All post

Thump Thump

In the past week God has been revealing parts of His heart to me that I've longed to experience, but haven't before.
I wish I could stay in these moments, hours, or days when the beating of His heart overtakes any small thumps that could be heard from my own. These are the moments when my heart aches for His people. When my soul longs and pleads for their salvation. These are the moments I forget to breathe, and maybe, for a few moments, my heart syncs with His.
Moments when my eyes see the pain and the heartache that others experience, and the love that God has for them in their suffering. Moments when I see the futility in living for anything other than Christ. Moments when I see that my hope truly rests completely in Jesus.
As I'm overcome by the beauty and insanity that is grace, I'm deeply pained that so many people will never experience what I experience. They'll never know the embrace of Yahweh. They'll never call God their Abba. They won't spend hours and countless nights cradled in the arms of their heavenly Father. As God's heart yearns for His people, my heart burns for them. For those who wander through this life seeking to fill a void they'll never understand.
My heart breaks for those who will never understand the true joy that comes only from knowing Jesus.
As I lay here unable to sleep, my cry is that somehow, God would allow me to be used to bring understanding to people, and that I would trust deeply in His sovereignty. God is good. God is in control. He knows what He's doing.

Use me, Father. Teach me, Abba. Save your people, Yahweh.

It's 12:34 am, and I'm wide awake

Letting go. Oh man. Those words are so hard for me to even read.
I'm definitely a planning person. I like organization.
I'm laying awake right now struggling to sleep because I'm already planning out when I'll workout, what I'll eat, and when I'll spend time with Jesus this semester. Oh boy.
Control. Control. Control.
I like to know. I'd like to know what I'll be doing this summer. I'd like to know if things will fall into place to study abroad next semester. I'd like to know if the boy I think is cool realizes I exist.
I found myself asking God to reveal these things to me a few moments ago. Pleading that He'd give me an inkling of an idea. I'm so prone to worry. I'm so prone to fear.
I'm learning and relearning that I really, really need to just trust God. I need to step back, take a deep breath, and give things over to my Father. My Abba has my best in mind. He knows the desires of my heart, and my prayer is that those desires are in line with His. I know that He knows what's best.
I just like knowing things. I wish I knew that I'll get married someday. I wish I knew what that man's name was so I could pray for Him specifically. I wish I knew what he's doing right now.
But for now, I have to trust. Trust that, if I don't get married, God is enough. Actually, I KNOW God is enough, it's just something I need to move from my head to my heart.
My dates with Jesus won't stop when I get married. Jesus isn't a stand in for some mortal man.
So, when things are out of my grasp and I have no control, all I can do is pray. Pray that God knows what's best. Pray that He'll give me wisdom in my decisions. Pray for patience and rest in Him. Pray for the men around me - for leadership, for courage, for a deep trust in God. Pray for rest and peace in my relationship with God. He is more than enough.

Today

Today was a good day.
- A new, free study bible for my phone. YES.
- I slept in until 10:30.
- I mapped out and did an hour-long, butt-kicking punching bag workout.
- Robbie Seay's new album is free on noisetrade. Get it. It's SO good.
- I'm going on a sister-date with my sister to panera! Yum!
- Date night with Jesus tonight. There's nothing like a lamp, a quiet house, and unlimited time with my favorite Man. Warm blankets, Romans, and a pen. It's going to be a good night.
- I'm going back to school in two days! AH. I have so much to pack. EEP.

That's all.

Grace & the Depths of Gratitude

I don't really know where to start. I'm not sure if I'll be able to put into words the immense work the Lord has been doing in my heart over the past month. Wow. It's crazy to see Him working in my heart. I can see Him growing me and molding me into the woman He created me to be - what a beautiful, and sometimes painful, process!
Grace. Wow. I grew up thinking I knew what that word meant. "Yeah, yeah, Jesus loves me." Rambling off the Romans road to get stickers and badges in AWANAS, saying the right words to convince my counselors at camp I was saved, and sitting through church on Sundays - all under the assumption that I understood what grace was. I knew that Jesus died for me, but it didn't reach my heart.
Grace. Grace. Grace. Sometimes I just mutter it under my breath to remind myself that it's real. I am free. Free. FREE, I tell you. I'm free from my fears. I'm free to trust in the precious blood of Christ. I'm free to fail. I'm free to fall short. Christ has been victorious!
My heart sings of grace. AMAZING grace! How SWEET the sound! It truly saved a wretch like me. Every day I wake up amazed by grace. I can't wrap my mind around it. It costs me nothing. I'm starting to understand. Instead of just doing things under obligation or law, I do them because of the joy I've found in Christ.
Identity? Christ. My identity comes from all things Jesus. Because Jesus is awesome - I'm awesome. Boom.
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by Jesus' love that i start giggling. Uncontrollably. Until I cry. I think I just don't know how else to express how intense that emotion is?
Wow. I am free indeed. It's all because of Jesus I'm alive. The gospel has a new glow to it. As I realize how much I have yet to learn, I grow excited for the years to come. For more ways that God can grow me. For more ways I can experience grace & peace.
My soul is at rest. I breathe deeply in the arms of Christ. I am deeply loved by the Creator. Yahweh.

I want to shout because You are good. Sing, because You are good. Dance, because You are good - You're so good to me, Lord.

Romans 3:21-26 --->
But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference,for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

Romans 5:1-5 --->
 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

 Romans 6:22-23 --->
But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Christmas break. Late night Jesus dates. I'll miss these sweet times of solitude in the presence of my Savior. What a blessing to be cradled by Him during this season at home.

Radical Grace & Incredible Freedom

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
After feeling so dry for so long, I feel like my soul radiating my love for Christ.
There are just seasons when I feel like I can't express enough how much I love Him. All I want to do is talk to Him. All I want to do is learn about Him. All I want to do is bask in His love. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to leave my room, except to share His love with those I'd encounter. Honestly, the love of Christ is second to nothing. Jesus + nothing = everything. He is everything. I need nothing else.
Today is Christmas. First of all, thank-you Lord for sending your Son. What a beautiful gift!
Second of all, I received a book today that I'd been meaning to read for a while: Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. Wow. God is awesome. Yesterday I realized my perception of grace is WAY off, and that I really don't understand it. Today, through this book, God is realigning my views and making me realize how wacked out my thinking was.
I've literally lived my whole walk with Christ so far under self-imposed rules, thinking that somehow if I fulfilled these God would love me more. That while no, I didn't earn my salvation through works - somehow I thought I needed to do good works in order to keep it.
The thought that, to me, grace is free is just mind-blowing. I can't comprehend it. It doesn't compute. What? I don't have to pay anything? And more importantly, there's absolutely nothing I could do even if I needed to in order to deserve this radical grace.
Grace wasn't costless - no, it cost God much. But to me, to us, it's free. The cost of following Christ is much different, while not completely free - the joy that accompanies it is worth far more than anything it could cost.
Joy. Unspeakable joy. It overwhelms my soul. I can't put into words how I feel right now. Peace? Rest? Deeper than that. Like I've been wandering for a long, long time - and I'm finally home. Home in the arms of Christ.
Legalism is something I hide behind because I'm afraid of letting go. I'm afraid to give God control. I'm afraid that, if I give grace free reign that I'll take advantage of it. Do I not trust God enough to know that He's in control? Who am I to think that by putting rules and regulations upon myself that I'll tame this wild grace He's given us, that somehow it's up to me to make sure grace stays within its bounds? Maybe grace IS supposed to run free. Isn't God powerful enough to control it?
It's not about my behavior or "rule following", it's not whether or not I live up to all the commandments, but it's about my heart. Where is my heart? Am I deeply satisfied in Christ?
My legalism this semester has sucked all the joy out of my relationship with Christ. It's crazy to look back and see that now, because it wasn't evident then.
I am free. I am free from the bonds of legalism. I don't have to follow the rules. In fact, I can't. I. Am. Free. Free to strive after Christ. To seek Him, not rules. Free to be joyful. Free.

"Because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak;
Because Jesus won for me, I was free to lose;
Because Jesus was someone, I was free to be no one;
Because Jesus was extraordinary, I was free to be ordinary;
Because Jesus succeeded for me, I was free to fail."
--> Tullian Tchividjan, Jesus + Nothing = Everything

Late Night Rambling & Deep-ish Thoughts

Crying is weird. After not crying for as long as I can remember, I've started crying again this year. Not a lot, but it's definitely a weird feeling when it comes. I mostly cry now when I have no other way of expressing deep emotions, so I've started crying multiple times during worship. Sometimes I just can't express how overwhelmed I am by God's grace/power/goodness, so I start crying. I don't know when it started happening, I don't know how to stop it. I'm not sure I want to. It's just weird.

Ah. The great Works vs Faith deal. I KNOW that no matter what I do I can't make God love me any more or less, that my salvation is not determined by my good works and that because I love God I want to serve Him and obey His commandments, but it's so hard for me to fully grasp this concept. I don't really see this playing out anywhere in the world, you always get ahead by doing good and there's always a reward. I feel like somehow God should bless me because I love Him so much. Which is wrong, yes, I fully admit that. I'm a selfish kid sometimes. I go back and forth between entering the throne rooming demanding God to bless me for doing good things and crawling into His presence in tears on my knees. I don't know how to balance the two. To live in the knowledge both of my depravity and the knowledge that I'm a new creation. I'm still a sinner. I still sin. But, Christ now lives in me so I'm not a slave to sin anymore. Ah. Struggle city.

In other news, Christmas break has been so good so far. It's been great to be able to sit in my room late at night hashing things out with God. Talking about struggles, victories, and giving myself fully to Him. Being able to spend time alone with the Lord is SO GOOD. I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Ahhhhhhhhh! The things that've been troubling me just melt away when I'm in His presence. Somehow, knowing that the victory is already won makes every little struggle and shortcoming seem so much less important. I am eternally grateful.

I wish there was some way you could just push a button and transfer everything from your head to your heart. I love theology. Oh man. So much, but so often it goes into my head and never makes it to my heart.

I'm figuring out I'm a lot more emotional that I thought I was. I just don't express it that often, so it sort of gets built up. Working on that. Learning sometimes doesn't happen overnight, actually a lot of times it doesn't, and it takes time to relearn something you've done ever since you can remember. It's the weirdest thing to be able to feel emotions in my heart again. To be able to feel excitement. Love. Joy. Rest. To once again expand my emotional spectrum to what it should be. I can feel the holy spirit moving inside of me, and it's CRAZY.

Some nights I can just feel God's presence. It's incredible. To just rest in His arms. To know that, while sometimes I have questions and I don't understand things, He does. It's okay to not know. It's okay to not have all the answers. I wish I knew, that's for sure, but I know that God will provide the answers I need when I need them. Mmm. I love my late night dates with Jesus - these are the moments when all I can do is lift my hands to the sky and smile. He is SO powerful. And He's my foundation. My rock. My cornerstone.

"I'm not afraid anymore, 'cause I'm running with your fire Lord. I'm taking up my sword. You train my hands and my fingers for war." (Not Afraid Anymore by Leeland)

I love Leeland. Their music is incredible. What worshipful experience. I've also figured out I like painting a lot. I'm not overtly great at it yet, but I mean - I started a few days ago. I'm working on a sunset/sunrise series with lines. I'm pretty excited about it.

Grace is radical. I don't understand. It literally doesn't make sense to me. Praying for understanding.

Radical Grace

I think a lot of times i belittled the freedom we have in Christ. Like, so many people take it to the extreme - pushing the limits of freedom, doing things that aren't glorifying to God under the pretense that they can do it because they're already saved and they have their golden ticket to heaven. So, somehow i feel like I have to swing the other way. Belittling my freedom. Putting it in a box. Placing chains and restraints on how far it can take me. Placing the shackles of legalism on my wrists. Slapping myself on the back of the hand every time I fail. Getting upset when I fall short. Feeling angry when I sin, and getting frustrated when I continue to put things in front of God. It's so, so hard for me to accept that God isn't angry with me when I don't fulfill the law. I totally don't get that. How can He be okay with me failing? I'm definitely not okay with myself. It's so hard for me grasp the concept that my price has been paid. When God looks at me, He no longer sees my sin. He doesn't see my filth. I've been washed in the blood of the Lamb.
I think it's hard for me to grasp this because while my old self is dead, I still sin. I'm not a slave to sin - I definitely see the difference there, and I've seen how I've grown in that sense, but I still sin. Yes, I'm a new creation - Christ lives in me. I hate that I sin. I hate that I still have an indwelling sin nature. I hate my depravity.
I need to remind myself that Jesus is enough. I think, somehow, it doesn't connect in my mind that Jesus dying was enough, no, more than enough to satisfy the wrath of God. I think somehow I'm afraid. Afraid that somehow I'm not completely covered, that my sin is too sinful for Jesus' blood to cover. Which is ridiculous, and heretical. Sometimes things just don't make it to my heart.
Grace is radical. It's crazy. I don't understand, but I'm praying that God will move this knowledge from my head to my heart. Lord, give me understanding.
Jesus blood is enough. Nothing but the blood of Jesus could cleanse me from my sinfulness. I. Am. Free.


From an article by Tullian Tchividjian:
Like Job’s friends, we naturally conclude that good people get good stuff and bad people get bad stuff. The idea that bad people get good stuff is thickly counterintuitive; it seems terribly unfair and offends our sense of justice. Even those of us who have tasted the radical saving grace of God find it intuitively difficult not to put conditions on grace. The truth is that a “yes grace, but” posture is the kind of posture that perpetuates slavery in our lives and in the church.
Grace is radically unbalanced. It has no “but”; it’s unconditional, uncontrollable, unpredictable, and undomesticated. As Doug Wilson put it recently, “Grace is wild. Grace unsettles everything. Grace overflows the banks. Grace messes up your hair. Grace is not tame. In fact, unless we are making the devout nervous, we are not preaching grace as we ought.”
What the Pharisee, the prostitute, and everyone in-between need to remember every day is that Christ offers forgiveness full and free from both our self-righteous goodness and our unrighteous badness. This is the hardest thing for us to believe as Christians. We think it’s a mark of spiritual maturity to hang on to our guilt and shame. We’ve sickly concluded that the worse we feel, the better we actually are.
God’s grace doesn’t demand you get clean before you come to Jesus.
It is true! No strings attached. No but’s. No conditions. No need for balance. If you are a Christian, you are right now under the completely sufficient imputed righteousness of Christ. Your pardon is full and final. In Christ, you’re forgiven. You’re clean. It is finished.

Christmas & Skewed Perceptions

Shoot.
Today I was reading my favorite blog (Theresurgence) and found myself ready for Christmas to be over so the posts wouldn't be about baby Jesus anymore. I let that thought sink in for a few minutes before I realized how skewed that was.
 I'm realizing more and more that my heart isn't ready for Christmas. It's so much easier for me to block off and wall off my heart than to be open and vulnerable and allow Jesus to do His work. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the consumerism of Christmas. The flashing lights, the "more" mentality, even the focus on family can be distracting. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of the season, and completely forget the reason behind it.
Christmas isn't about the flashing lights. Christmas isn't about cookies. Christmas isn't about comfort. Christmas isn't about consumerism. Christmas isn't even about family. Christmas is about Jesus. Christmas is about celebrating His birth and the beginning of what became a beautiful tragedy - the beautiful tragedy that saved us from the grip of death.
I'm challenging myself, and I'll challenge you too, to get your hearts right. To think on the reason for Christmas. To not just let another year go by riddled with busyness, but to rest in Christ. Take a step back from the flashing lights and abundance of red and green and instead find yourself kneeling in a stable by a manger. Find yourself in the simplicity of Christmas, and instead of focusing on what we've been told Christmas is, focus on wanting more of Christ. Mas Christ. Christmas.

Finals Week, Let's Go

Reasons why I'm excited to go home:
--> Family.
--> Friends
--> Freedom from homework
--> FREE TIME!
--> Crazy amounts of dates with Jesus.
--> Christmas & joy
--> Sleep
--> Did I mention no homework?
--> Bucket lists
--> Catching up with friends
--> Drinking insane amounts of coffee
--> Baking and cooking whatever I want
--> Time to design for fun
--> Time to reflect on the year & spend time alone
--> Home. Comfort. Breathing.


Dear finals, do your worst.
Subscribe to: Posts ( Atom )