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It Is Well

It is well with my Soul.
These words keep circulating in my mind.
It is well.
I am at rest.
While my body may have insane amounts of energy, the Lord has given my soul so much peace.
I've never breathed as deeply.
I've never so deeply desired to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
I've never desired to serve on such a deep level.
The past couple days God has really given me His eyes for His people and shown me the love He has for them.
Wow. God loves us SO MUCH.
Sometimes I just get super overwhelmed with how much Jesus loves me.
I cry. I laugh. I sing.
Love like this can't be canned up inside. It can't be contained. It MUST be shared, or you'll explode.
I feel the unity of Christ. I feel the Spirit moving in my heart.
No. I am not sufficient. I fall short. I fail, but Jesus doesn't and He didn't.
There is SO much peace in that.
I don't have to force sanctification. It comes with time. It WON'T happen overnight.
Instead of just being frusterated at the turtle pace that is my sanctification, I find a lot of peace in the fact that it's not going to happen overnight.
It's okay to mess up, to fall short, and to be insufficient - because Christ is. He didn't mess up. He didn't fall short. He was sufficient, so I don't have to be.
Peace. Rest. Love.
It is well with my Soul.

Knock-Out Lessons & the Slow Sanctification Process

I love those days when God hits you over the head with a lesson you needed to learn. So good.
This summer especially I struggled a lot with being frustrated by sanctification.
It's a slow process, and more than ever I've been praying that somehow God would just give me an extreme dosage so I could get it over with and just be like Jesus. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of sinning. I'm tired of my earthly body and imperfections.
I constantly strive to deepen my theological knowledge. I constantly strive to grow. I strive for sanctification.
What's wrong with that picture?
Me. That's what's wrong. I somehow think I can speed up the process if I close my eyes and count to three and spin around 10 times super quickly. The reality is, despite of me, God will sanctify me. I don't have to do anything but trust Him and leave it in His capable hands.
Wow. Chains falling off.
This summer was hard, but God has taught me so much. He's been relieving my burdens like there's no tomorrow and slowly but surely I'm running into His marvelous light.
He's taking the chains from my heart and lifting the baggage from my shoulders so I can slowly stand, and in time run again. Oh Lord, sanctify me in YOUR time.
I've never truly understood the concept of rest.
I'm someone who can never sit still. I'm convinced I even move around constantly in my sleep, so you can see why the idea of silence and peace is a little foreign to me.
I've been gaining a deeper understanding lately. My body is still jittery, but my soul is at rest.
I've found contentment in the sweet arms of Christ - and there is truly nothing better than that. I'm learning about love from Him who is Love incarnate. Oh, to be held and cherished by the Creator of the world.
Marriage? Who cares.
Future? God's got it.
Right now, for the first time in my entire life - I'm truly content to leave it in God's capable hands.
I don't have to worry. I don't have to work at sanctification. God is in control, and He's doing a good work in me.
Sanctify me, Lord. Make me more like You. Continue to make me fall deeper in love with you on a daily basis.

"For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified"

    And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.
  
(1 Corinthians 2:1-5 ESV)

This passage hit me to the core a few days ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since then. So often I get so caught up in theology, in big words, and in sounding intelligent and wise that I forget the point of the gospel: Jesus. I don't have to use big words. The gospel can stand for itself. Here Paul talks about letting the Spirit give him words, instead of trying to come up with his own from his own wisdom. Weeeeell, Shoot. Definitely something I need to learn. Lord, help me to focus more on Christ than the pursuit of theology and allow Your Spirit to lead me. Help me to trust that You'll give me words to say instead of me trying to have all the right answers.

False Apostles & Ohh Shoot Moments

2 Corinthians 11.
Boom. False Apostles.
So many times in the past I've thought to myself "well, those don't exist anymore so this doesn't really apply" when in reality, false apostles are just as prevelent now as they were then.
There are so many different movements even within the Church.
The universalist movement.
The all Spirit focused movement.
Even the gospel movement.
I've found myself being swayed by the latter. I've had conversations about the gospel in which Jesus Christ wasn't mentioned once. Grace overshadowed our Savior.
Grace is good - but even good things can be idols and false apostles if they get in the way of the Truth of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
Lord, help me to believe and understand the true gospel - not a knock-off.

Coffee, Fizzy Tabs, and Grace

Some mornings - God meets me where I am, and whispers melodiously to my heart.
Even when I don't know what I need, He provides encouragement and conviction in the deepest of ways - to the depths of my soul.
"For this light and momentary affliction is preparing or us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are the transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." {2 Corinthians 4:17-18}
Coffee. Josh Garrels. Jesus. It's a good morning.
The sun is shining. His grace and mercy is new each morning. I am free from the shackles of sin.
Grace is like a fizzy tab that will slowly dissolve into the depths of my soul until I meet my maker.
It's not something I'm every going to be able to fully grasp, but slowly, I believe God will continue to reveal His grace and mercy to me. To bring little bubbles of appreciation and gratitude and slowly embed its way into my heart.
Sometimes this comes through glimpses of the depth of my depravity. Without Him, I don't desire Him whatsoever. That, in my sinful state, and in my sin nature I will never choose God over sin. It's by the grace of God that I've been given that choice, and I am eternally grateful.
Sometimes it comes through good times. When I see Jesus working. When I see His grace more evidently through those around me. When I read His Word and gain a deeper understanding of the sacrifice that has given me this beautiful redemption.
Other times I'm just overwhelmed by Christ. There are days when I forget to breathe when I'm talking to Him. How can He want to talk to me? How can He desire a relationship with me? These two questions baffle me to no end - but they bring me to a deeper gratitude.
As I look outside to the sun shining through the trees, I'm filled with wonder at the works of our glorious Maker.
I've been learning a lot about prayer lately, and what it looks like to have constant communion with the Lord. Wowza. He is good. Praying for those around me. Praying for kids at school, for my family, for my friends, for people I'll meet, etc. Constant prayer. Constant communion. So good. I've been praying that God would give me a deeper desire to pray, and He comes through - not always right when I ask Him too or in the ways I expect, but He comes through nonetheless. He knows so much better than I do what I need, anyways.
Our God is good. He is SO incredibly faithful. I am deeply grateful.

The depths of God's Heart

Prayer.
God has really been teaching me the power of prayer lately.
Prayer has so much impact, but so often I forget to ask God about things.
 For instance: last night I was listening to a sermon and got about 20 minutes in before I realized I'd forgotten to pray.
I stopped and asked God to reveal His heart to me on a deeper level and give me a deeper understanding of who He is.
Wow, He definitely answers prayers.

I just wanted everyone to love Jesus.
 My heart burns for those who will never experience the freeing and redemptive love of Christ.
I can't imagine going through life without Him.
Today I weep for those who will miss the greatest thing in life: a relationship with Jesus.
Today I can see God's desire for His people.
His desire to save us, to know us, and for us to know Him.
Lord, use me to bring others into your Kingdom.

Summer Sippin' & Learning on the Run

Wowza. This summer has been crazy.
I don't think I've ever spent as much time upset, mad, or frusterated with God as I have this summer - or learned as much.
It's been a bumpy road, that's for sure - but like in all things, God has taught me SO much.
Hah. Even when I try to run away from Him, He's teaching and molding me into the woman He created me to be.
A) I've learned a lot about His faithfulness. Oh, have I ever. By the time camp was over, I was really tired of being attacked by satan. I was tired of trials. I was tired of temptations. I was tired of being attacked. I was just done. So, I subconsciously decided the easiest way to get the devil off my back was to run away from God. To stop talking to Him. To stop making Him priority. But, in the process I layed down my armor and curled into a ball. But, instead of walking away pleased like I thought satan would, He took the opportunity to kick me and up his attacks from prevelent to relentless. So, once again, MY plans failed. So, I put on my armor again and got on my knees. Lord, fight for me - because I sure don't have the strength.
B) I've learned to be real. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to not be okay. We live in a fallen world, and I'm definitely a sinner - so I'm going to fall short and I'm going to struggle. Fact.
C) I focus a lot on the pursuit of theological knowledge, which isn't bad - but I got so wrapped up in the knowledge part that I left Jesus on the sideline instead of making Him the focus. Theology - Jesus = nothing. Jesus + nothing = everything. Boom. So, theology is good - but I've been learning to accept three words that you learn the minute you hear about Jesus. Jesus loves me.
JESUS loves me.
Jesus LOVES me.
Jesus loves ME.
Crazy.
D) It's okay to not have the answers.
Wow. I find SO MUCH PEACE in that.
Thank-you Jesus for coming through when I fall short, which is far too often.
E) I want to be perfect. So bad. You have no idea. If there's anything I want, it's to reach perfection. To reach glorification. But, the process of sanctification is lifelong. I will never be perfect on this earth. I will fall short. I will struggle. I will stumble.
I'm always going to have idols. I'm always going to be striving and never succeeding.
BUT - God isn't mad at me when I suck. He isn't angry when I fall short. Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.
When He sees me, He no longer sees my filth - He sees His Son.
All the more reason to strive to be like Christ.
F) I really like control. I've seen my control idol rear it's ugly head more than I wish I had this summer. Whether it's by not trusting God with my future, tomorrow, or the day to day - it was there. I struggle so much to trust God in all situations. I hate not knowing.
G) For so long I've envied those who found freedom in Christ. I've read about the freedom I should feel and seen it in many of my friends, but I'd never truly experienced it until this summer. I no longer feel burdened by my relationship with Christ. I no longer feel like I HAVE to do things or He'll be mad, but I WANT to do them. I want to read my bible. I want to talk to Him. I want to worship Him. They aren't just things I'm supposed to do or I have to do. Freedom. He isn't mad if I miss a day of reading. I just love Him so much. Aaaahhh. Freedom. So much freedom.
H) I hate being weak. OH, how I hate being weak. I want to be strong. I want to not struggle. I want to be sanctified completely. But, this summer I've seen God use my weaknesses more than ever before. I've seen Him use the hardships and experiences I've gone through to further His Kingdom, and it's been so great. SO great.
I) He is my anchor. All I need is Jesus. Even when everything else seems to tumble, I cling to the cross and the redemption I find in Christ.
J) I love my sweet Jesus.
K) There is rest for my soul in communion with the Lord.

Jesus loves me, this I know?

I am accepted, even when I feel unacceptable.
I am loved, even when I feel unlovable.
I am desired, even when I feel undesirable.
I am forgiven, even when I feel unforgivable.
I am a child and heir, even when I feel abandoned.
I am cherished, even when I feel forgotten.
I am held, even when I feel alone.
I am safe, even when I feel afraid.
I am free to be weak, even when I feel like I'm expected to be strong.
I am free to fail, even when I feel like I'm expected to be perfect.

When God looks at me, He sees His Son.
Not all the ways I fall short.
Not all my sin.
Not all of my idols,
but His perfect and blameless Son.
I am free to fail, because He didn't.
I am free to be weak, because He is strong.
I am free to find rest in the core truth that I am infinitely loved by the Creator of the world.
Jesus. Loves. ME.
Jesus LOVES me.
JESUS loves me.

Struggles & Self Hatred

Brokenness. Vulnerability. Weakness.
Those may be the three words I loath the most in the english language.
I hate weakness.
I hate admitting I'm broken.
I hate realizing I can't do it on my own.
I hate being open about things I'm struggling with.
I'm much more comfortable putting on a mask.
The mask of seeming perfection.
The mask of perpetual happiness.
The mask that says "I'm always okay" "i like who I am" I'm not struggling."
The truth is that i hate myself.
There are days when I can't stand myself.
I don't like who I am.
I'm my hardest critic.
I struggle to thank God for creating me the way I am.
I get frustrated when I struggle and hate when I have idols.
I especially get upset when I backslide.
I want sanctification to be overnight.
I want to be perfect. I want to be happy. I want to focus on God all the time.
But I don't.
I fall short. I'm weak. I mess up.
I suck. I sin. I put things in front of God.
And it's frustrating. And often I hate myself for it.
I punish myself for sinning and pull away from God when I'm struggling.
How could He still love me when I'm running in the opposite direction?
How could He still desire me when I don't feel desired or desirable?
How could He ever want my company when I'm drenched in the filth of my sin?
I don't understand it.
It's easier for me to accept that God's upset with me for sinning and falling short than to accept that He loves me unconditionally.
Jesus loves me.
The three hardest words for me to accept.
Hard to accept than "you are ugly" or "you are hated" or "no one likes you."
I'm insecure.
I hate who I am.
I don't accept compliments.
I'm constantly trying to fix myself.
To be better.
To struggle less.
To look better.
To be thinner. Prettier. More artsy. More preppy. Funnier. Happier.
I desire so much so to be liked, not by others, but by myself - that it's exhausting.
I don't necessarily care what other people cares, but I care what I think of myself.
And I'm never satisfied.
I'm never skinny enough. I'm never pretty enough. I'm never outgoing enough.
There's always something wrong.
I'm never spiritual enough.
I struggle too much.
I can't balance things.
I'm too nerdy. I'm too shallow. I'm too fake.
It's easier for me to be fake with people than to be real.
I feel comfortable behind my mask.
It fits my face.
It gives me an aura of confidence. That I know who I am, and that I like that person.
It makes me feel powerful.
It makes me feel like I can help other people without them getting too close.
It's easy for me to hide behind a laugh or a smile, but my eyes often are doors to the pain below.
I like listening to other people's problems and trying to help them, but the minute they ask me how I'm doing - I shut down.
I hate burdening people, thus I hate talking about myself.
Seldom do I show my emotions.
Seldom do I show how I'm truly doing.
The masks makes it easy to fake a smile.
To pretend that I'm doing great.
I overcompensate when I'm struggling, frantically scrambling for an answer to why I'm struggling in the way I am or trying to find an answer to have supposed closure.
The reality is this:
I try to put a tiny piece of duct tape on a fountain of pain and unexpressed emotions.
It doesn't hold it in.
Just because I know the right answer or have a verse for it doesn't mean it's sunk in yet.
It's okay for me to not be okay.
It's okay to struggle.
Jesus loves me.
What? How? I don't understand.
It's crazy to me.
Even when I hate myself, Jesus still loves me.
And God isn't mad at me for struggling, for sucking, for sinning.
I was, and am, covered by the blood of Christ - so God sees Jesus' perfection, instead of my shortcomings.
Truth is sometimes hard to swallow.
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