Late Night Rambling & Deep-ish Thoughts

Crying is weird. After not crying for as long as I can remember, I've started crying again this year. Not a lot, but it's definitely a weird feeling when it comes. I mostly cry now when I have no other way of expressing deep emotions, so I've started crying multiple times during worship. Sometimes I just can't express how overwhelmed I am by God's grace/power/goodness, so I start crying. I don't know when it started happening, I don't know how to stop it. I'm not sure I want to. It's just weird.

Ah. The great Works vs Faith deal. I KNOW that no matter what I do I can't make God love me any more or less, that my salvation is not determined by my good works and that because I love God I want to serve Him and obey His commandments, but it's so hard for me to fully grasp this concept. I don't really see this playing out anywhere in the world, you always get ahead by doing good and there's always a reward. I feel like somehow God should bless me because I love Him so much. Which is wrong, yes, I fully admit that. I'm a selfish kid sometimes. I go back and forth between entering the throne rooming demanding God to bless me for doing good things and crawling into His presence in tears on my knees. I don't know how to balance the two. To live in the knowledge both of my depravity and the knowledge that I'm a new creation. I'm still a sinner. I still sin. But, Christ now lives in me so I'm not a slave to sin anymore. Ah. Struggle city.

In other news, Christmas break has been so good so far. It's been great to be able to sit in my room late at night hashing things out with God. Talking about struggles, victories, and giving myself fully to Him. Being able to spend time alone with the Lord is SO GOOD. I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Ahhhhhhhhh! The things that've been troubling me just melt away when I'm in His presence. Somehow, knowing that the victory is already won makes every little struggle and shortcoming seem so much less important. I am eternally grateful.

I wish there was some way you could just push a button and transfer everything from your head to your heart. I love theology. Oh man. So much, but so often it goes into my head and never makes it to my heart.

I'm figuring out I'm a lot more emotional that I thought I was. I just don't express it that often, so it sort of gets built up. Working on that. Learning sometimes doesn't happen overnight, actually a lot of times it doesn't, and it takes time to relearn something you've done ever since you can remember. It's the weirdest thing to be able to feel emotions in my heart again. To be able to feel excitement. Love. Joy. Rest. To once again expand my emotional spectrum to what it should be. I can feel the holy spirit moving inside of me, and it's CRAZY.

Some nights I can just feel God's presence. It's incredible. To just rest in His arms. To know that, while sometimes I have questions and I don't understand things, He does. It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have all the answers. I wish I knew, that's for sure, but I know that God will provide the answers I need when I need them. Mmm. I love my late night dates with Jesus - these are the moments when all I can do is lift my hands to the sky and smile. He is SO powerful. And He's my foundation. My rock. My cornerstone.

"I'm not afraid anymore, 'cause I'm running with your fire Lord. I'm taking up my sword. You train my hands and my fingers for war." (Not Afraid Anymore by Leeland)

I love Leeland. Their music is incredible. What worshipful experience. I've also figured out I like painting a lot. I'm not overtly great at it yet, but I mean - I started a few days ago. I'm working on a sunset/sunrise series with lines. I'm pretty excited about it.

Grace is radical. I don't understand. It literally doesn't make sense to me. Praying for understanding.

Fearless Surrender

Late Night Rambling & Deep-ish Thoughts

Aunica

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