What do you think the point of life is? As a junior higher I would have answered popularity, friends, to be cool, or just to survive. But that's the problem - none of those are it. Trust me, I know. Do you feel alone? Fake? Hopeless? Because I've been there. I drank deeply of the cup of deep longing and loneliness. Are you searching? Searching for love, acceptance, or something to fill the void in your life? I've been there, too. No, I didn't try drugs, alcohol, or sex - but I tried pretty much anything I could get my hands on while still keeping my reputation as a good girl. You see, I wasn't sold on the whole "Jesus" thing in junior high - in fact, I rarely thought about him aside from Sunday and Wednesday and the odd week at church camp or weekend retreat. Sure, I thought I was "saved." I had said the prayer when I was 5, and after all - isn't that all it takes to be saved? A couple words spoken and then a sense of relief? In fact, had anyone asked me about my salvation I would have easily rattled off all the right answers, John 3:16, and told them I'd see them in heaven. On the outside - I looked like every other junior high girl. Heavy makeup, attention grabbing clothes, and my cell phone attached to my side. And most of the time? I was okay with that. Jesus stayed in His box, only seeing the light when necessary, and I went on with my life the way I wanted to live it.
Most of the time, this wasn't enough. I'd sit at home in my room when I was alone and wonder why I felt so empty. In 6th grade, I buried my nose in a books, big sweatshirts, and food for comfort. I figured if I shut out the world - I'd be fine.
7th grade rolled around and my desire to be popular intensified to an almost unbearable longing. I figured that the popular kids seemed to be happy, so that must be the answer, right? Being popular would change everything. It was my ticket to happiness, or so I hoped. So as my internal focus shifted to a friend focus, I thought I had finally figured it out. But as months went by, I realized I wasn't being real - I was pretending to be someone I wasn't, and people saw through it. This is where I hit the bottom the first time.
I'd run out of shapes to try to fit in the hole that was rapidly growing in my heart, and I was scared. That lonely feeling didn't just happen when I was alone anymore - I felt it even when I was with my friends and family. It'd strike at inopportune moments, and it's icy fingers gripped my soul in a panic and fear that I had never experienced before. It was slowly tearing me apart inside. I remember being so upset with my loneliess, lack of attention from my parents, and problems with home that I stood in the kitchen with a knife over my arm threatening to kill myself. Unfortunately, this didn't garner the reaction from my parents that I desired.
Rock bottom is a counselors office when a strange lady looks at you with condescending sympathy as she asks you questions and shakes her head. I didn't go back, but instead once again pasted a smile on my face - when internally the darkness was growing.
Rock bottom is a tear stained pillow, 3 am, and a shaky prayer.
Rock bottom is a last restort. I'm not going to say that prayer changed my life, because after a couple days of unreal joy I slide back in to my everyday routine once again, but I had for the first time seen a glimpse of light through the darkness.
8th grade came and went, and life went back to the good old "Jesus in a box" phenomenon that had obviously worked so well for me before. I remember thinking that Christianity was SO boring, and that I'd start caring, paying attention in church, and stop drawing on my bulletin when I was older and needed to be sure I'd make it to heaven. That's just a glimpse of the iron grasp Satan had on my heart.
I got bullied in volleyball, and the self-image problems started to rear their ugly heads. I was tall and lanky and where other girls had curves, I had limbs and a little pudge.
Freshman year I became super self-conscious and got in a bad crowd of bad attitudes, swearing, and disrespectful behavior. Let's just say Freshman year isn't a place I want to return to.
The summer of sophomore year came, and I went to camp like I had for the past 8 years of my life, but this time it was different. I went for twice as long as usual. My counselor, Lisa, was the first person I had ever seen that literally glowed with Jesus. You could walk in a room and feel His presence emulating from her. It was crazy, and I had never seen anyone that loved Jesus that much before. She changed my view of Christianity forever, but when those two weeks were over - I went back home, and sadly my faith hadn't changed enough to stand the test of time.
Sophomore year my search for the answer to the void in my heart continued, this time in the form of attention from the opposite gender. I didn't do anything physically, and I thank God for keeping me pure, but emotionally I gave parts of my heart away to boys that in no way deserved it.
I worked at Hidden Acres that summer, but my heart was definitely not in the right place. After a summer of being surrounded by people who actually care about Christ, I started to think this Christian thing was something I should try out for real. Through this whole process, you have to remember, I thought I was a Christian - I had no idea that my salvation was in no way true. I started reading my bible, but it was more to check it off my list and feel good about it than to actually learn, and I didn't really grow all that much. Junior year flew by in a whirlwind of show choir competitions and TV shows, and once again I found myself at Hidden Acres for the summer. This time around I at least had good intentions. I was there for the campers instead of the friendships, but I still wasn't finding my Joy in Christ.
Senior year came - this time I was sure I had it all figured out. I thought I was growing - after all, I was reading my bible - but in reality my faith was pretty stagnant. I guess I grew in small increments through small group - but my faith was largely based on pride and proving my salvation to others - and nothing whatsoever compared to the true joy that is found only in Christ. As I allowed my idols (boys, body, and food) to reign fully, my gaze shifted once again from the heavens - this time to the number between my toes each morning when I stepped on the scale. I can honestly say that instead of living every day for Christ, I would live for that number. If it didn't go down, I'd feel self-conscious, ugly, and worthless that day. Sadly, this was a daily process that continued all throughout my Senior year. The only thing that stopped my number obsession was the fact that camp was rapidly approaching and I was no longer around a scale any longer.
The day after graduation I left for camp once again, this time running away from issues that I should have dealt with. It was easier to suppress them and pretend they didn't exist than to face the fact that I was definitely not okay. Camp was great - I loved my campers and started to realize my deep dependency on Christ once again. I learned to worship because of my love for God and my desire to show Him that I loved Him rather than to prove how spiritual of a person I was. That summer, I got a glimpse of what a true relationship with Him looked like. The weekend of the 4th of July I went home for the first time, and the problems I'd been running from started to catch up to me. That weekend was the first time I fully realized how far I'd let my idols drag me away and the extent of the damage they'd done. Before I knew it my time at home was done and I was back at camp to finish off the summer - halfway broken by my sin.
At night I'd sit on my bed and try to figure out what had happened. Where did it all go downhill? When did I lose confidence? The last day of camp came sooner than I had expected, and I once again found myself at home.
For the next two weeks, I shut myself in my room. I contemplated my life and sank into a deep, deep hole of self-hatred. I finally saw myself for what I truly was - a dirty rotten sinner. Before, I had at least in some form, assumed that I deserved my salvation - that I deserved to be died for. Hah.
The loneliness of my junior high years once again sank its icy claws into my heart. I hated myself to the truest form of the word. I didn't want to look at myself. I didn't want to eat. All I did was work out, sleep, and talk to God. Some days I couldn't even bring myself to talk to Him, after all - why would He ever want anything to do with me? How could He love me, when I couldn't even like myself? I started trying to put back together the broken pieces that I now called my life. I had reached the deepest depths of despair that I had ever experienced. After two weeks of deep self-loath for my sinfulness, I looked up. By the grace of God, I looked up - and my gaze was riveted on the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I broke down, and once and for all, gave my life over to Christ. He shined a light into my deep hole of sin, picked me up, and dipping a white towel into a cup of blood, wiped the dirt from my face. I was purified in the blood of the Lamb. That day, God dragged me out of darkness and into His marvelous light. He changed my head knowledge into heart knowledge. Two weeks passed - two weeks of emotion - two weeks that seemed to drag and fly by at the same time. Two weeks of being torn between high school and college, and having no idea where I belonged. I had no idea who I was, but all that really matter was that God did - and He was slowly revealing His plan to me little by little.
As I reflect on my life and the magnitude of change, I can only fall to my knees in awe of a God that is the definition of good, faithful, and loving. I am truly a changed being. God took my heart of darkness, and removed all the darkness - replacing it with light. The hole in my heart no longer exists, it's been filled. God has given me unspeakable Joy, and I am eternally grateful.
{For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. God demonstrates His own love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:6,8}
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Aunica
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Emerald eyes and limbs to the skies.
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