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Current State of the Union: Overwhelmed

A couple weeks ago if you had asked me how I felt about college I'd have told you I was ecstatic. A week after that I'd have told you impatient. Last week I'd have told you anxious. But this week my overarching theme of emotion is feeling overwhelmed. I glance around my room and all I see is boxes. My closet? Empty. My dresser? Empty. My desk? Empty. All the comforts of having somewhere to put my clean laundry are gone, instead its thrown into tubs and bins to be carted off to college next Tuesday. I'm packed, but its not organized. I feel prepared, but at the same time I feel like I'm never going to be ready. I don't want to say goodbye. I realized today that the number of times I'll see my best friends before I leave can be counted on one hand, and that made me nervous. Like I'm sliding down a waterslide and I don't want to drop off the end. As it twists and turns I stifle a scream as it plummets me through its darkened interiors, when all I wanted was a light and a brake peddle. But sadly, waterslides don't come with either of those things. As I slip and slide down the chute as it plummets me closer and closer to the end I can't help but wish I could somehow grip and grasp the sides to slow myself down. To be able to take in the last whiff of homemade cookies. To take in every last moment I have with my family. To enjoy every last laugh with my friends. To cherish each moment that I'm given. These last days seem to stretch out forever, and a part of me really believes they'll never end. That I'll be stuck here perpetually bouncing between high school and college, but I'll never leave. That I'll stay comfortable at home with my parents and my friends. Reality? I'm leaving for college in 9 days. I'm packed and as ready as I'll ever be. There's one thing I know for sure. Well two things. One: I'll never be ready, but I'm prepared. Two: God is going to be right by my side holding my hand. So what do I have to fear? So as I plummet through the darkened tubes of rushing water, I smile and thank the Lord for the journey I've had so far. I thank him for the good times and the bad, and how He has shaped me to be the woman I am today. And I pray that He will guide my path in life so that I can best honor Him with my life and bring glory to His name. I'm nearing the end of this water slide before I go to a new water park and run up the stairs to the top, ready to jump into whatever journey God has planned for me next. Where ever that slide will take me, I'm prepared to go. After all, if God is for us, who can be against us?

"Worry has never brightened a day, solved a problem, or cured a disease."

Worry. I worry all the time. Right now? I worry about college. Constantly. It's like this whirlpool that's slowly sucking me down, down, down into its watery grip until its grasp on me is so tight that it threatens to choke me and pull me under entirely. Now if that was where this all ended? This would be a very depressing blog post that would eventually lead to my imminent demise by way of drowning, but good news! That's not where it stops.  Because while I may be choking on my worrying, God is there. And He is ripping me out of the whirlpool and into His warm embrace. Worrying? Is just a way that I am telling God that He isn't enough. That I can't trust that He is in control and that He knows what is best for me. Worry takes away from precious time I could be spending in other ways. Worrying can consume you, until all you do is worry instead of enjoying the moments you've been placed in. Worry takes the place of Joy and robs you of precious time and happiness. Because when you worry? You aren't living in the present. You're constantly thinking about the future and the unknown that it brings. When you worry you miss out on the opportunities God has given you right where you are.
In Matthew 6:25-34 it says:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Moral of the story? Worrying is a waste of time and it undermines the glory of God, and that, my friends, is a sin. Who are we to question the plans of God? He knows. We don't, and we need to trust Him.  Once we have given Him control, we can go on with our lives and find the Joy that is contentment in Christ, and oh, the Joy that can be found.
Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways acknowledge him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

Childhood, College, the Future - Oh My!

 College is in 10 days. Part of me still feels like a kid. I want my crayons back. Okay, so they're in my backpack ready to go for college. But that's besides the point. I want my parents back. Alright, so I still have them too. But it's not the same. I want my innocence back. That I have in a sense lost, as I've become more aware of the world and its destruction. I miss those day where I could just sit in the sandbox with the neighbor kids. Or play lion king on our swing set. Or dump pixie sticks on the rocks in the front flowerbed and lick it off. Childhood. Oh, how I miss it sometimes. I look back and miss the peaceful oblivion of everything that makes up our world, but at the same time I'm glad I'm at where I am. Because if I wasn't - I wouldn't be who I am. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

The other half of me wants to be older. To be married. To just have that one person you can always turn to and talk to. That person you can laugh with and cry with. That person to depend on and who can depend on you. Someone to cook for. Clean for. Count down the minutes until he gets home. Someone to watch movies with. To be silly with. To have deep spiritual talks with. To fold laundry with. To pray with. To go running with. To fly kites with. To go to the zoo. To just have that someone that will always be there. But, at the same time, I need to recognize that God can also be that person. That He can fill that hole in my heart until it is His time. That He can take that place. I can laugh with him and cry with Him. He's always there for me. He listens to me. He teaches me. He loves me. Sometimes, I just want to be older. Or those others times I already talked about when I wish I was still a kid. When I was a kid I always wanted to be older. I feel like some of that time was wasted because of that.

Then there's yet another part of me that is happy where I am. Content to let God take me where He may. To enjoy each and every moment I have on this earth, but recognize that this isn't my home. That I need not store up treasures here, because in all honesty - you don't bring anything with you when you die. So why waste time on things that don't have any eternal value? Invest in people, not cars or shoes or the stock market. College brings a whole new chapter in life. And I'm as ready for it as I'll ever be. I recognize the fact that I'm scared. It's new. It's different. Life will never be the same again. My home will no longer be my home. I'll never get the opportunity to spend this much time with my family. My friends may change. But I find security and peace in the fact that no matter what happens - God never changes. He is unchanging, and that is a very comforting fact. No matter how uncomfortable the circumstances. No matter how scary. No matter how different or difficult. God is there. He will always be there. He has always been there. And He is there now.
Psalm 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."

"Golf, like nylon running shorts, reveals a lot about a person."

I'm reading a book called "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado that goes through Psalm 23. And man, is it good. I didn't realize how much I like Max Lucado until I started this book. He writes in a way that's attention grabbing, witty, but at the same time can be really convicting. I mean, if you saw my copy of this book pretty much every word is underlined in some way. It's that good. He talks about the burdens we carry and how we're supposed to trust God with the burdens we were never intended to bear.
"What's true in jogging is true in faith. God has a great race for you to run. Under his care you will go where you've never been and serve in ways you've never dreamed. But you have to drop some stuff. How can you share grace if you are full of guilt? How can you offer comfort if you are disheartened? How can you life someone else's load if your arms are full with your own?"
In the second chapter he talks about how in verse one David uses the word Yahweh. Yahweh is my sheperd.

"Why Yahweh? Yahweh is God's name. You can call me preacher or writer or half-baked golfer - these things are accurate descriptions, but these aren't my names. I might call you dad, mom, doctor, or student, and those terms may describe you, but they aren't your name. If you want to call me my by my name, say Max. If I call you by your name, I say it. And if you want to call God by his name, say Yahweh."
Yahweh is an unchanging, uncaused, and an ungoverned God.

"You and I are governed. The weather determines what we wear. The terrain tells us how to travel. Gravity dictates our speed, and health determines our strength. We may challenge these forces and alter them slightly, but we never remove them.
God - our sheperd - doesn't check the weather; he makes it. He doesn't defy gravity; he created it. He isn't affected by health; he has no body. Since he has no body, he has no limitations - equally active in Cambodia as he is in Connecticut."
 "You can no more alter God than a pebble can alter the rhythm of the Pacific."

"We humans wants to do things our way. Forget the easy way. Forget the common way. Forget the best way. Forget God's way. We want to do things our way."
"If your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink, or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want."
"Who you are has nothing to do with the clothes you wear or the car you drive."
 "Contentment comes when we can honestly say with Paul 'I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have...I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty' (Philippians 4:11-12)"
"We see the waves of the water rather than the Savior walking through them. We focus on our paltry provisions rather than on the One who can feed five thousand hungry people. We concentrate on the dark Fridays of crucifixion and miss the bright Sundays of resurrection."
I've been reading this book non-stop since I bought it for 3 dollars at a general store by my grandma's house. It's good. It's practical. It makes sense. It's funny. It's convicting. It warms your heart and breaks it all in one chapter. It's Max Lucado.
It brings back your focus to the only thing that matters - God. And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
So I recommend this book highly. Traveling Light by Max Lucado. Read it. It's good.
The end. Have a nice day.

Mmm. Life.

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say.
   "More, more."
   I have God's more-than-enough,
   More joy in one ordinary day
Than they get in all their shopping sprees.
   At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep,
   For you, God, have put my life back together. 
-- Psalm 4:6-8 (Message)

That passage pretty much sums up life for me the past couple days.  My life is like a vase. My sin caused it to fall to the ground and shatter. God lovingly swept up each and every piece and gently glued every shard back in its place. I am once again whole, and God will use the cracks for His glory, just like He will use my weaknesses for His glory. Isn't it encouraging and freeing to know that even though we fail and make mistakes so, so often that God can that? It shouldn't be surprising, He is, after all, the creator of the Universe. He is God, and I am not. And for that fact I am pleased.
I'm just happy. God has given me an overflowing Joy. Mmm. The Joy of peace in Christ. Contentment, but not comfort or laziness - contentment that causes me to desire more and more of God. He is good.

Is It Love?

 You wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
He was the last one you talked to before you fell asleep
and the first one you talk to in the morning.
Every time you think of Him, you smile.
Your heart fills with Joy at the thought of spending time with Him.
You would do anything for Him.
His name?
Jesus.

Reflections/ Updated Testimony

A couple days ago I was staring at the box of stuff that represents the past 18 years of my life and thinking. What do I really have to show for my time so far on earth? What will people remember me for? Will I be remember for being tall? Funny? Smart? Interesting? Or will I be remembered for my insane love for Jesus? For my overflow of compassion? For my sympathy and understanding? For being a woman of prayer and for earnestly seeking after the will of God? I pray that somehow, it will be something from the latter group. I was looking back on my life and trying to pinpoint the moment I really began to truly believe in Christ. I prayed the prayer when I was five, more out of fear than anything, but at the time I had no idea what I was saying. I thought that after I had said those words, I was good to go. I had my ticket to heaven, and I could go on with my life. I didn't understand that it isn't just about believing. It's about following. It's not about going through life like everyone else. Fitting in. Being just another face in the crowd. It's about really making a mark for Christ and being different. Earth is not our home. If people who don't know you can't tell you're a Christian, you should be concerned. They should be able to look at you and tell from your actions or listen to your words and know that you are different. They should be able to see Christ through you. As a 5 year old? I definitely didn't understand that. Not in the least. I ended up going through life not caring a whit about God. I had my ticket, that's all I needed from Him. Nice doing business with you. I'll read my bible when I'm older and not waste my time now. Those were definitely thoughts that crossed my mind when I was younger. I was a naive home schooler until halfway through 5th grade when I was thrust into the public school system, much to my chagrin. I was not pleased, and in all honesty I hated it. They kids weren't nice. The homework wasn't challenging. And all I really wanted to do was be at home so I could read. 6th grade brought a year of sweatshirts, huge hoop earrings, and large reading material. I read little women in a week, Eragon in a couple days, and was constantly looking for bigger and more challenging things to read. I was also a pathological lier. I lied to my parents constantly about the stupidest things. "Did you put that doll where it goes?" "Yes." When really I had just thrown it on a shelf. From the time I was 10-11 I slept in my parents room in a sleeping bag. I was deeply afraid of the dark - more specifically to be alone in the dark. I was scared to death of Satan, and he had a huge grip on me at that point through my lying. One night my parents decided they were tired of me sleeping in their room and told me I'd just have to try sleeping in my room for one night. Finally after hours of crying, in a last resort I reached out to God. Instantly my fear was gone. In 7th grade I started my search. I had come to the realization that I was missing something, and I wanted whatever it was. I tried being popular - wearing the right clothes, being nice to the right people, and acting a certain way. But it didn't fill the gap in my heart. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I went to counseling, and all I wanted to do was be normal. In 8th grade I searched through friends. I tried to find a friend group that would satisfy my emptiness. But much to my dismay - I was once again left feeling empty and alone. In 9th grade I turned to swearing. I felt that if I used the right (or the wrong) grammar, I would fit in. But once again, I was left feeling empty and alone. The summer after freshman year I went to Hidden Acres for two weeks instead of one. I had gone ever since I was in the 3rd grade, so it wasn't anything new except it was for a longer period of time. I had a counselor who honestly loved God with all of her heart, and she just radiated Christ in a way that I had never seen before in my life. I'd gone to church every Sunday since birth, but I had no idea what it meant to truly love the Lord. Throughout the two weeks we were there she was just so encouraging, and I left with a renewed hope that I knew what I was missing. Sadly, after a couple weeks I slid back in to everyday routine. This year, Sophomore year, was the year of boys. I didn't do anything bad but I just texted them a lot more than I should have and dwelled on it more than I should have. It was a distraction and became my whole focus of that year. I applied and got accepted to Junior Counsel at camp that summer, and I was ecstatic. However, I had a limited knowledge of the bible from not having opened it myself very often. I can honestly say my spiritual stability was pretty low, and my patience levels were low as well. I was a grade A counselor. A for awful. I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow through the grace of God I made it through. After that summer I think that's when it actually clicked. That God was something more than just someone we learned about on Sundays and Wednesdays. Church doesn't define God, because in all honesty sometimes church is boring - and God is anything but that. Junior year was better. I started doing daily devotions and my faith became my own. It was at that point that it all clicked. I counseled again at Hidden Acres that next summer as a JC, and while I can't say I was the best JC there was, I was significantly better than the year before. Junior year brought about trials of its own, though. Friend issues started, and I just felt alone a lot of the time. I turned to God some of the time, but I could have definitely done that more often. In a high school as big as the one I went to, you were labelled and known by what activities you were involved in. For me that was showchoir. I had been in showchoir ever since the 8th grade, so for most people being in the varsity showchoir for your senior year was the regular step and the year to end all years of an awesome time. But throughout junior year I had felt God tugging on my heart. Because I was in showchoir, I was comfortable. And because I was comfortable, I wasn't reaching out. I had heard numerous speakers talk about their regrets for not reaching out in high school and how much of a mission field it is. So instead of doing choir and showchoir yet again, I dropped them and took up art classes that went along with my major. I'm not saying that I took every opportunity I could have to make an impact for Christ. There were days where I just didn't want to, even when I knew God was telling me He wanted to. But at the same time I did most of the time, and I'm grateful for the opportunities God gave me. But senior year came with its own challenges. My body image idol reared its ugly head when during the first month of school I tackled the harry potter book series & the snack cabinet. I had always been in volleyball & showchoir in the past, so food wasn't a worry of mine whatsoever. In fact - I prided myself on the fact that I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. But after a summer at camp with high calorie food and high quantities - that didn't die down as senior year came, and I gained 10 lbs. I lost confidence in myself. I stopped growing in my relationship with Christ as food and exercise became the main focus of my life. Before I'd eat anything I'd look up how many calories were in it and decide how much of it I could eat. I'd kickbox every night, and each morning I'd step on the scale and hope that I'd dropped a couple 1/10ths of a lb. If I did? I felt better about myself. I was more outgoing that day. I allowed myself a small treat - a couple M&Ms, time to relax, or a less intense workout. If I gained even a teensy, teensy bit? I'd freak out. I'd confine my food intake the next day in hopes that I would do better the next time. Senior Year. Yeah, I read my bible every night. Yes I thought I was learning, but it was like in video games when your character is running up against a wall. Sure, I thought I was going somewhere. My legs were moving! But there was a wall in front of it that I'd built up so high that there was no way I could even come close to seeing over the top. So there I was. It was May. I had graduated. And I had finally seen what I had been doing all year. I cried. I prayed. And God is faithful. This summer I counseled yet again at camp - this time with a different focus in the past. First summer I was focused on myself and making friends. Second summer I was focused on campers and making them like me. But this summer? This summer was about God. This summer was about trying to serve others. To pour into my JCs. To grow. To be challenged. This summer I prayed that God would use it to grow me, and man did He ever. My desire for the Lord cannot be satiated. It's a constant need that never fully goes away. I'm recognizing how supremely weak I am, and how incredibly strong He is. My prayer for college is that He will continue to grow and challenge me in insane ways. My prayer is that God will take my life and mold it to His will and use my weaknesses for His strength. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  -- Galatians 2:20

Jesus Talks, Downtown Walks, and Heavy Rocks

A) So I'm reading "When I don't Desire God" by John Piper, and it's just really good. Sometimes I struggle with reading Piper because I feel like a lot of times he takes one thought and stretches it over an endless amount of pages, but in the end what He has to say is pretty good most of the time. I've really been convicted and encouraged by this book and I'm only halfway through chapter 4.
Indifference to the pursuit of joy in God would be indifference to the glory of God, and that is sin.
Would it not be an encouragement to a subject, to hear his prince say
to him, You will honor and please me very much, if you will go to
yonder mine of gold, and dig as much gold for yourself as you can
carry away? So, for God to say, Go to the ordinances, get as much
grace as you can, dig out as much salvation as you can; and the more
happiness you have, the more I shall count myself glorified. - Thomas Watson
 Christ is to be Cherished, not Chosen.
 The fight for joy in Christ is not a fight to soften the cushion of Western comforts. It is a fight for strength to live a life of self-sacrificing love. It is a fight to join Jesus on the Calvary road and stay there with him, no matter what.
 The aim is that Jesus Christ be made known in all the world
as the all-powerful, all-wise, all-righteous, all-merciful, all-satisfying
Treasure of the universe.
This will happen when Christians don’t just say that Christ is valuable,
or sing that Christ is valuable, but truly experience in their hearts
the unsurpassed worth of Jesus with so much joy that they can say, “I
count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing
Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:8). Christ will be glorified in the world
when Christians are so satisfied in him that they let goods and kindred
go and lay down their lives for others in mercy, missions, and, if necessary,
martyrdom. He will be magnified most among the nations when,
at the moment Christians lose everything on earth, they say, “To live is
Christ, and to die is gain” (Phil. 1:21). 
 Christ is supremely glorious and supremely valuable. Therefore He is worth the fight.
 I was just really encouraged and challenged by a lot of things so far. I like to be challenged. God wants us to be joyful. Yes - we are going to be persecuted, but finding the joy in that through the knowledge that it's through trials and persecutions that we grow in our faith the most is a glorious thing.


B) I'm always going through My Utmost For His Highest for my personal devo time, and man is it good!
The things that happen do not happen by chance - they happen entirely by the decree of God.
 The cross represents only one thing for us - complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ - and there is nothing in which this identification is more real to us than prayer.
The more a person knows of the inner life of God's most mature saints, the more he sees what God's purpose really is.

 Oswald Chambers was a wise man. Some of those are common sense, but I just like the way he writes it, It just makes more sense somehow.

C) Long story short I really like books.
D) I like being spontaneous. Example: Seeing a large grassy hill and rolling down it...then remembering that I'm a little bit allergic to grass and breaking out. Worth it? Every second. It reminded me of the last night in Jamaica when I jumped in the pool fully clothed. Memories. So good.
E) Fellowship. What a blessing. To just sit here with a dear friend and talk about what God has been doing in our lives and share different passages that have been lain on our hearts recently is just so good! And small group is always a great time - to be able to discuss things and get other people's opinions on them.
F) Francis Chan makes a good point:
"If I tell my daughter to go clean her room, she knows better than to come back later with her room still messy and say:
-I memorized what you said.
-I can say it in Greek.
-A group of friends and I are going to get together and study what you said.
We need to take Jesus literally and do what He says."
 G) I like how God works in different ways. He surprises me in the ways He speaks to me, but it's always very evident. This week's learning theme? Prayer is powerful. I am weak - He is strong. I am a child of God, blameless and pure in His sight. God is good and so, so faithful.
H) Job 38-39. That's the God I serve.

1 Peter 4:18-19 -- “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
   what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”
 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Uncontainable Joy

A) Joy. What a blessing it is to feel Joy again, and in general to have my emotions at least 90% returned. To be able to sympathize, to be able to empathize, to be able to laugh and cry along with others. (Romans 12:15) To have feelings and emotions once again after a draining summer. To open my bible and desire God. Desiring God - I definitely missed that emotion. The first few days my passivity kind of scared me to be honest, to come home from an extremely challenging and growing summer and feel passive about God was anything from what I expected. But God used that time to allow me to really soak up what I had learned and attempt to figure out how to apply it.
B)This week has been better. So much better. I feel overflowing with the joy of Christ and completely content in His love. After weeks of praying that I would somehow be able to accept the love of Christ - I feel like God has helped me break through a wall. Whether or not there are other walls to come I haven't found out yet - but for the moment that wall has been broken down and progress is being made. God loves me. I don't need to feel guilty necessarily. And the love of Christ is all I need.
C)At this point, I could be shoved into the jungle in the middle of South Africa with only my bible and a backpack (preferably with a knife of some sort. I would rather have SOME way to defend myself. Mechanical pencils just don't do the job) I would be happy. No distractions. Just me and Jesus. Being pushed into situations where I have to completely rely on His strength and not my own is just so good. I like it.
D)I like being challenged and not just going through daily routine passively passing the time. Monotonous days are not for me. I like adventure. Challenges. Spontaneity. I like the new testament. And the old testament.
E)I'm getting pumped for this semester's quiet times. I go through the old testament first semester and new testament second semester. It's good. Praise the Lord for the accessibility of His word.
F)At the same time, we take it for granted. There are people in other countries who have just a couple pages of the bible between multiple churches because it's illegal there, and they treat it with so much more value. The value that it deserves. Here? It's like pearls in front of swine. We have so many translations and ways to get them that we allow it to collect dust on our bookshelves and only take it down once a week for church. Guess what? That's not what its about. It's about the insane joy of opening your bible and realizing what God has given us. His word. And it is such a sweet realization to come to.
G)This week? Joy through Christ. Joy in my quiet times. Joy through opening my bible and knowing that God is doing great things whether I know it or not. He is good. He is in control. Control idol? Meet Jesus.
H) The book of James. I love it. So much. It convicts me in new ways each time I study it. I like being convicted? Somewhat. I'm not really sure if that's normal or not, but the realization that I have room to grow and that God is still working in my life is just good. He is the artist I am His statue. He is constantly chipping away at my sin and molding me into the woman that He made me to be. Mmm growth. So good.
I) I like finding joy in the little things. Like finishing off a foot long sub at subway. Eating insane amounts of fruit with no regrets. Seeing a particularly steep grassy hill and deciding to roll down it.
Praise the Lord for laughter and the ability to smile.
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