to express.

We mingled our souls.
Shoulder to shoulder
baking under the rays
smiles surpassing lingual disparity
deepening understanding
as views are widened
and hearts are forever changed.

We mingled our souls.
Basking in the warmth
of the favor of our Creator,
rejoicing with a unified voice,
and returning glory
to it's rightful owner.

We mingled our souls.

Finding Home.



Flashback to freshman year of college.
You walk into a new building.
Full of excitement to meet new friends,
get to your new classes,
and open your new books.
You've chosen a major -
the path to your success in life.
Branding yourself as a
mathematician
artist
athlete
and the list goes on.
You think you know who you are,
or that you'll know by the time you get that signed paper
and a long list of bills
at the end of your time on those grounds.

But,
I can attest to the fact
that I still don't know
and I don't know if I'll ever know
what I'm supposed to do
now that school is over
forever.

I feel a strong urging
deep
deep
deep
in the places in my heart
that often get drowned out
by the chaos that surrounds me
in everyday life.
An urging to
GO
to travel
to explore
to experience
the people and cultures that my sweet Abba has created.
To learn more about His people
and in turn what brings Him joy.
I feel an urge to live life alongside others
who share the same desperation
that grips my heart.
The longing to KNOW God
to truly know Him.
Not to just show up to a building a few times a week
and shake hands with a few people
sing a song or two
and think about what's for lunch,
but to deeply and truly
seek the heart and passion
of the One who created all.

But where does this happen?
Where is my home?
Is my home amidst
tall stalks of green
or is my home in
the chilly city
or is my home
by the mango trees
and the people with the big smiles
who have nothing
and somehow everything
all at the same time.

I'm learning...
learning to find my home
in all of those places
and none at the same time.
To live in the gap
between my homes...
and in essence
find home within myself.
To find peace
in the chasm
while I seek and search
for what this lack of roots means.

The Belly of a Big Fish (I'm more like Jonah than I like to admit)



Jonah
1:1-2 The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai:  “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”

 When I was 10, I went to a mission conference at my church, and for the first time my eyes were opened to God's heart for His people.  I longed for the week of hearing each missionary tell God's story and work in their country, and my heart stirred deeply as Abba whispered "Aunica, Aunica, my daughter, go. Go and preach the gospel. Go and share my love with my people." 

 1:3 But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa,where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord. 

 However, as I got older, and that whisper seemed to fade in the midst of the busyness of life, and I began to question the calling I had further clung to with such fervor. So, I decided to do something that was safe. I decided to do design. I mean, I liked it, and I'd make money and be comfortable, and who knows? I could always go on mission trips. No problem.

 1:4-5 Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.  All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship.

 When I got to college, my ship began to rock. The things I had previously found my identity in were stripped away, until I was left with nothing but the Rock to cling to.
1:6 But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep.  The captain went to him and said, “How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us so that we will not perish.”
But, being stubborn as I am, instead of listening to what God was trying to tell me, I hardened my heart to the idea of missions and continued to pursue the comfort I so craved.
1:7-10 Then the sailors said to each other, “Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity.” They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah.  So they asked him, “Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us? What kind of work do you do? Where do you come from? What is your country? From what people are you?”
 He answered, “I am a Hebrew and I worship the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the dry land.”
This terrified them and they asked, “What have you done?” (They knew he was running away from the Lord, because he had already told them so.)
Freshman year I took a class called Perspectives in World Missions. It's funny looking back, because I completely wasted my time. I wasn't open to learning, mostly attributed to the deep fear that was rooted in the possibility that God would then call me to do missions, and my heart was REALLY hard to what was being taught. I remember at the end of the class they asked us which role we thought we'd play in missions and I was adamant that I'd just be supporting missions, not actually partaking. 
1:11-16 The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?”
 “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried out to the Lord, “Please, Lord, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you,Lord, have done as you pleased.” Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him.
Things continued to be hard. Junior year of college was personally the hardest season I've had in my life so far, but I continued to pursue the career I was convinced would give me the comfort and peace I so desired.

 1:17 Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

 Then I got eaten by a reeeeally big fish.
Okay, not really. But in a sense. I hit rock bottom. I cried on my large, fluffy rug for a whole semester and thought my world was crashing down around me. So, in a sense, I guess you could say I got swallowed. And MAN was it dark in there.

 2:1-9 Then Jonah prayed to the LORD his God from the belly of the fish, saying,
“I called out to the LORD, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice. For you cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the flood surrounded me; all your waves and your billows passed over me. Then I said, ‘I am driven away from your sight; yet I shall again look upon your holy temple.’ The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me; weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O LORD my God. When my life was fainting away, I remembered the LORD, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the LORD!”
So, I prayed. In my distress. In the depths of the "belly of the fish" I cried out for salvation and rest from my heavenly Father. And he listened. And I remembered his whispering.

2:10 And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

 And, one day, I woke up. And I was fine. I didn't cry anymore, and my heart felt like it was slowly beginning to patch itself up again. I was on dry land once more. 

 3:1-2 Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.”

 And, another long God story later (see my blogpost on internships & waffle fries), I'm here working for a missions organization - leading mission trips in the Dominican Republic. That whisper from my childhood was no joke. God doesn't take His heart for His people lightly.

 3:3a Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh.

 And so, I'm obeying. And that's where my Jonah story stops, for now. To be continued as I prepare to leave for the Dominican Republic in less than two weeks and see what the rest of this crazy journey looks like.

"I lean not on my own understanding - my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven"

College.



I think I'll look back on college as a sweet experience.
Sure.
Filled with late night ice cream runs,
game nights,
and laughter.
Coffee dates,
deep friendships,
and homework assignments.
Caffeine addictions,
sleepless nights,
and Friends friday.
Yes,
College has been good to me.
But,
most of all,
I think I'll remember college as
a 4-year snapshot of
God's relentless pursuit
of me.
I'll remember college as
late night worship,
prostrate prayer,
and surrender.
Dancing in fields,
sunrise picnics,
and a hunger that can't be satisfied.
Dry seasons,
crying out,
and, most of all,
a deep, unexplainable connection
to the One who made it all.

Confessions of a Reformed Legalist



James used to be my favorite book of the bible. 
Now, don't get me wrong - James is great. But, in this case, it served as a magnifying glass to the legalistic bend of my heart.
I can be pretty analytical at times. I revel in moments of reflecting on how God has grown me over the past years and seeing the ways my faith has matured and grown more intimate. However, this process can cause me to reprimand my previous self for missing it. "How could I have been so dumb as to think _______" or "how did I not understand _______?"
This journey from legalism into freedom has been nothing short of incredible. To reflect on the heavy weight of the law in comparison to the freedom that has come from a fuller understanding of the gospel is extraordinary. It's all I can do to raise my hands and utter "GLORY."
I've gone from a faith that was life taking to a faith that is life GIVING.
I used to read the bible and see all the "DOs" and "DO NOTs", but now I see the bible as one big "DONE".
It went from an impossible checklist to a big check mark.
The funny thing is, the minute I stopped trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps and began surrendering to God, I began to grow in ways I hadn't before.

These moments of reflection are precious beyond compare.  To look back and say "Man, God, you've really done it."

I surrender all. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Internships & Waffle Fries



Flashback to a week and a half ago,

It's a Thursday. I'm designing slides for homecoming, when I get a text from my aunt asking me if I need an internship. Now, if you interacted with me at all this summer, you know the struggle that was my fight to relinquish my desire for control and trust Yahweh with my future. Many days and nights were spent crying out for guidance and stressing out over the blank page that was the day I graduated. When I got back to UNWSP for the school year, I started praying every day that Abba would take control and give me peace until it was His time to reveal what His next steps were for me.
Back to that Thursday. My aunt forwards me information and an application for a position through a missions organization called Praying Pelican Missions (PPM). As I read the description for the position, my heart stops. I grab the girl next to me's arm (Megan) and read the description out loud to make sure I'm getting it right. Here before me was a job that was so distinctly formed to my talents and desires, that it's as if someone had sat in on one of my long talks with Yahweh about my hopes and dreams. The position was to be the general marketing specialist/graphic designers, and perfectly encapsulates all of the things I love about design and marketing. Incredible. Needless to say, I applied for the position right away.

 The next Tuesday. There I am, debating whether or not to go to the art department breakout chapel. I finally decide to go. That was the first chapel on a Tuesday/Thursday I'd been to all semester. After chapel finishes, I walk through the Billy to check my mail before class. As I'm heading to my mailbox, I glance to my left and see a guy I knew from my freshman year at Bethel who happened to work for PPM. At first,  I was too scared to go talk to him, but as I walked towards my mailbox I felt my body looping back to go say hello. After a few minutes of catching up, I mentioned that I had just applied for a job at PPM. We talk about my love for design and marketing along with my heart for the Kingdom, and he said he'd talk to the head of marketing and tell them they should hire me.
Later that afternoon I get a call. I have the interview. Two Thursdays later, and I'm walking in the doors of PPM, where I'm informed that not only will I be paid as an intern, but there's a good chance I'll be hired when I graduated. On top of that,  they'll pay for me to go on 2-4 missions trips a year. Ever since I was 10, I've wanted to be involved in missions, but as I got older the idea got more and more terrifying until eventually I decided to do something else and instead fund others as they went abroad. Freshman year of college I seriously considered switching my major to intercultural studies, but landed on design instead.

 We serve a God who provides. We serve a God who knows our hearts intimately. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was all His doing. He knew when I was crying out this summer that He had prepared a job for me that allows me to use my talents to further His Kingdom as He continues to show me His heart for His people. We serve a God who listens.  We serve a God who is patient with us, even when we don't fully believe that He'll provide.
So that's my story. 

 For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. - Romans 11:36

{Waffle Fries: The day I got an interview, I ate lunch in the Billy for the first time all semester. That morning I was talking to Yahweh and had mentioned that waffle fries would be nice, but knew that was pretty facetious. In my class, I mentioned wanting waffle fries only to be told by the boy sitting next to me that there hadn't been waffle fries yet that year, so the likelihood was pretty slim. Yet, when I walked into the Billy, what did I see, but a huge pile of gleaming waffle fries. God DOES have an odd sense of humor, and sometimes His love and providence can be found even in the small, silly things.}

Indescribable

There are no words.
So many times over the past year I've attempted to describe the ways Yahweh has grown me.
I've tried to find the words to sum up how He's spoken to my heart. Each of these times I've walked away from my computer with a full heart and an empty page.
Words can't begin to describe the ways Yahweh is changing me.
I can't explain it. I can't explain the newfound depth to my soul. A depth in which my heart longs for Yahweh in a way I couldn't have imagined possible. I can't explain the way I yearn for my time with Him, counting down until I can steal moments away in His presence. It's deeper than when I first believed - it's accompanied by time spent getting to know my Savior and the knowledge that I get to spend a lifetime attempting to understand Him. Somehow it shifted from "I need to read my bible because I'm supposed to" to "each moment is an opportunity to share an experience with Yahweh." Every run is a time I can be spending praising Him. Today I got the sweet opportunity to run in the rain - completely alone, surrounded by Iowan cornfields, goldfinches & cardinals, and some solid eye contact with a doe along the way. That's just a snapshot into this season of my Abba romancing my soul. These are the moments I cherish. These are the moments Yahweh uses to remind me that I am His, and that's more than enough.
Don't get me wrong, each season is accompanied with it's share of hardship and heartache - and trust me, I've had mine. But somehow even in the flames of pain, it doesn't burn as deeply - I'm finding that I'm learning to cling to my Abba in times of trial. This world is not my home.
At the end of the day, words still ring empty compared to the joy I've found in the arms of my Abba. I'm eternally grateful for the ways He continues to show me His deep love and affection. I serve a God who cares for each and every one of His children. I serve a God who listens. Someday, I'll get to gaze on the face of my Maker with His praise on my lips for eternity. For now, I'll continue to be grateful for the ways He speaks to me - in the rain. In the pounding of my feet on a trail. In the green leaves and open fields. All praise and glory be to Him.

Don't Leave

For the first time in my life, I'm not the one leaving.
I was always the one saying goodbye, promising to visit.
I was the one who left for camp those many years ago, and to leave again each summer until this one.
I was the one to leave for college, to pack up my belongings and relocated to a different state.
To move my heart to Minnesota, only to return to my homeland for up to 3 weeks at a time.
Until now.

I have friends going abroad. I have friends returning to camp. I have friends in other states.

There's a certain loneliness in being left behind. A fear of being forgotten or overlooked.
An anxiety of monotony - that each day will blend in to the next until summer becomes a string of meaningly hours passed until the moments I choose to live.
That's not what I want for this summer.
I want to be invested where God has put me.
To embrace the blessing of working two jobs that I dearly love.
To enjoy each moment with the boys I nanny.
To see the world through the eyes of 11 year old boys.
To feel the joy of being able to work in my field as a designer for UNWSP.
I am blessed. 

I anxiously await the days in the future when my friends return from their various experiences. I can't wait to listen to the ways they grow and see the light in their eyes as they recount the various ways Abba touched their lives.

I think this summer I'm realizing that everyday life can be a marvelous adventure in itself. I don't have to fly across the ocean, wear tie-dye on Tuesdays, or uproot myself for what feels like the thousandth time. I can find joy and purpose right here where God has placed me.

This wasn't my plan.

It's happening. I'm entering the last few days of my junior year of college.
Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be a senior.
There's a sense of paralyzing fear that accompanies the thought of graduating.
To be completely honest, this isn't where I thought I'd be.
In my plan, I'd be seriously dating if not engaged to someone before I graduated.
Some days my talks with God about the future go something like this:
"Hey God. So, uh, didn't we talk about this? You KNOW how much I want to be married. Hello? Have you heard me? Are you really listening?"
Followed by sweet Yahweh reminding me that He's got this.

But, this wasn't my plan. So the question that burns itself into my brain is this: "Now what?"
I guess deep down I never expected to be at this cross road. Do I throw myself into my career? Do I work a job for the sake of making money, but not fully invest myself? What matters? How do I best spend my time if the thing I want most isn't an option?

I always thought I'd meet a guy and move wherever he wanted to go. My plan was to work for a few years to make money, then be a stay at home mom. I've never cared about a career - people mean so much more to me than my own success. But what if what I've always wanted isn't an option - with no guarantee that it will happen in the near future, if ever? What then?

So here we are. This wasn't my plan. I'm praying for guidance for this season of lasts and the great unknown to follow.

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