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I am Blessed.

Sometimes it's hard to remember.
I am blessed.
In the midst of the crazy I easily lose sight of what truly matters.
The slippery slope of complaining and dwelling on stress quickly leads to a bad attitude and a constant state of panic.
However, at the end of the day - I've only got myself to blame.
I knowingly walked into the hardest semester of my college career.
I chose to take 18 credits, simultaneously doing projects on projects, multiple research papers, and way too many tests.
Juggling class, work, sleep, friends, and working out tends to demand a planner to a higher degree than ever.
But, at the end of the day - I am blessed.
At the beginning of the day - I am blessed.
In the middle of the insanity and panic - I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond measure.

I get to go to Texas with my family in three weeks.
I get to nanny & design this summer and get paid for it.
I get to live in a house with 3 beautiful ladies next year.

I am deeply loved by the Creator of the world.

The art of being soft

Be soft.
This year, I have some goals. Be kind, be intentional, be sincere, be soft.
I'm learning, slowly, and growing. These goals aren't things I'm straining to do, but things I ask God to help me with. Abba, show me how I can be kind today. Show me ways I can be more intentional. Help me to be sincere in my interactions. Help me to be soft and understanding, instead of hard and defensive.
I'm learning to be still. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to love others regardless of conditions.
I'm learning to be soft.
I'm learning to trust my Abba. I'm learning, more like always learning, that His timing is right -and patience is key.
I'm learning to breathe. I'm learning to take life day by day. I'm learning that stress doesn't have to be a thing. Sure, I still get overwhelmed from time to time (18 credits will do that for ya), but overall I'm learning to find joy in the little things. Instead of grumbling about all the homework I have to do, I'm asking God to show me himself in my classes.

Most of all, I'm learning that it's not life and Jesus, it's life WITH Jesus. I'm learning to life a life in communion with my Savior. Day by day. Moment by moment. To be in constant conversation. Asking Him what He thinks, asking for guidance, praying for patience and understanding.

I'm learning to be grateful for the little things - to recognize the small ways Yahweh is revealing Himself to me day by day. I'm learning to be alone. As an extrovert, it's a struggle - but I'm learning to cherish my moments of solitude.

I'm learning to understand people. To care about people. To invest in people.
Nothing brings me greater joy than to see others blooming. I love getting to hear people talk about their passions and dreams. It's still crazy to me how different everyone can be.

I'm learning humility. I'm learning to listen to others' thoughts on things and accept them as valid. I'm learning to ask God what He thinks instead of assuming I'm right. This year, my theology has gotten torn up - I'm still relearning what I believe and hold to be true. It's been humbling. I used to find identity in my understanding of theology.  I used to think I had it all figured out. But, the more I get to know God, the more I understand His holiness and His glory, the more I realize I'll never fully comprehend even a breath of who He is. I'm learning to be okay with not knowing. I'm learning to be okay with learning alongside of others instead of being a step ahead. I'm learning that there are things I might never understand.

I'm learning to not complain. This one is the lesson I trip up on most. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed by 7:50 classes and 18 credits and snow storms. I'm learning that others' hardships don't minimize my own. Just because someone else has a hard semester too doesn't mean mine is any less valid. But, I'm learning to find joy in it. I'll graduate before I know it.D

I'm learning to ask God big things. Abba, show me how YOU see your children. Abba, show me where I'm choosing things over you. Abba, help me be more like you.

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Self-control. Goodness.
Yahweh, make me like You.

Not so "Little Things"

It's just music.
It's just a TV show.
It's just a movie.
It's just a joke.

Have you ever made one of these statements? I know I have.
So many times I've tried to rationalize what I've chosen to listen, watch or say.
Over Christmas break I was convicted. So many times I've chosen to watch a show on netflix rather than spend time with Jesus. So many times I've been unable to connect with my Abba because some dirty pop song from the radio was stuck in my head. Over time I've seen my mind begin to be corrupted by the shows I watch. I rationalize it - "I know what I believe. It won't effect me. It's not a big deal." But then I hear myself thinking more along time lines of the values the show depicts, as slowly things that used to be a big deal to me no longer seem like huge issues. I've gradually become numb to the things that used to be core values. "They don't know Jesus, so it doesn't matter." Seriously?

I'm sickened that this went on so long. I'm saddened that it took me so long to realize what I've been trying to ignore. I thought that I couldn't live without these things. I thought it wasn't a big deal. Little did I know how wrong I was.

Maybe that means giving up a show you like. Maybe that means giving up your favorite radio station. Maybe that means you don't go to a movie with your friends. But, whatever the sacrifice, it's nothing compared to the worth of gaining a deeper relationship with Yahweh. No matter what the cost, it's nothing compared to the gain. It's worth it. I can vouch for that. I thought I'd miss it. I thought I'd be sad, bored, and frustrated. But, much to my surprise, I'm more joyful. I'm much more focused on Christ. Instead of Ke$ha running through my head, I'm singing praises to my God all day long. Instead of talking about the sexual innuendoes of whatever sitcom is popular, I'm able to express my deep gratitude that my God is a God who redeems.

Is it hard sometimes? Oh yes. There are definitely times when all I want to do is listen to my pop music playlist. But, believe me, there are alternatives. Instead of listening to garbage when I workout, I listen to Jesus music and leave more filled with truth. Instead of watching those shows, I watch sermons.

Maybe that means you miss out sometimes, but the Kingdom is worth it. The joy is worth it. Christ is MORE than worth it.

Fight for joy. 

Praise God for His redemption. Praise God for His work in my heart. Praise God for His patience and faithfulness.

Music, Joy, & Returning to Christ

I'm learning.
Slowly, but I'm learning.
I'm learning that life is a fight - a fight for joy. A fight to desire Christ above all else. A fight to not get distracted by temporary things.
It's easy to think little things aren't a big deal. "Well, it's just music." or "It's just a movie."
Believe me, I've been there. I AM there. For whatever reason, over the past few years, my judgment has slipped. I've neglected to realize the depth of the impact the things I watch and listen to have on my growth and outlook on life.
I'm learning. I'm learning that the music I listen to effects my attitude in more ways than I ever imagined. I think deep down I'm always known that, but didn't want to accept it. I like secular music. It sounds good. It's fun. It has a sweet beat. But by focusing on that sweet beat I've missed out on sweet moments with my sweet Jesus. I've filled my ears with the world, allowing the ideals of our culture to infiltrate my mind. And sadly, I've begun to believe them. I've bought into the culture that my worth is found in my appearance. That I'm only as good as my dress size. I've believed that my body is to be used as a weapon.
Worst of all, I haven't listened to the Spirit when it's tried to tell me these things. When my Abba has nudged my heart, showing me softly the impact these things have made on me. I wish I would have listened sooner.
So, that all being said, I'm not listening to secular music this semester. I'm asking God to speak to my heart. I'm rooting out the ways the world has gotten a hold on me. I'm cutting ties with distractions. No secular music. Not because it's inherently bad, but because it's inhibiting my ability to connect with my Savior. Giving up sweet beats for sweet moments is more than worth it to me.
Over the past week and a half I've already seen God use this. Give Him opportunities, and He'll speak to you in ways you could have never imagined. He's using the Jesus music I'm filling my ears with to remind me of His truth, His love, and His faithfulness.

This semester I'm taking back my joy. 

 As I ask Him to speak to me, I challenge you to do the same. Music has had a grip on my heart for more years than I'd like to admit. What areas are you keeping from God? What parts of your life do you think "aren't a big deal" or "won't make that much of a difference"?

{Be Kind. Be Intentional. Be Soft. Be Sincere.}

 >> Disclaimer: I'm not saying Christian music is boring, lacking in appeal, or necessarily doesn't have a beat <<

Messyness and New Perspective

Today I found myself pleading with God to fast forward this tough season.
I begged for the joys of yesterday.
I pleaded for the hopes of tomorrow.
And most of all, I prayed that this season of hardship, trial, and struggle would end. Now.

Now, as many of you know by now, our God doesn't work in the ways we expect Him to.
Instead of snapping His fingers and taking away all the pain, He gave me a new perspective.

Maybe, just maybe, life isn't all about the good moments.
Maybe life is in the messy.
Maybe it's all about the moments you sit with a friend while she cries.
Maybe it's the silent tears as you try desperately to sleep.
Maybe it's the faked smiles and vulnerable coffee dates.
Maybe life is in the desperation.
Maybe life is about reaching the end of ourselves,
deciding we can't go on any longer,
and realizing our deep and desperate need for our Savior.
Maybe these are the moments that remind us that this world is not our home.
Maybe these are the moments that drive us to cling to the cross.

Maybe, just maybe, these messy and chaotic moments make the sunny days brighter.
Maybe Paul wasn't kidding when he said to rejoice in suffering.

Dear Northwestern (and other private Christian colleges)

This post is written as a response to the UNW confessions page on facebook.

Dear Northwestern Students,
I appreciate your honesty, even if its' anonymous. Life can be hard, and there can be an unspoken pressure to meet an unachievable standard. You may be feeling the legalistic tendencies that circulate in conservative circles. The bar is set high - be happy, get good grades, have your life together, get a ring by spring, don't smoke, don't drink, do do drugs, don't have sex, be a republican, agree with conservative beliefs, and the list goes on.

First of all, I pray that you never feel like you have to be perfect. I pray that you realize that vulnerability and transparency are beautiful things. Where in the Bible does it say we won't struggle? (John 16:33;  look at Paul's life in 2 Corinthians 11:16-33) Where does Jesus say life will be easy? (Luke 9:23-27) Where do we get the idea that we're supposed to be perfectly happy all the time? Our lives as Christians is a battle - there's a spiritual battle that's raging around us constantly. In America we tend to get pretty 'busy'. With all the things that are fighting for our attention, even good things, you don't have to try very hard to go days, even weeks without even thinking about God. Until we realize that we have to daily lay down our own desires and fight to desire God, we've already lost. (2 Corinthians 12)

That all being said, you will struggle. You will fall short. My prayer is that Northwestern can be a community of believers that come together and fight as the unified body of Christ.
My challenge is this: be real. If there's anything I've learned in the past few weeks, it's that there's a lot to be said about being real and open with people. Don't just say you're fine and paste on a smile, be real. That all said, there's a time and a place for this. I encourage you to find a few close friends of the same gender to confide in. That could be a professor you think is cool, a counselor, your roommate, your best friend, or really anyone on staff for that matter. You aren't alone. You are surrounded by people who genuinely want to care for you and help you grow. I know it can be scary to be that vulnerable with someone, but if you truly want to get better, get perspective, and grow - it needs to be done. When someone asks you how you're doing, don't be fake - but also, not everyone needs to hear every detail of your life. Be wise. (Romans 12:14-21)

Second, I think that as a school body we desperately need a heart check. I hear all the time that people don't pay attention in chapel. How many times do you see people sleeping or mindlessly scrolling twitter? I realize you're tired, stressed, bored, whatever. But my question is this - if you truly desire to pursue Christ and know Him more, don't you want to take every opportunity that's given to you to do that? We are given a sweet opportunity to listen to the work God is doing in peoples' lives, hear different perspectives, and learn truth daily. Why aren't we more excited about that? Why are we sleeping and refreshing our newsfeeds?
My challenge is this: check your heart. Is your heart hard? Are you cynical? Why aren't you listening?

Thirdly, this season is a fight to desire God. If you went to public high school, you know the daily struggle that comes from standing up for your faith. I remember daily having to rely on God for strength to stand up for what I believed in. At UNW, thankfully, that isn't the case. I'm extremely grateful for these years of being able to wholeheartedly pursue God without the constant attack from the world.
Now, while that's the case, there's also a tendency to be passive in our faith. Because we aren't constantly defending our beliefs, it can be easy to stop pursuing God completely. We're surrounded by so many spiritual things that it can be easy to forget to pursue our personal relationship with Christ, and that terrifies me.
No, your salvation does not depend on how often you pray, read your bible, or go to chapel. By no means. BUT - if you truly understand who our God is, you'll WANT to do those things. Honestly. Read Jeremiah 38-39. Look outside. We serve an AWESOME and POWERFUL God. If we understand even one bit who He is, our lives will look different. We'll want to learn more about Him. We'll want to talk to Him. We'll want to hear about Him. And we WILL bear fruit. True salvation is always accompanied by fruit, not because we're saved by the good things we do - but because we want to do those good things out of the overflow of our gratitude and love for Christ.
Ask yourself this: what, and who, am I living for? Where's my focus? What am I pursuing? Am I bearing fruit? (John 15)

Finally, let college be college. I just want to throw it out there that if you don't find your future spouse here, the world will not end. Pursue God. Breathe. Learn. Grow. Take this time to figure out the dreams and desires God has given you instead of frantically trying to attract the opposite sex. I don't know about you, but I'm not about wasting my life. I think pursuing God is a way better way to spend my time than trying to figure out if someone likes me. Not to say dating doesn't have its place, I'm just saying it shouldn't be our sole pursuit. Singleness isn't some sort of disease. Singleness isn't a punishment. Singleness is a beautiful season to pursue God wholeheartedly, learn who He's made you to be, and enjoy life. When else do we have this much time to get to know God's heart? Why are we so quick to waste our time 'waiting' for our future spouse? (more on this in another post I wrote earlier this semester)

All that to be said, we as a whole need to ask God to remind us more often of how blessed we are to go to a sweet school like Northwestern where we have the opportunity to learn more about our Creator daily without persecution. Praise God for this sweet gift of a season. When else will we be surrounded by a such a large body of believers in our age group? When else will we be able to walk down the hall, knock on any door, and talk about our Savior on such a deep level? When else can we pull a stranger aside and ask for prayer? I think we're too quick to complain about rules and regulations, and too slow to remember that we're here for a season - can't we just be grateful for the time we have here instead of complaining about vis hours and the doc?

Heart check: How's your attitude? What're you putting in front of God?

I hope in all of this you hear my heart - pursue God. Return to Him. Make War.


Resources:
If you haven't listened to this yet, you're crazy. It's awesome, free, and full of truth.
Read Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. Seriously. Life changing.

Blessed be His name

This semester has been one of the hardest seasons of my life thus far. I've never been so broken. I've never felt so weak. But, I've never been more aware of the hope I have in Christ and His power in redeeming His children. My sweet Jesus is walking with me through the pain as I hash out some things from my past and go through the grieving process I wasn't previously able to do. My Abba is doing sweet healing work in my family that I've been begging for for years. I'm eternally grateful, but at the same time it sometimes brings about indescribable pain. I am being made new. I am being rebuilt. I am being redeemed.
As I walk through some pretty dark days, I'm never alone. I never lose hope. I grieve, but my Abba continually reminds me that He's walking with me. That He has a purpose. That it's going to be okay. I'm grateful for this weekend. For resting. For breathing. For the opportunity to re-energize before jumping back into the battle.
I can't say when this will be over. I don't know when I'll be back to normal. I honestly don't know who I'll be on the other end. All I know right now is that my Abba is with me, He is in control, and He is my comfort. Blessed be His name.

Life is War

Life is war.
Tonight has been a fight.
My Abba has given me an awareness of satan's lies. He's spoken truth into them.
He's helped me put on my armor.
As I fight to speak truth into the lies, I'm reminded that I'm a daughter of the King.
I am beloved of the Creator.
I am cherished beyond measure.
I am loved more deeply than I can fathom.
Tonight I'm grateful that my Abba is with me. He fights for me. He's faithful.
Praying for a continued awareness of the daily battle that rages.
The battles are raging, but the war is won.
In the end, Jesus wins.
It is finished.










I belong to Yahweh.

A Restless Heart: A Semester of Struggling & Fighting

"My heart is restless until it rests in You." {Augustine}

If I had to sum up the semester so far in a few words they'd probably be vulnerability, humility, honesty, and wandering.

Vulnerability. I came into this school year more visibly broken than I've ever been. Summer was great and terrible in ways I still struggle to verbalize. I still had a lot of processing to do when I arrived at school for the semester, and I continue to process the things I learned and the ways I grew and changed over the summer. For the first time in my life, I chose to be alone. I sat in my room for hours, hashing things out with my Abba. Asking for understanding. Pleading for wisdom. Begging Him to come alongside me to soften the pain. Being real with people never used to be something I was good at, and I'm definitely not saying I have it all figured out, but I've been more real with people in the past two months than in the rest of my life combined.

Humility. Oh man. I've hated this lesson. This semester has been pretty rocky spiritually, and for what seems like the first time in my life I've had to admit that I don't have it all together. I've had to learn to rely on others for strength. I've had to learn to turn to others for advice and wisdom when I've genuinely not known what to do. In this season of struggling and fighting, I've been more jealous of other peoples' faith more than ever before. I long for the days I've been overwhelmed by joy. I long for the days of pure contentment and desire for my Savior. I desperately grasp at the past seasons of sweetness, but know that for whatever reason it isn't to be.

Honesty. Over the past two months I've had to admit that I'm not doing well more than ever before. I've learned to be honest about how I'm doing instead of the classic 'smile and say you're good'. Man. It doesn't feel good. I grew up hating my weakness and vowing I'd be strong, so to admit that I don't have answers and that I'm still a work in progress has taken a big wack at my sense of identity. Praise God that my identity isn't in my own strength, but in His.

Wandering. Maybe a better phrase for this would be 'frusteration at my lack of desire for God'. I find myself, more subconsciously than anything, choosing other things over God. Knowingly choosing to lay on my floor instead of reading my bible. Knowingly surfing the web instead of doing devotions. A lack of desire. A wandering. With that awareness, I'm learning to fight for my Jesus. I'm learning to face the music - to lean into the pain. I'm not alone in this process.

My prayer for this season is constantly asking God to remind me. Remind me of His goodness, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love, etc. At the end of the day, I don't understand the ways I've changed. I'm not sure when things will be good again. I don't have answers. All I know is that God is in control, and I'm not alone. My Hope is with me. I am His.
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