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So Far Summer 2011

Hidden Acres summer 2011.
I went into this summer with a completely different mindset. Instead of being excited for friends, seeing campers grow, or worship - I wanted to make this summer different. My prayer from the beginning has been that God would challenge and grow me in new ways each week.

Matthew 21:21-22 --Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
Lifeguard training week was crazy. It was kind of hard to be at camp without campers, 2 weeks away from having campers, and knowing that none of my close friends came for another 5 days. I'm not going to lie, it was a long week - but we made it! It was great rest, though, as I had time to really dig into the word and get filled up so that by the time staff training came around I was bursting to pour into campers. Staff training seemed really long to me since I'd already been at camp for a week, but once again I made it and was thankful for the time God gave me to go deeper into the word each morning without the added exhaustion of campers so I was spiritually filled when they finally came.
During staff training we talked about the 4 deep idols. So after praying each morning that God would challenge me the first week, I found that I was in horse camp. I don't really like horses, so I was excited for the challenge and to see how God would grow me. However, when we got to the staff meeting they asked all the counselors staying in the wagons to stand up. So we all confusedly stood up and they told us there had been a mistake and we were in horse wilderness instead. We had half an hour to throw all of the stuff we'd need for a week in a plastic bin. I look back and laugh that my only care was that I had just bought a new carton of strawberries and I didn't want them to waste, so I quickly packed then went and we shoveled strawberries into our mouths. Honestly, as hard as I thought that week would be -- it was amazing. God worked in so many ways, and it was overall just a completely different camp experience. If I work at camp again next summer I pray that I get to counsel horse wilderness again, because it was an awesome week. That week all idols were suppressed and not an issue. My power idol was taken away because there were 6 counselors, so each decision had to be run by each one before it was made so no one was in power. My control idol was taken away because there was virtually no schedule at all, we just kind of did whatever we wanted to and went by a day to day hour by hour "we'll see" schedule. Comfort - we slept in tents. We didn't shower. We smelled gross. There's no comfort like a shower and a spritz of good smelling spray. Approval -- well, we smelled bad and we wore the same clothes all week. No approval there. All in all, it was a great and growing week.
The second week I went into it thinking God was going to teach me patience. Boy, was I wrong. Not only did I learn that I will never ever be able to guess what God is going to do, but I learned to rely on God's strength in a completely different way. We had a lot of homesickness on Monday and a girl went home from it. By Monday night I broke down during worship and had to leave chapel and just get a grip on myself. I ended up pleading that God would just take over the week, at that point I really realized how much I couldn't do without His strength.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 -- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
God really worked through that week, and I loved my campers very much. They asked a lot of questions, and God gave me answers that I know I could have never known without Him.
Week 3 -- horse camp with Renae Lau. I love her, so much. That week God taught me that sometimes I'm not going to see Him working through me at all. I didn't really connect with my campers, and they were super independent and wanted nothing to do with Renae and me. It wasn't that they didn't like us, they were just independent and self sufficient. It was definitely hard for me to give to God, but I gained peace through the knowledge that He was working and that there will be weeks where I don't see the harvest or growth. At the closing ceremony the girls seemed genuinely sad to see us go, but it was definitely a tough connection week.
This last week was a short week of 2-3rd graders. We had a couple fire crackers who tried my patience hardcore sometimes. On top of relying on God and failing from time to time to show them compassion and patience, I was dealing with some deep family issues and just the pain from that. God definitely taught me to just come to Him in my times of need in prayer and trust Him to do what's best. It's hard for me to understand that sometimes He doesn't do things when I want them done and in the way I ask for them, but it always ends up being way better than I could ever ask for or imagine. God is so much greater than I am, and His knowledge is infinitely greater. Trusting Him to know what's best is something I'm continuing to work on.
So that's been the first 5 weeks of my summer so far! I have two weeks left -- Junior high and High school, so prayer would be greatly appreciated as I continue to pray that God would challenge and grow me in crazy ways in my last couple weeks at camp this summer.

My Daily Battle

I struggle with body image. As much as I like to suppress it, push it away, and pretend that that's something that other girls struggle with -- it's definitely something I've become enslaved to. While I don't really like talking about things I struggle with because it makes me think I'm weak, I know that God can use my weaknesses for His strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). So here I am, sharing about the one thing that has the greatest grip on the chain around my wrists. Body Image. Some girls just struggle with the weight aspect, but I struggle with the whole package. It wasn't until  this past year that I really realized how much it meant to me deep down. I'd always assumed that I was happy with the way I looked, but the deep idol just came out in different ways. Freshman year I talked to boys alot. Sophomore year I wore a lot of makeup. Junior year I started really pursuing God and seeking His will, but the idol was still there. Waiting to surface in some other aspect of my life. At the beginning of Senior year I sat on my couch for a couple weeks reading through a popular book series. The problem was, when I was reading I was eating. And I wasn't in volleyball or show choir anymore - so I ended up gaining 10 lbs before I knew it. It took me a while to realize what had happened, and by that point I just panicked. I started working out like a crazy women, watching what I ate, and stepping on the scale each morning. While for some people this is a normal routine and doesn't affect their everyday lives, I found myself living for that number each morning. I'd wake up and the first thing I'd do is run to the scale and see if I'd lost even a 1/10th of a lb overnight. And if the number went up a tiny bit? I freaked. I didn't eat any dessert at all that day or I'd workout even harder to overcompensate for the day before. It wasn't until May that I realized that I was living for the scale. No longer were my eyes focused on the cross, but between my feet each morning as I stepped on that scale, anxiously waiting for the number to pop up. I did lose weight, 23 lbs, and people started to notice. I dropped a couple sizes and began to feel happy about my weight again. Only this time, instead of sinking back into my regular routine that I had had all through high school, I kept on with the calorie watching and scale standing.
It took me 6 months to really realize (in May) that I wasn't living for God anymore. It actually makes me feel almost physically sick when I think about how easy it was for me to avert my eyes from what really matters. I'd let my own selfishness get in the way.
So I did the only thing I could do, I got on my knees and pleaded that God would help me. I had dug a hole and jumped into it, and there was no way I was getting out without help. As much as I'd like to say that I'm doing great now, I'm not. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but each morning I pray that God would take it away from me and that it wouldn't be a focus of mine.
I now realize factors that may have added to my outwardly appearance craze. My mom has always drilled into my that overeating is a sin, and that being overweight would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. So ever since I've been a kid, I've had a fear of being overweight. I'm 6'1. I have very few friends who are even close to my height, so I have no way of knowing what a normal weight is. As all my friends are shorter than me, I constantly feel huge. Not only in height, but they're all super skinny without trying as well. That adds to my feeling insecure about my weight because I'm always around girls who are smaller than I am and I have no way of knowing if I'm normal or not. I think beauty has always been a desire of mine even since I was a little girl, I remember always thinking I was an ugly duckling waiting to be a swan when I was 6 or 7. Now that I'm older, it makes me sad that I was that unhappy with my looks at the time that I yearned for days when I would be pretty. I definitely subconsciously compare myself to other girls constantly. It's something I'm trying to work on, but I think it's my mind's way of setting itself at ease that I'm an average weight. I'm not sure if I'll ever look in the mirror and think I'm skinny, but I'm working on being content with what God gave me and recognize myself as a creation of the Lord.
Weight and outward appearance is still a daily battle, but I'm able to get through each day with only a few momentary lapses with God's help. There's no possible way I'd be doing remotely okay without Him, and I am eternally thankful for His love, forgiveness, and grace. Tears form in my eyes each time I think about how completely unworthy I am of His constant patience with me as I run towards things of this world instead of those that will last for a lifetime.
This summer at camp I've been working on making sure God is the focus of my day instead of myself. Each morning instead of showering and putting on makeup, I brush my teeth, look in the mirror and tell myself that God made me a beautiful creation. Then I go and spend time with God. There are definitely days when I still struggle with my insecurities, and I'd be lying if I said there will ever be a time I don't struggle with it. It's a daily commitment to give it to God and focus on the Cross instead of my own appearance, but the beauty of the cross is more than enough to live for.
So regardless of how much I weigh or how pretty I am I will hold on to this one firm truth: God made me in His image (Genesis 1:27) and I will praise Him all the more because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

~ Romans 6:16-17 -- Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ~

~ Galatians 1:10 -- Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  ~

PANIC.

Now that my grad party is over, It's really kicked in. I only have 8 days left of high school. This is my last full week of school, and I won't be going back in the fall. It's exciting, scary, and makes me feel like I'm choking. As much as I'm ready to move on, I've been going to school with these guys for 6 years now. 6 years. That's a long time, and I've gotten used to seeing them in the hallways. It doesn't help that I leave for camp the day after I graduate, but at least then I have less time to think about it. It's crazy to think that, in the fall, I'll actually be at Bethel. As long as I've dreamed about it, been excited for it, and counted down the days - I didn't ever really think it'd get here. College was something that happened to old people, not me. As a kid I used to think my Senior Counselors were SO old and that there was no way I'd ever be THAT old, and here I am. Going into my third summer at Hidden Acres as a Senior Counselor, and extremely blessed to have the opportunity to come back again.
This year has been amazing. As I look back at the place I was standing in at the beginning of the year, I've grown SO much. At the beginning of the year, I had kind of disconnected from a lot of friends over the summer - so I went into the year feeling lonely, but God filled that hole. I learned to rely on God's strength instead of my own, and that even if I wouldn't have any friends (which I did) that God was there for me and he'd be my friend no matter what. Once I learned that lesson God blessed me with the most amazing friends ever! Becky Howe, Katie Swanson, and Terra Boston - I love you girls! It's been such an awesome year with a solid group of friends through youth group and small group, and now that it's time for the year to be over - I'm sad to see it go. I'm going to miss you guys so, so much when I go to college! Just thinking about it makes me want to skip college and stay at home, but I know that's not what God wants me to go -- so I'll journey on to the new, scary, unknown.  I can honestly look back and say this has been my favorite year of high school so far. I'm trying not to think of it as the end, but as the beginning. The beginning of my next stage in life instead of the end of another. God is good, and his plans for me are SO much better than I can even imagine, I'm excited to see where he's taking me.

Teenage Girl {Tough Stuff Series}

You're just another
teenage girl
trying to find your place
in this lonely world
looking for love
in all the wrong places
tired of staring
at all those blank faces
you look for acceptance
wherever you can find it
searching for the place
that into it you fit
you drink on the weekends
smoking in your car
wearing low cut shirts
trying to be the star
of your own reality TV show
a tell all interview
that shows that you're not as together
as people generally think of you
trying drugs of every color
flirting with all the player boys
trying not to get pregnant
before you graduate, it's your choice
you laugh too loudly
smile too widely
walk too quickly
flirt too deftly
to understand that you're not the only one
going through this masquerade
trying to find your place
and keep the fear at bay
seeing a crowd in every direction
of people you have to please
until the tears start rolling
and you fall to your knees
when did this all start?
you wonder inside
as you try to figure out new ways
to keep people from seeing inside your life
you don't want them to see the real you
the fake one is much more cool
you can be whoever you want
without any pain, that's the rule
but as you get older you see
it wasn't worth it at all
instead of not getting hurt
you lost yourself in the fall
you scramble to get your life back
as it slips through your hands
you just wanted to fit in
to give into all the world's demands
but here you are now
without a clue who you are
trying to take off the mask
and keep from getting scars
you look for love
 in a the wrong places
until to your real soul
you can't find the traces.

Bulimia {Tough Stuff Series}

You're the first in the bathroom
the last one out the door
You wait until it's silent
down your face the tears roll
You can't hold it back
the bile flowing in your mouth
you can't remember when it started
the day it all went south
The tears keep flowing
as you wretch and gasp for air
waiting for it to be over
as you hold back your hair
all you wanted was to be skinny
so you binge and purge it all
each day looking in the mirror
hoping one day you'll be small
You can't eat anything anymore
without guilt or feeling fat
you don't know what to do
or who could love someone like that
You flush the toilet and start to leave
then from another stall
you hear a meak voice call out
"are you alright, at all?"
You freeze in fear, what do you do?
As you slow your exit down
You call out "yeah, ate something bad"
as you try to hide your frown
You wash your hands then run away
knowing you'll be back again
no matter how many times you try
you're never going to win.

Eagerness vs. Obligation

Romans 1:15 So I am eager to come to you in Rome, too, to preach the Good News.

How often when we feel the Spirit nudging us to talk about Jesus do we inwardly groan and roll our eyes? "This isn't a good time." "I'm kind of in the middle of something." or "I'm too afraid."
But shouldn't we be excited about the gospel? Shouldn't we be sharing the Good News like there's no tomorrow? Paul is a great example in his eagerness to share his faith.
Why are we ashamed of something so incomprehensibly glorious?
We should be shouting it from the roof tops and singing it at the top of our lungs!
Jesus came to save us.
We were sinners.
We ARE sinners.
We fall short of the glory of God.
But while we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us.
Not just "kind of died" or "got a lethal injection" or "took a pill that quietly laid him to rest"
but died on the cross. On a cross.
Did you get that?
On. A. Cross.
He was beaten. Spit on. Jeered at.
It's not a quick death. It takes time.
Painful, agonizing time.
But he did that. For us.
Do we deserve it? No way. Not even close.
We should be the ones dying on the crosses, not him.
Not our glorious and perfect Jesus.
Never.
But that's not how it goes.
Jesus was the all atoning sacrifice.
The perfect lamb, slaughtered for our bloody sin.
Without his brutal death, we'd have no chance to ever bridge the gap of the chasm that stretches between us and our Holy God.
There's no way.
No matter how good you are, how many prayers you say, how many church services you sit through: You don't measure up.
Not even close.
Because we're human.
And we sin.
And God's gift to us?
Eternal life with Him in heaven.
Why? I don't think I'll ever understand.
That's right. We sin, and we still get to spend our lives, after our time on earth, in heaven worshiping God.
Wowza.
What a merciful God we serve!

So why aren't we eager to share our faith?
Why aren't we excited that all that happened just for us measly human beings?
We roll out of bed on Sunday with a groan. "I hope Pastor so and so doesn't speak too long."
Why aren't we excited to worship and be spiritually fed?
Why do we feel "obligated" to go? Why aren't we eager to get to church?
We should long for our quiet times with God daily, and look forward to those times that we get to gather as a congregation.
As you go through life ask yourself "am I eager to serve God, or am I doing it because I feel obligated?"

Letting Go

I find my mind constantly running it over in my head.
Did I make the right choice?
I prayed about it, and at the time it seemed right.
What if I wasn't listening. What if I chose my way, not His.
My desire is to follow His will, not mine.
But what if my plans got in the way?
What if they eclipsed what he was trying to say?
Am I still supposed to major in art?
Should I major in writing?
Should I follow my heart?
Am I suppose to go overseas?
Or reach out in the community, that best fits me?
All I know is that my heart is set on one thing:
Where ever God sends me, I will go.
No regrets, no whining, no Jonah.
I will do what He has planned for me.
No matter how hard, how rough, how much I have to give up.
I'll give it all just to glorify Him.

Isaiah 6:8 --
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
  
 And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

A Semi-Creepy Short Story I wrote for Creative Writing Class

Be Careful What You Wish For
            Rose yawned as she checked her watch. 5 more minutes and she’d be off of work and could go home for the weekend. She idly tapped her fingers on the keyboard as the second hand on the clock seemed to go slower and slower, even stopping altogether. Finally it reached the 8. She held in a yell of excitement as she, along with her coworkers, gathered their stuff for the weekend. As she strolled down the hallway past cubicle after cubicle, she smiled. She’d made it through her another week of work at her new company. Now just the rest of my life. She thought as she dashed down the steps and out the door. She inhaled the smoggy New York air. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this. She rummaged around in her purse for her keys. Hmm? She started looking more and more frantically when she realized she had walked to work that morning. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but as the jubilation of the weekend to come faded, she was starting to rethink her decision that morning. Come on Rose, nothing to worry about. It’s hardly been dark for half an hour! Yeah. She’d be just fine. She rationalized as she drew her sweater closer and subdued a shiver. New York after dark was not somewhere she liked to be alone. She started the brisk walk back to her apartment, swiveling her head side to side as she quickened her pace. Nothing to worry about Rose, nothing to worry about. Bang! Bang! She suppressed a scream and walked even faster, almost running now as her high heels beat a quick staccato on the pavement. Finally she made it to the intersection by her apartment. She was going to make it. As she stopped to wait for the light to tell her she could cross, she glanced to her right. Funny, I’ve never noticed that street vendor before. She edged her way closer, trying to get a peek at the sign. Only… there was no sign. She gave up all pretense of not being interested in the booth, and let her curiosity get the better of her. It’s just a little old man. She told herself, as she neared the stall. “Hello, beautiful girl. Would you like to try one of my special potions?” The old man inquired in a thick Middle Eastern accent. “Erm, no thanks,” Rose replied “just looking while I wait.” “For you? It is free. I can make all of your dreams come true in just a drop of one of these fine bottles. Would you like to find true love? Go back in time? Escape for a couple weeks? I can make that all happen.” Rose shrugged, but she was beginning to think those things didn’t sound so bad. So she’d take it back to her apartment, test it to make sure it wasn’t going to kill her, then have the poison control number handy. What could it hurt? “I…I guess I could just try one. How much did you say it costs?” “For you? Free tonight.” Rose tentatively reached out to take one of the tiny crystal bottles. She looked at the label, but it was in a foreign language. Deciding she had bothered the man long enough, she thanked him, crossed the street and neared the door to her apartment. She unlocked it with unseeing eyes, still thinking about what the man had said. Her wildest dreams come true? If only...no. That was silly. It couldn’t bring people back from the dead.  She thought as she pushed open the door to her tiny New York apartment. She dropped her bags on the couch and went over to the sink in her kitchen. Squinting to try to figure out what the label on the bottle said, she couldn’t distinguish what language it was. Typical. She thought as she turned it around in her hands, trying to find a hidden label in English or at least some language she could understand. Nothing. She set it down on the counter and stared at it. Then walked over to the refrigerator and opened it, gazing at molding produce and week old bologna sandwiches. Man, I forgot to go to the store to grab supper. She opened the cupboard to find a can of beans, a can of exotic soup she had grabbed on a whim, and an ancient box of rice. Well, rice doesn’t get old does it? As she grabbed the box she rummaged around until she found a few spices she could add for flavor. Well, it’s better than the sandwich. She set some water on the stove to boil and turned around, her eyes going to the bottle. I’d better eat first in case it’s not good on an empty stomache. She stalled, suddenly realizing the gravidity of what could happen if something would go wrong with that liquid. She gulped and turned her mind back to the water, which was now boiling. She poured the rice in and turned the burner down, setting a timer. She stared at the rice without really seeing it, her mind elsewhere. “I’ll just go watch some TV while I wait.” She thought out loud while walking the few steps to the couch and plopping down. She turned on the TV and began idly flipping through the channels, all the while her curiosity eating away at her. Could that little bottle really bring her happiness? Could it make that train stop before it smashed into her fiancé and became the last thing he ever saw? “Hah.” She laughed humorlessly, she had told him not to walk home that night but he hadn’t listened. She still remembered the last words she said to him before he breathed his last breath. “You’ll regret it.” She’d trilled out the door as he’d left her apartment that night. It was her fault he was out at all; she had called him needing his help on a paper for work. Always eager to help her, he’d readily agreed to come to her apartment that nice summer night. Had she known that would be the last time she’d see him she would have never called him, or even gone to his place instead. That was days before she had ran away from everything she had ever wanted or loved. If he was dead, what did she have to look forward to in life? Long work days and old boxes of rice. So here she was in New York City in her little apartment, thousands of miles from anyone who truly knew her, staring at a bottle of liquid that could easily be poison. Or just water. No, that’d be crazy to think such a little bottle could change everything so easily. Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep! The timer went off. She jumped up turn the burner off and put the spices in the rice. She chewed without tasting as the scalding concoction burned its way down her throat. She put her plate in the sink and turned once again to face The Bottle. When had it become capitalized in her mind? Was in the moment she saw it, or the minute she realized the amount of damage it could do? Well, she didn’t care. She grabbed it with finality. She uncorked in and peered down into the tiny vial. She smelled it. Well, it doesn’t SMELL bad. She looked at it one last time before downing the contents. She sat down on the couch waiting for it to take effect. I wonder how it’ll feel when he’s with me once again holding me in his arms? A smile crept onto her face as the vial took effect, taking an iron grip on her lungs as it slowly began to take effect.
Through the window you could barely see the flashing of lights as a police cruiser carted away the old man on the corner. They’d been waiting for years to pin him to any sort of crime, but he’d managed to slip through their grasp. He’d been reported to be selling unauthorized content on the street corner without a permit. An officer smelled the liquid “cyanide” he said knowingly. But the old man had been doing something much worse: poisoning people with their deepest hopes and dreams. Encouraging them to let their desires run rampant on their mind.
When the police found her a few days later she was laying there just as she’d left this world, with the bottle in her hands a smile on her face. She’d gotten her wish. She was with her fiancé that night.

My Everything

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. The second I opened my eyes I just knew. Jesus loved me. His plans are infinitely better than any I could even begin to try to follow. (Believe me, I've tried.) He knows what's best for me. He sets me free from the chains of this world that hold me down. I feel like everyone in the world just needs to be taken by the shoulders and shaken. How do they not feel this? How can they look around them and for one second doubt the existence of our awesome God? There is no doubt in my mind how completely real God is. He is real. He loves me, for reasons I may never understand. Even when I mess up completely, He opens His arms for me to run into. I see a piece of the puzzle, he sees the masterpiece. My worries in this life are so trivial compared to what He has planned. God is good. Always. Even when I can't feel His prescence around me. Even though I can't see Him. Even though I can't touch His face. He is there. In the wind, in the trees, in a whisper. He is there. And I love Him. So much it hurts. I want to dance and sing for Jesus. Bask in the light of His glory. Sing His praises all day long. Lay in the grass and smile for hours as I spend quiet time with Him. He is all that matters. He is my everything. He captures my heart anew each morning and rocks me to sleep at night. He is indescribable. Uncontainable. He never leaves me, nor forsakes me. I'm so overwhelmed by His love. And His mercy. And His grace. His goodness washes over me. How can He love me? So often I find myself pushing Him away as I slip into whatever worldly sin is closest to my reach. How can He take me back, time and time again? I'll never comprehend it. All I know is that He loves me. And I love Him. A lot.  He is my glass of water in the desert. He is my everything.
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