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Is It Love?

 You wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
He was the last one you talked to before you fell asleep
and the first one you talk to in the morning.
Every time you think of Him, you smile.
Your heart fills with Joy at the thought of spending time with Him.
You would do anything for Him.
His name?
Jesus.

Reflections/ Updated Testimony

A couple days ago I was staring at the box of stuff that represents the past 18 years of my life and thinking. What do I really have to show for my time so far on earth? What will people remember me for? Will I be remember for being tall? Funny? Smart? Interesting? Or will I be remembered for my insane love for Jesus? For my overflow of compassion? For my sympathy and understanding? For being a woman of prayer and for earnestly seeking after the will of God? I pray that somehow, it will be something from the latter group. I was looking back on my life and trying to pinpoint the moment I really began to truly believe in Christ. I prayed the prayer when I was five, more out of fear than anything, but at the time I had no idea what I was saying. I thought that after I had said those words, I was good to go. I had my ticket to heaven, and I could go on with my life. I didn't understand that it isn't just about believing. It's about following. It's not about going through life like everyone else. Fitting in. Being just another face in the crowd. It's about really making a mark for Christ and being different. Earth is not our home. If people who don't know you can't tell you're a Christian, you should be concerned. They should be able to look at you and tell from your actions or listen to your words and know that you are different. They should be able to see Christ through you. As a 5 year old? I definitely didn't understand that. Not in the least. I ended up going through life not caring a whit about God. I had my ticket, that's all I needed from Him. Nice doing business with you. I'll read my bible when I'm older and not waste my time now. Those were definitely thoughts that crossed my mind when I was younger. I was a naive home schooler until halfway through 5th grade when I was thrust into the public school system, much to my chagrin. I was not pleased, and in all honesty I hated it. They kids weren't nice. The homework wasn't challenging. And all I really wanted to do was be at home so I could read. 6th grade brought a year of sweatshirts, huge hoop earrings, and large reading material. I read little women in a week, Eragon in a couple days, and was constantly looking for bigger and more challenging things to read. I was also a pathological lier. I lied to my parents constantly about the stupidest things. "Did you put that doll where it goes?" "Yes." When really I had just thrown it on a shelf. From the time I was 10-11 I slept in my parents room in a sleeping bag. I was deeply afraid of the dark - more specifically to be alone in the dark. I was scared to death of Satan, and he had a huge grip on me at that point through my lying. One night my parents decided they were tired of me sleeping in their room and told me I'd just have to try sleeping in my room for one night. Finally after hours of crying, in a last resort I reached out to God. Instantly my fear was gone. In 7th grade I started my search. I had come to the realization that I was missing something, and I wanted whatever it was. I tried being popular - wearing the right clothes, being nice to the right people, and acting a certain way. But it didn't fill the gap in my heart. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I went to counseling, and all I wanted to do was be normal. In 8th grade I searched through friends. I tried to find a friend group that would satisfy my emptiness. But much to my dismay - I was once again left feeling empty and alone. In 9th grade I turned to swearing. I felt that if I used the right (or the wrong) grammar, I would fit in. But once again, I was left feeling empty and alone. The summer after freshman year I went to Hidden Acres for two weeks instead of one. I had gone ever since I was in the 3rd grade, so it wasn't anything new except it was for a longer period of time. I had a counselor who honestly loved God with all of her heart, and she just radiated Christ in a way that I had never seen before in my life. I'd gone to church every Sunday since birth, but I had no idea what it meant to truly love the Lord. Throughout the two weeks we were there she was just so encouraging, and I left with a renewed hope that I knew what I was missing. Sadly, after a couple weeks I slid back in to everyday routine. This year, Sophomore year, was the year of boys. I didn't do anything bad but I just texted them a lot more than I should have and dwelled on it more than I should have. It was a distraction and became my whole focus of that year. I applied and got accepted to Junior Counsel at camp that summer, and I was ecstatic. However, I had a limited knowledge of the bible from not having opened it myself very often. I can honestly say my spiritual stability was pretty low, and my patience levels were low as well. I was a grade A counselor. A for awful. I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow through the grace of God I made it through. After that summer I think that's when it actually clicked. That God was something more than just someone we learned about on Sundays and Wednesdays. Church doesn't define God, because in all honesty sometimes church is boring - and God is anything but that. Junior year was better. I started doing daily devotions and my faith became my own. It was at that point that it all clicked. I counseled again at Hidden Acres that next summer as a JC, and while I can't say I was the best JC there was, I was significantly better than the year before. Junior year brought about trials of its own, though. Friend issues started, and I just felt alone a lot of the time. I turned to God some of the time, but I could have definitely done that more often. In a high school as big as the one I went to, you were labelled and known by what activities you were involved in. For me that was showchoir. I had been in showchoir ever since the 8th grade, so for most people being in the varsity showchoir for your senior year was the regular step and the year to end all years of an awesome time. But throughout junior year I had felt God tugging on my heart. Because I was in showchoir, I was comfortable. And because I was comfortable, I wasn't reaching out. I had heard numerous speakers talk about their regrets for not reaching out in high school and how much of a mission field it is. So instead of doing choir and showchoir yet again, I dropped them and took up art classes that went along with my major. I'm not saying that I took every opportunity I could have to make an impact for Christ. There were days where I just didn't want to, even when I knew God was telling me He wanted to. But at the same time I did most of the time, and I'm grateful for the opportunities God gave me. But senior year came with its own challenges. My body image idol reared its ugly head when during the first month of school I tackled the harry potter book series & the snack cabinet. I had always been in volleyball & showchoir in the past, so food wasn't a worry of mine whatsoever. In fact - I prided myself on the fact that I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. But after a summer at camp with high calorie food and high quantities - that didn't die down as senior year came, and I gained 10 lbs. I lost confidence in myself. I stopped growing in my relationship with Christ as food and exercise became the main focus of my life. Before I'd eat anything I'd look up how many calories were in it and decide how much of it I could eat. I'd kickbox every night, and each morning I'd step on the scale and hope that I'd dropped a couple 1/10ths of a lb. If I did? I felt better about myself. I was more outgoing that day. I allowed myself a small treat - a couple M&Ms, time to relax, or a less intense workout. If I gained even a teensy, teensy bit? I'd freak out. I'd confine my food intake the next day in hopes that I would do better the next time. Senior Year. Yeah, I read my bible every night. Yes I thought I was learning, but it was like in video games when your character is running up against a wall. Sure, I thought I was going somewhere. My legs were moving! But there was a wall in front of it that I'd built up so high that there was no way I could even come close to seeing over the top. So there I was. It was May. I had graduated. And I had finally seen what I had been doing all year. I cried. I prayed. And God is faithful. This summer I counseled yet again at camp - this time with a different focus in the past. First summer I was focused on myself and making friends. Second summer I was focused on campers and making them like me. But this summer? This summer was about God. This summer was about trying to serve others. To pour into my JCs. To grow. To be challenged. This summer I prayed that God would use it to grow me, and man did He ever. My desire for the Lord cannot be satiated. It's a constant need that never fully goes away. I'm recognizing how supremely weak I am, and how incredibly strong He is. My prayer for college is that He will continue to grow and challenge me in insane ways. My prayer is that God will take my life and mold it to His will and use my weaknesses for His strength. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  -- Galatians 2:20

Jesus Talks, Downtown Walks, and Heavy Rocks

A) So I'm reading "When I don't Desire God" by John Piper, and it's just really good. Sometimes I struggle with reading Piper because I feel like a lot of times he takes one thought and stretches it over an endless amount of pages, but in the end what He has to say is pretty good most of the time. I've really been convicted and encouraged by this book and I'm only halfway through chapter 4.
Indifference to the pursuit of joy in God would be indifference to the glory of God, and that is sin.
Would it not be an encouragement to a subject, to hear his prince say
to him, You will honor and please me very much, if you will go to
yonder mine of gold, and dig as much gold for yourself as you can
carry away? So, for God to say, Go to the ordinances, get as much
grace as you can, dig out as much salvation as you can; and the more
happiness you have, the more I shall count myself glorified. - Thomas Watson
 Christ is to be Cherished, not Chosen.
 The fight for joy in Christ is not a fight to soften the cushion of Western comforts. It is a fight for strength to live a life of self-sacrificing love. It is a fight to join Jesus on the Calvary road and stay there with him, no matter what.
 The aim is that Jesus Christ be made known in all the world
as the all-powerful, all-wise, all-righteous, all-merciful, all-satisfying
Treasure of the universe.
This will happen when Christians don’t just say that Christ is valuable,
or sing that Christ is valuable, but truly experience in their hearts
the unsurpassed worth of Jesus with so much joy that they can say, “I
count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing
Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:8). Christ will be glorified in the world
when Christians are so satisfied in him that they let goods and kindred
go and lay down their lives for others in mercy, missions, and, if necessary,
martyrdom. He will be magnified most among the nations when,
at the moment Christians lose everything on earth, they say, “To live is
Christ, and to die is gain” (Phil. 1:21). 
 Christ is supremely glorious and supremely valuable. Therefore He is worth the fight.
 I was just really encouraged and challenged by a lot of things so far. I like to be challenged. God wants us to be joyful. Yes - we are going to be persecuted, but finding the joy in that through the knowledge that it's through trials and persecutions that we grow in our faith the most is a glorious thing.


B) I'm always going through My Utmost For His Highest for my personal devo time, and man is it good!
The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God.
 The cross represents only one thing for us - complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ - and there is nothing in which this identification is more real to us than prayer.
The more a person knows of the inner life of God's most mature saints, the more he sees what God's purpose really is.

 Oswald Chambers was a wise man. Some of those are common sense, but I just like the way he writes it, It just makes more sense somehow.

C) Long story short I really like books.
D) I like being spontaneous. Example: Seeing a large grassy hill and rolling down it...then remembering that I'm a little bit allergic to grass and breaking out. Worth it? Every second. It reminded me of the last night in Jamaica when I jumped in the pool fully clothed. Memories. So good.
E) Fellowship. What a blessing. To just sit here with a dear friend and talk about what God has been doing in our lives and share different passages that have been lain on our hearts recently is just so good! And small group is always a great time - to be able to discuss things and get other people's opinions on them.
F) Francis Chan makes a good point:
"If I tell my daughter to go clean her room, she knows better than to come back later with her room still messy and say:
-I memorized what you said.
-I can say it in Greek.
-A group of friends and I are going to get together and study what you said.
We need to take Jesus literally and do what He says."
 G) I like how God works in different ways. He surprises me in the ways He speaks to me, but it's always very evident. This week's learning theme? Prayer is powerful. I am weak - He is strong. I am a child of God, blameless and pure in His sight. God is good and so, so faithful.
H) Job 38-39. That's the God I serve.

1 Peter 4:18-19 -- “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
   what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”
 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Uncontainable Joy

A) Joy. What a blessing it is to feel Joy again, and in general to have my emotions at least 90% returned. To be able to sympathize, to be able to empathize, to be able to laugh and cry along with others. (Romans 12:15) To have feelings and emotions once again after a draining summer. To open my bible and desire God. Desiring God - I definitely missed that emotion. The first few days my passivity kind of scared me to be honest, to come home from an extremely challenging and growing summer and feel passive about God was anything from what I expected. But God used that time to allow me to really soak up what I had learned and attempt to figure out how to apply it.
B)This week has been better. So much better. I feel overflowing with the joy of Christ and completely content in His love. After weeks of praying that I would somehow be able to accept the love of Christ - I feel like God has helped me break through a wall. Whether or not there are other walls to come I haven't found out yet - but for the moment that wall has been broken down and progress is being made. God loves me. I don't need to feel guilty necessarily. And the love of Christ is all I need.
C)At this point, I could be shoved into the jungle in the middle of South Africa with only my bible and a backpack (preferably with a knife of some sort. I would rather have SOME way to defend myself. Mechanical pencils just don't do the job) I would be happy. No distractions. Just me and Jesus. Being pushed into situations where I have to completely rely on His strength and not my own is just so good. I like it.
D)I like being challenged and not just going through daily routine passively passing the time. Monotonous days are not for me. I like adventure. Challenges. Spontaneity. I like the new testament. And the old testament.
E)I'm getting pumped for this semester's quiet times. I go through the old testament first semester and new testament second semester. It's good. Praise the Lord for the accessibility of His word.
F)At the same time, we take it for granted. There are people in other countries who have just a couple pages of the bible between multiple churches because it's illegal there, and they treat it with so much more value. The value that it deserves. Here? It's like pearls in front of swine. We have so many translations and ways to get them that we allow it to collect dust on our bookshelves and only take it down once a week for church. Guess what? That's not what its about. It's about the insane joy of opening your bible and realizing what God has given us. His word. And it is such a sweet realization to come to.
G)This week? Joy through Christ. Joy in my quiet times. Joy through opening my bible and knowing that God is doing great things whether I know it or not. He is good. He is in control. Control idol? Meet Jesus.
H) The book of James. I love it. So much. It convicts me in new ways each time I study it. I like being convicted? Somewhat. I'm not really sure if that's normal or not, but the realization that I have room to grow and that God is still working in my life is just good. He is the artist I am His statue. He is constantly chipping away at my sin and molding me into the woman that He made me to be. Mmm growth. So good.
I) I like finding joy in the little things. Like finishing off a foot long sub at subway. Eating insane amounts of fruit with no regrets. Seeing a particularly steep grassy hill and deciding to roll down it.
Praise the Lord for laughter and the ability to smile.

Titus 3

Titus 3:3-7 --At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared,  he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,  whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
This is the passage of scripture that God has really been laying on my heart recently. When I got back from camp this summer I spent a week processing what I had learned, analysing my life in contrast to scripture, and attempting to figure out how to apply all that I had learned. The conclusion at that time that I came to? I suck. I sin. So, so much. I sat in a deep pool of guilt, remorse, and finally came to the concluding emotion of hatred. Hatred for myself, and found that I had a deep loathing of myself because of my sin. I didn't understand and accept one of the core principles of the gospel - God loves us. How could He love me when I couldn't even come close to loving myself? Every time I'd sin I'd cringe and the hatred would grow until it reached the point where I couldn't stand to be around people because I was so upset with myself that I didn't have any idea how anyone else could even stand to be around me. The moral of the story? I was ridiculously emotionally drained. From going straight from senior year (I was sick the day I graduated. Yay fevers) to literally leaving for camp for 8 weeks the day after I graduated. I was exhausted, and this summer was just extremely emotionally taxing. I was constantly pouring into girls who needed love and compassion. It was only through Christ that I was able to give as much as I was able to this summer, and I am extremely grateful for that. But anyways, I was emotionally drained so I had no compassion left for myself. Then I came across this passage. A couple weeks ago I would have focused on verse 3 then stopped, satisfied that it had capture the essence of my suckage. But you know what the next word is? The first word in verse for is this. But. There's something more. It doesn't stop there. Through God's mercy He saved us. He reached into that pig pen of sloppy, nasty, dirty sin that we were rolling around in and rescued us. He grabbed us from the burning house to saftey. We were going to go down in flames with all the gasoline of our sin that was poured throughout our lives, but He grabbed us from the flames. And you know what? As amazing as that is alone - it doesn't stop there. Not only did He save us from our deserved eternity in hell, but He has made us His sons and daughters. We are His heirs. Good news, friends. Sure - I sin. I sin a lot, and it's definitely an issue. My prayer is that God will help me become aware of those sins so that with His help we can make it better - but at the same time I AM human and I'm going to sin. And you know what? God isn't disappointed in me. He doesn't shake His head each time I tell a lie, because He already knew I was going to do it. That's no reason to sin without remorse, but at the same time it's a relief that I don't have to necessarily wallow in guilt. I've been redeemed by the blood of Christ, and He no longer sees my sin but sees me instead as a child of God - pure and blameless. (Philippians 2:15) We also have to realize that when we are saved, we have the Holy Spirit inside of us - so we really shouldn't desire to sin any longer. It talks about that in Romans 6:1-2. We are dead to sin, so why would we want to keep on sinning? I'm no longer a slave to my fear of sin. It no longer grips me, and slowly but surely God is helping me to break free of my idols. Food isn't as much of a concern. I can go a day without working out and not feel too bad about it. I'm finding satisfaction in the love of Christ, and learning that I need to rely on His strength through my weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 --But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Thoughts

A) Prayer. What a blessing and an honor that we have the privilege to speak to God. I am constantly amazed by how powerful prayer really is. Throughout the summer God really showed me different ways He was answering my prayers, most of the time not in ways I would expect or recognize usually but always was it way better for me than what I could imagine. Example: I prayed during staff training that God would challenge me. BAM! Horse Wilderness the first week. I don't like horses. It ended up being one of my favorite weeks, though. God works in great ways! And I'm super pumped to continue to grow in my relationship with Him and for the surprises to come!
B) I like fruit. A lot. Strawberries, grapes, peaches, watermelon, and raspberries are probably my favorite things. I like 'em.
C) I'm becoming nocturnal. I keep staying up later and later and sleeping in more and more. Pretty soon I'll just sleep during the day. The bad news? I have classes at 8 a.m. So this "sleep until 1" dealio isn't really going to fly in college. Sad.
D) I like waffles. I'm pretty sure I've eaten a waffle for breakfast every day for the past two weeks. They're good. They're easy to make. And they keep me satisfied until supper. It works well.
E) I like forks instead of spoons. Except for the occasional bowl of soup I seldom use spoons. Sporks? Although the thought is good, they just don't really work. You can't really stab things with them to make them useful for fork-y things, and they don't hold a decent quantity of soup for the to be useful as spoons. So forks it is. I've even resorted to eating applesauce and yogurt with a fork because it's just better. That is all on THAT subject.
F) Joy. Joy is good. Especially the Joy that comes from a solid relationship with Christ. Joy in growth. Joy in life. Joy in the little things. Joy in trials through the knowledge that through my perseverance I will grow more spiritually mature (James 1).
G) I should start writing more meaningful stuff on here again rather than just rambling, but sometimes rambling is good? I don't really know. I think it's just that I write these so late. Er. Early in the morning. We'll see.

Conclusions

I've come to a couple conclusions recently:
A) Tall boys are one of four things: awkward, unattractive, not christian, or dating someone short. Story of my life? I think yes.
B) I'm not going to settle. I am not a rancher looking for land. I will stake out my territory and wait until I have a prize bull. Because honestly? I've waited this long - what's a couple more years? And if that's not God's plans - I'll wait until I die and fall into the loving embrace of Christ. Mmm. He is good.
C) I love the pirates of the Caribbean movies. A lot. I'm not really sure why, I just like them.
D) I'm regaining my emotions. After an insanely draining summer and school year, it's weird to be able to rest and rejuvinate. So that's been good, and I just feel content. Content in Christ. Content in my love for Him and His love for me, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that yes I suck and I sin, but at the same time I don't necessarily need to tear myself apart for it because guess what? God isn't dissapointed in me. He knew I would sin and He knows I'm going to sin, but at the same time I'm going to strive to live a life that's honoring and pleasing to Him. His grace is enough, and to dwell on my sins and guilt would be to take away from the grace and mercy and glory of God and that, my friends, is a sin in itself. So good news! God does, truly, love me. And I love Him.
E) College in 15 days. I'm still kind of in shock? But at the same time I'm insanely excited to see what God has in store for me. I want to grow. I want to be challenged. I want to challenge others. I want to learn.
F) I love music. A lot. There's always a song that fits my mood, or a style of music if you will. Sometimes I like to listen to country. Sometimes I like the listen to rap. But recently I've been happy to listen to worship music. To just sit in silent adoration of the King. What a blessing it is to not only have time to sit and listen, but that we have that opportunity. The comfort of being able to sit in the presence of the Lord and be content. And at the same time to not take that contentedness and stop reading the bible or stop trying to learn because I'm happy with where I'm at, but to hunger for more. To be content in the sense that I know that I'm on the right path, but wanting to run down that path. To learn more. To grow. And what a sweet, sweet thing that is.
G) I'm pretty sure I don't want to live in the US. I can much more easily picture myself living in a jungle with all of my belongings in a backpack than in a comfortable American house. I've come to the point where I dislike comfort. I think I associate comfort with things from my past, and I'd rather not.  I revel in the uncomfortable. In the challenge and growth it brings. At some points you have to recognize that God also gives us comfort once and a while. That comfort in itself isn't necessarily a sin. That God truly desires for us to have happiness. That happiness for me just happens to be being pushed out of my box. I enjoy it.
H) I want to marry a missionary. Or a pastor. I just want to be part of ministry. Maybe I'll switch majors? I'm not really sure. I'm praying about it, so we'll see where God leads.
I) I like analogies. Too much? Sometimes. But they just help me process things.
J) I don't like numbering things, I'm not sure if you've gathered that from the constant lettering to attempt to somehow organize my sporadic thoughts - but I just don't like it. It gives things an order. Makes one thought better than another when in reality, they're all equally fighting for the forefront of my consciousness.
H) I love fruit. So much. We had fresh peaches today and I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face. Mmm. Thank you, Lord, for yummy healthy foods.
I) I stay up way too late. Okay, so I drank a ton of caffeine today. But coffee is good! And I like it. So I drink it anyways and just deal with the consequences.
J) I get stuck routine much too easily. I don't really like routine? But it happens. Like this - staying up late and sleeping in. I'm a morning person, really I am, but I just like nights. Being able to process things and think. And watch movies. And just spend time alone. After a school year of insanity and 8 weeks of camp, it's just nice to be alone once and a while. I'm still a very social person, but once and a while you need time alone. Just you and Jesus. But back to routine. Every day I eat basically the same things. Maybe I should change that? It's just easy. I make waffle batter every 3 days. Wheat. It's healthier. And I eat one or two with some yogurt for brunch at noon. Breakfast food is just so much better than food-food. It's good. I like it. Why change it? I'm not sure. Thoughts. Mmm.
K) I should really get back into writing creatively again. Maybe this is creative? This insane splattering of my thoughts across the screen? But I don't feel satisfied like I do after I write a poem that I really relate to or a story that I enjoy. Hmm. Perhaps I'll write.
L) I'm going to leave you with a quote from a book I'm reading. This is from chapter three of "When I don't desire God" by John Piper.
God pictures himself as a mountain spring of clean, cool, life-giving water. The way to glorify a fountain like this is to enjoy the water, and praise the water, and keep coming back to the water, and point other people to the water, and get strength for love from the water, and never, never, never prefer any drink in the world over the water. That makes the spring look valuable. This is how we glorify God, the fountain of living water.

Struggles

These are things I've learned recently.
A) I'm weak. So, so weak. And God is strong. Jesus loves me, this I know. But do  I honestly believe that and accept it? Believe it? Yes. Accept it? Not really. I'm working on accepting the fact that even though I am in no way worthy of God's love, that He loves me anyways. And that I need to accept that or risk rejecting the glory of God.
B) God can use my weaknesses for His strength. Somehow, I'm not sure how he's going to use my body image consciousness but I know that He will. He is God, and I am not. He knows what's best. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
C) He has a plan. My mom's "2nd dad" as a child died last week and one of my best friends got diagnosed with cancer. It's been a hard week to say the least. Cancer. It isn't something that happens to your friends. It happens to other people. Older people. But not this time. This time one of my dearest friends has Hodgkins Lymphoma. What's that you might ask? Cancer of the lymph nodes. She starts chemo on Monday. She'll lose all her hair for senior year. Why? Why her? Why now? These are all questions that run through my head constantly, but I know that God has a plan and that He is in control. He is good.
D) I need to let God have control. With my friend. With my worries for college. With my anxiety. With my life.
E) God is faithful as usual, I don't understand it and honestly? I don't think I ever will. But He is there. And I am oh, so grateful.
F) I'm reading the book "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. It's good. Super good. John Piper describes Habakkuk 3:17-18 as follows: "In other words, when all the supports of human life and earthly happiness are taken away, God will be our delight, our joy."
G) I am thankful. For God. For life. For His patience.
H) I'm still super emotionally drained from camp. I pray that God will restore my Spirit and fill me with emotions again. I can't cry. I can't feel anything. I just feel platatonic. Excitement for college, that's about all I really feel. I don't desire food. I don't desire God. I don't desire working out. I don't desire sleep. In reality? I don't desire anything right now. But I'm not necessarily content either? I'm just kind of stuck. Counting down the days until college when I have a schedule again and something new. I'm stuck between high school and college. Stuck knowing I don't necessarily belong here anymore, or at this point - I don't belong anywhere. This isn't really my home anymore, but do I have an earthly home right now? Not really. I'm guessing college will take that place. The day I move out of my house is the day my sister moves into my room. So I've been boxing up and throwing out all the things in my room.
I) All of my stuff from the past 18 years that has some significance fits in one large plastic tub. That's all I have to account for as far as material goods go. 18 years, and it fits in one box. I guess that's like our lives in some ways. Here one day, gone tomorrow. We're like the mist. We're dust. We're only a vapor in the wind. Our lives are short - what are you doing with your life? Don't waste it. Because really? What do we matter? I think the only part of our lives that really matters is the impact we make for Christ. If you were to die today what would people remember you for? Being funny? Being tall? Or being a servant of Christ? Being an encouragement? Helping them in their walk? Being a good example? Living out your faith? I hope that at my funeral people don't cry, but that it's a joyful occasion to know that I'll finally be where I belong. Home. With Jesus. That people will look at my life and know that I lived it to the best of my ability for Christ. Like it says in Philippians, to live is Christ to die is gain. That doesn't mean we should all commit suicide, because God put us here for a reason and we should use our time on earth to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.
J) I'll leave you with my favorite verse right now.
Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Who are you living for? The approval of people or of God?

I Put on Christ

I've been listening to this song lately and wanted to share it. It's called I Put on Christ by Laura Hackett.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehSl2w4M_y0
 
 I Put on Christ (The Battle is Raging)
For the battle is raging
The Devil is raging
And I don’t want to be sleeping
While the battle is raging

I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear
I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear oh God

For the battle is raging
The Devil is raging
And I don’t want to be sleeping
While the battle is raging

I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear
I don't fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear oh God

I put on Christ
Make no provision for my flesh
Put on the whole armor of God
Leave no open door to darkness
And I take the scroll; eat the scroll
Open up my mouth and speak forth Your Word
I take the sword of the Spirit

Blessed be the Lord my rock
Who trains my hands for battle, trains my hands for war
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